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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is husband having an affair?

90 replies

Sicily1 · 20/12/2019 04:58

We have been happily married for 26 years. My husband retired early & works a few hours a week. I am a professional and work long hours, commuting to work.
A year ago he lost a load of weight and took up sports during the day. He was much happier. He started mentioning a lady from work and going for coffee, playing sport etc... with her during the day, I said I wasn’t happy as he was seeing more of her than me. He assured me there was nothing in it & thought she was gay, but that he would see her less.
All fine fine until a few weeks ago. He started dropping her name into the conversation again and seeing her, one of my kids saw her having coffee at our house.
This evening my son had come back from college & said Dad had been out since lunchtime, I phoned my husband and he said he was in a pub with this lady & other people from work. I took the dog out and walked straight into them both. I said hello, he looked at me and they both walked off.
He later said he hadn’t recognised me! They had been out for six and a half hours. He says he made out other people were there too because he knew I wouldn’t like it, they had been for lunch. He admits he is attracted to her but says nothing physical has happened and he will finish it. He won’t let me see his texts as he says taken out of context it will look bad. He says our marriage is very important to him.
I am totally devastated and didn’t see this coming, we get on very well, I thought he was my soul mate. It’s just before Christmas and I was looking forward to a lovely family time together. I’m not sure what to do or believe. He works with her.

OP posts:
Cacklingmags · 20/12/2019 15:36

If I was walking my dog and met my DH walking with another woman, said hello and he ignored me, I would go fucking mental.
If I heard from a DC that my DH was entertaining a woman secretly at my home I would go fucking mental.
If my DH tried to gaslight me through my daughter on top of this I would kick his cheating arse back to last Christmas.

Guiltypleasures001 · 20/12/2019 15:38

Yeah what Mags said 👇

AnyFucker · 20/12/2019 15:39

Of course he is

damnthatanxiety · 20/12/2019 15:45

Didn't recognise his wife of 26 years.....or his dog.....ok......

Greenkit · 20/12/2019 15:46

God how cold is he, walking past you with his lady

champagneandfromage50 · 20/12/2019 15:50

He said he didn't recognise you...... dear god find your inner anger and chuck the man out. What a dreadful man he is

supersop60 · 20/12/2019 16:13

Lying fucker.
Kick him out.

Cobblersandhogwash · 20/12/2019 16:15

Bloody hell. He is behaving outrageously.

Bin him. What a scumbag.

He didn't recognize you? Wow.

81Byerley · 20/12/2019 16:16

Look, you're not going to have a happy Christmas now are you? Even if he's there in the house with you. So if you're not going to be happy anyway, you might as well chuck him out now and try to enjoy the time with your kids. At least you'd have your self respect, not allowing yourself to be walked all over by this absolute bastard who has the nerve to try and tell you that he didn't recognise you or your dog!

nowaypose · 20/12/2019 16:19

Of course he’s having an affair. I can’t believe he pretended not to know his own wife, who does that?! If nothing was going on he’d have interacted with you like any normal human being. He obviously panicked and thought avoidance was the only way out. The texts being taken out of context as well Hmm, it obviously means there’s something untoward there...

mamato3lads · 20/12/2019 16:21

What the hell
With respect I wonder what world people live in because it's a different reality to mine

Your husband is having an affair

Very obviously

And as for the "didn't recognise you" comment ....WHAT???? What the actual fuck. Didn't you say anything at the time, when you bumped into them? Like "hello husband of 26 years what the fuck is going on?"

It's awful but you really dont need to wonder about "what to believe" - the facts are right in your face

Sorry to be harsh but that's unbelievable

TheTickingTime · 20/12/2019 16:22

What if the shoe was on the other foot?

He didn't know it was you?

After 26 years?

So the other woman clearly is taking up all his head space that he doesn't even see You!

Why are you so passive about this?

elmosducks · 20/12/2019 16:30

ShockHmm

msmith501 · 20/12/2019 16:30

Sounds like he has already switched his emotional attachment to the other woman...

blubelle7 · 20/12/2019 17:05

Who doesn't recognise their DW of 26 years? That's laughable and he will make you feel mad for thinking he is unreasonable. Master manipulator, you are being played OP

dottiedodah · 20/12/2019 17:09

If he is going to the gym a lot ,and staying out for long periods of time it would be very suspicious for sure .The fact that he pretended not to see either you or his dog is ludicrous! Have a good Christmas for your Childrens sake ,(always children even if taller than you!)Come new year book appt with Solicitor and see where you stand financially. Then big guns out and tell him you know!

Greenkit · 20/12/2019 17:45

Can this even be true?

AnyFucker · 20/12/2019 18:11

Probs not @Greenkit

Greenkit · 20/12/2019 18:14

Almost had me till the "he walked straight past me" 🤔😏

ChristmasFluff · 20/12/2019 18:34

Totally agree with a PP - she doesn't know about you.

If she were 'only a friend' he'd have been happy to introduce you.

And for those who doubt this is true (and maybe it isn't) - please be assured, there are psychopaths out there who do this sort of stuff all the time. Be thankful you've never come across one.

beenwhereyouare · 20/12/2019 19:56

The texts. Whatever they say could not be worse than what you'll imagine.

I'd be telling him that. Now.

Knowing exactly what I was dealing with is the only way I'd have any peace. That or a lie detector test. For both of them.

If he said he'd deleted, I'd tell him he needs to find a way to get them back, even if it's from her.

This is such a lying, manipulative, shitty thing to do to you. Make sure you put yourself first here. Don't make a rash decision but give yourself time to decide what you want from the future. Don't make the mistake of compartmentalizing because that box will come open some day and nothing you can do will let you wrestle it back in. You don't want to have to deal with this twenty years down the road, when you'll have given up the chance of a better life for yourself.

Of course, this is your life and your decision, but those texts would be an absolute must for me.

So sorry you've been hurt this way. Flowers

BumbleBeee69 · 20/12/2019 20:03

Your DH has treated you appallingly and in front of this woman he lusts after. He is disrespecting your marriage ... He is disrespecting the family you made together... He is disrespecting your family home... He brought her into your home FFS ....

Kick this disgusting ARSEHOLE to the kerb... he is lusting after someone else right in front of his Wife and Kids ..

Coronade · 20/12/2019 20:18

Hi I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My partner of 27 yrs started having an affair in August. When I confronted him he tried to make out they were only friends but I’d seen messages re booking hotels and photos of her in her lingerie and dick pics he’d sent her.
So please don’t believe a word he says. After a year of seeing her I can’t believe they have not been physical even if they haven’t had full sex, I’m sure they’ve kissed and been intimate. The loosing wait and getting new clothes is a classic sign.
You need to get hold of his phone. Do you know the code to get into it while he’s in the shower or asleep? He has probably deleted as much as he can but he may have left some clues- google history, recently deleted file in photos, phone call history etc. Look at bank statements for hotel bookings, florists etc
I presume he ignored you when you bumped into them as she doesn’t know you. He’s probably made out your some kind of ogre that hates him or he might have even told her you live separate lives.
If he won’t tell you anything and you can’t get answers from his phone I would go round to her house and ask her what’s going on.

I’m not taking my lying 💩 back even though he begged me. He’s still been speaking to his OW everyday though and seeing her every week since I told him I knew so he’s not sorry just sorry I found out.
Your husband sounds very selfish, how would he feel if you spent this much time with another man whilst he was at work all day. He has also lied to your face already ( re being in pub with friends and not recognising you or the dog). I’m sorry to put it bluntly but he’s playing you for a fool. You deserve better. He’s acting like your the mad one accusing him - it’s classic diversion tactics - don’t be fooled.

FestiveFavourites · 20/12/2019 20:18

I can't get over him blanking you in the street. Why on earth didn't you say something? Didn't your dog jump up at him or bark? My dog adores my DH (far more than me) and has been known to howl wistfully at cars that look similar to the one DH drives. He'd never let DH ignore me in the street. This is an emotional affair at the very least. Get Christmas out of the way then you need to decide whether to end or mend your marriage.

Bluebutterfly90 · 20/12/2019 20:20

Yeah. Sorry, I think he is obviously having an affair.
Hiding his phone is a huge red flag.
And blanking you - saying he 'didn't recognise' you- what a load of bullshit!

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