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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is husband having an affair?

90 replies

Sicily1 · 20/12/2019 04:58

We have been happily married for 26 years. My husband retired early & works a few hours a week. I am a professional and work long hours, commuting to work.
A year ago he lost a load of weight and took up sports during the day. He was much happier. He started mentioning a lady from work and going for coffee, playing sport etc... with her during the day, I said I wasn’t happy as he was seeing more of her than me. He assured me there was nothing in it & thought she was gay, but that he would see her less.
All fine fine until a few weeks ago. He started dropping her name into the conversation again and seeing her, one of my kids saw her having coffee at our house.
This evening my son had come back from college & said Dad had been out since lunchtime, I phoned my husband and he said he was in a pub with this lady & other people from work. I took the dog out and walked straight into them both. I said hello, he looked at me and they both walked off.
He later said he hadn’t recognised me! They had been out for six and a half hours. He says he made out other people were there too because he knew I wouldn’t like it, they had been for lunch. He admits he is attracted to her but says nothing physical has happened and he will finish it. He won’t let me see his texts as he says taken out of context it will look bad. He says our marriage is very important to him.
I am totally devastated and didn’t see this coming, we get on very well, I thought he was my soul mate. It’s just before Christmas and I was looking forward to a lovely family time together. I’m not sure what to do or believe. He works with her.

OP posts:

LanternLighter · 20/12/2019 08:01

Please don’t feel like an idiot. I have been in a very similar situation and you bring the decent person, will want to think the best of him (even if it’s obvious to everyone else what’s going on).

Have it out with him, then move on to a better life without that lying shit head. I’m certain your dc will support you

patchworkpatty · 20/12/2019 08:02

I don't think HE thinks he is having an affair - just has a very special female friend. Unfortunately this has obviously become an emotional affair (although tbh I had never heard of this term until reading MN - so doubt a middle aged semi retired man has) I would have called this an ongoing flirtation ..

Anyhow of course you don't want to LTB 5 days before Christmas! Sorry but some posters live in a parallel universe. However you do need to sit him down NOW and tell him straight that he knock this on the head or he will be joining the January divorce statistics.

PegasusReturns · 20/12/2019 08:05

So he’s lying to you. Blatantly.

Of course he recognised you but he chose at that moment to protect his relationship with her over his relationship with you.

Will you put up with an affair? Because if you wouldn’t (and I certainly wouldn’t!) then tell him you want to see his phone otherwise the trust is gone and he needs to leave. He can always talk you through the context.....

Theflying19 · 20/12/2019 08:10

Sending flowers op💐for a crap thing to happen at a crap time of year xxx
He is acting suspiciously. And he is not being transparent (lying to you about meeting her (why would he?), not showing you texts (why would he not?), blanking you in public (so he doesn't recognise you now-get real?). And now he appears to have been trying to manipulate your daughter.
This is not a relationship built on trust anymore. Don't let his gaslighting affect your understanding of those facts. He will try and twist them so write them down and any others and get them straight. It is now up to him to demonstrate his understanding of the seriousness of the situation, and radical change . An ultimatum is required - get shot, change sports clubs, get a job - or get lost - would be my approach. If he continues along the same vein as "the problem is all yours" - then you know he is not serious about changing his actions.
PS. You are now unlikely to see messages (they will have been deleted). So don't expect that. But not showing you them instantly is wierd and an admission of guilt IMHO.

LuluBellaBlue · 20/12/2019 08:18

That would be the end for me.
As another person said, in the split second he saw you he chose to protect the relationship with HER over you by ignoring you.
A total deal breaker for me.
I’m so sorry OP, it’s absolutely appalling behaviour from him

PersephoneandHades · 20/12/2019 08:25

He didn't recognise his wife of 26 years?! That is actually laughable.

Even if he isn't cheating on you (which, I'm sorry, I would be so so surprised if he wasn't) his behaviour is still appalling. He is not prioritising you or his kids and is being an absolute arsehole.

Please recognise this and don't stand for it

Techway · 20/12/2019 08:27

and he will finish it

You don't normally finish a friendship but you finish an affair He might have had a wake up and realises what he will lose however for you to trust again he has to come clean. Only with honesty will you be able to rebuild trust.

I can't imagine how you can go off to work, knowing he has time & opportunity to have affairs. He has to take ownership to avoid it happening again.

What do your children know?

Ozziewozzie · 20/12/2019 08:33

He really shouldn’t be dragging your daughter into this either. That’s really out of order. Your daughter is your daughter not a judge or referee.
It’s a really bad move and incredibly disrespectful to you both that he’s dumping stuff on her.
If he was a genuine lively chap and his ‘friendship’ was causing such difficulties in your marriage, then surely his viewpoint should be one of understanding and working WITH YOU to get things in track again. Not out with another woman and then lying and blaming you.
Your husband has, believe it or not, just given you the best Christmas present you could ever wish for. In time you will understand what I mean. You’ve got this. You are far stronger than your husband gives you credit for.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 20/12/2019 08:36

You don't normally finish a friendship but you finish an affair

Yes this is what struck me too. A slip of the tongue suggests this is more than a friendship. I actually laughed out loud at the 'didn't recognise you' bit. Seriously? Is he nuts?

MarkingTimeIm59 · 20/12/2019 09:05

Sorry to repeat what numerous others posters have said OP - but really - He didn’t recognise you?! Odious man. And to involve your daughter too. Creep.

ConfCall · 20/12/2019 09:06

He walked away because he’s told this woman that the marriage is moribund and that you’re living together for the sake of the kids but leading your own lives, separately. He didn’t want the two of you to get chatting.

I’m so sorry OP.

Betterbegoing · 20/12/2019 09:09

Oh wow. Blatant affair OP. Don’t let him gaslight you on this, he’s cheating on you and he’s lying to you. Didn’t bloody recognise his wife of 26 years or his dog? Rather he didn’t want you to shatter the lie he’s told the OW that your marriage is dead, one of habit, one for the kids. Out of context the texts will look bad?! What fucking context, out of bed?? Seriously, find your fucking anger and kick him the fuck out. How dare he?!

Dozer · 20/12/2019 09:18

I would ask for access to his text messages, emails (probably now deleted) ask him to leave, and inform the adult DC he’s had an affair - definitely emotional, you don’t know if physical - and that you will be considering your options about the relationship.

If he won’t leave, and you don’t want to go elsewhere with the DC for xmas, do you have a spare room, or sofabed he can sleep in?

JustASmallTownCurl · 20/12/2019 09:28

Didn't recognise you?! Fuck me he sounds like a right pillock.

This sounds like one of the affairs that's emotional and longing / tortured souls etc and may well not have become physical, but IMO the intimacy of an emotional affair is almost more hurtful.

I had the "they look bad out of context" thing when I asked to see how they spoke to each other. I explained they wouldn't be out of context would they, as I'd see the conversation back and forth not just one or two individual messages. Still a no.

I was young and no real ties so it was much easier for me to say this is who he is ie an absolute nob and walk away. I really feel for you.

If he's the tortured soul affair type he'll stand by it not being an affair because they didn't shag and this way keep up the "I'M A GOOD MAN" narrative.

Sorry OP

JustASmallTownCurl · 20/12/2019 09:30

Oh and IME men like this paint a picture of themselves being browbeaten and unappreciated. They tell the OW they can only be themselves with her when they aren't being themselves at all. They're playing the victim and usually spin the yarn of I can't leave her she'll be too upset / mental etc aren't I a good guy. Couldn't do it to the kids aren't I a good guy. Couldn't cheat physically aren't a good guy. Etc etc etc.

xlkhs · 20/12/2019 09:39

He didn’t recognise you or his dog. That tells you the extent of his blatant lies. Nothing he says can be trusted. At the very very least this is 100% an emotional affair, but realistically it’s likely he’s had sex with her.

Mollie3 · 20/12/2019 12:36

Yes have to agree with all the posters everyone has very valid points.

What I think is the worst thing about this is that he is having an affair in the plain light of day, and trying to get away with it by gaslighting you as mentioned above, making comments to ‘justify’ it to you and your kids, and bringing her to the house? That is crossing a line who does he think he is to bring his OW to your marital home?!? It’s making me angry and I’m just reading it!!

He is seeing how far he can push the situation and continue to get away with his affair because no amount of sugar coating changes what it is he is doing. Cheating on you.

Personally, I would get her number and call her. I think perhaps she would give you more honesty than he would about the situation. He would be flawed by this.

Also what I would do is put all his essentials in a suitcase, leave it outside the door, and tell him to either be honest right now (as other posters have said, show messages, agree to counselling etc) or leave. There is no way I would put myself through pretending to have a happy Christmas while this is all going on behind the scenes.

Have a chat with your kids and make them realise what he’s doing and how you are going to handle it.
Sending virtual hugs, horrible situation to be dealing with over xmas but you are stronger than you know x

Winterdaysarehere · 20/12/2019 12:42

Saying she is gay is really naff.
Not recognising you tells me he was so zoned into that relationship he forgot he was already in one....

Silencedwitness · 20/12/2019 12:57

Oh OP I’m sorry. It doesn’t sound good. Lots of 1 on 1 time, lying about their being other people there, mentioning her a lot, not wanting to show you texts or emails and then to top it all off claims not to recognise you. They might not have slept together but he’s already said he’s attracted to her. It sounds very much like an emotional affair and he can tell himself it’s innocent as they’re “just friends”. The bad guy in this is him. If he can’t see how this hurting you.

nocluewhattodoo · 20/12/2019 15:09

What a lying scumbag. I'm so sorry OP.

ballsdeep · 20/12/2019 15:14

Didn't recognise you? That's one of the most batshit crazy things I've read on here.
I'm sorry op but I'd be putting y your ducks in a row

WorldEndingFire · 20/12/2019 15:15

Gaslighting you through your daughter is a pretty low move. So sorry you're going through this.

MashedSpud · 20/12/2019 15:20

He hasn’t told her about you that’s why he pretended not to recognise you.

He’s inviting her to your home and hiding photos of you both.

Get yourself sorted financially in case everything goes tits up.

Stockmarketup · 20/12/2019 15:30

Op, I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. His behaviour is utterly appalling.
I don’t know how you can come back from it and I suggest you find your anger quickly.
You don’t need to see text messages to prove what’s been going on - you witnessed it face to face when you bumped into them. He didn’t recognise his wife of 26 years? Yes he did - he just chose to protect his OW over you.
I would never recommend a knee jerk reaction and shout LTB, but on this occasion I think you should pack his bags and throw him out immediately. If he runs to his OW - well at least you’ll know the truth.
Whilst he’s gone, use the time to think about, given his behaviour, what YOU actually want.

Mix56 · 20/12/2019 15:33

Sorry, this is when you need to get angry, How DARE he ignore you... put his shit out on the front path, tell him he can remember that you look like, & his whole life looked like when he had a wife.

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