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Original poster

Same old story. Age gap and wanting a baby..

93 replies

generalofficepaper · 19/12/2019 15:23

I know, I know..

Everyone said I'd want a child with him. I said no and I really believed myself

I have one DS, he has two DC

We are an amazingly happy bunch, all blended and so comfortable with each other

But the wee pangs. I'm 30. He's in the second half of his 40s

I can't do it to him. He said he would have one if I really wanted, but has made it clear he doesn't actually want one

I'd always know. However the sadness has started. The wedding is booked for next year. I see pregnant women and the pangs of jealousy Sad

We discussed and he said he is prioritising our relationship and our time together, he loves me and because the existing children are well out of baby stage - we have a semblance of a normal life with plenty of time together. I get it. He wants us to have the holidays and the relaxed time. I'm increasingly consumed with sadness that he willingly had two kids with his ex wife

Please tell me I'll get over this. I love him so much. I do not want to resent him

OP posts:
wherearemymarbles · 19/12/2019 15:27

I presume he was much younger.
He wont have the energy levels he had. He has done the baby phase twice and probably doesn't want to do it third time

kenandbarbie · 19/12/2019 15:28

He's not that old!

Original poster
generalofficepaper · 19/12/2019 15:30

No, he's not old but he's a good bit older than me

Will the pangs ever go though? Is this something I'll learn to live with?

OP posts:
yesterdaystotalsteps123 · 19/12/2019 15:47

We can't decide for you, but listen to your gut! Many many women forego children/more children for our partners (me included) and then they start new relationships when you're no longer fertile and have more children with someone who is fertile! It's very common. In hindsight I was glad he put his foot down as we already had 2 and I think it was just my weird hormones, but now he's had number 3 with the ow I don't know how I'd feel if it had been a deep yearning

Bluntness100 · 19/12/2019 15:50

I find your comment that he has two kids with his ex a bit odd. Do you feel like you need to compete, or that she comes off somehow better as she has more kids with him?

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 19/12/2019 15:55

My friend married an older man who already had 3 children and would've been fine not having anymore.

But, she also wanted children so he agreed because it made her happy. I'm sure it's been knackering having young children in his 50's, but he did it for her and I don't think they regret it. He loves all his children dearly and is hands-on with the little ones. They could also afford it so that wasn't an issue.

So you should definitely discuss it further. You shouldn't have to just do what suits him, it's your life as well.

Zzzz19 · 19/12/2019 16:06

It’s ok saying that but presumably this discussion was had before weddings were being planned. Only you can decide.

ravenmum · 19/12/2019 16:11

You feel bad that he "willingly" had children with his wife? Of course he did. He was a young man. Now he'd be having children who'd most likely only be properly independent when he is 70.

Thatagain · 19/12/2019 16:25

I don't see the problem here. Late 40s for a man is reasonable to have a baby. You are also a good age to conceive. If it's what you want then go for it before you get to mid 30s. I don't think you can stop the want for a baby I think it's your body,hormones, age telling you something. Good luck op.

Annasgirl · 19/12/2019 16:34

Lots of my friends married men who were second time around - women were all around 30, men mid-late 40's. All the men agreed to more DC - each of them have 2-3 DC with their new partner. So it is not age that stops people - it is just whether or not they want more DC.

And no, you will not get over the yearning and the resentment will most likely grow but would he leave you if you had DC? Another friend is now divorced and in a new relationship and her new DP is thrilled she has had all her DC and he has had his because he hated how his first wife was with their young DC so he left her!!!!!!

Original poster
generalofficepaper · 19/12/2019 17:02

No - he won't leave me. He's said we can have one if "I insist" - but I'm also - how do I describe this - very reluctant to have a baby with a man who isn't hopping from foot to foot in excitement. I don't think a baby should be born from just one side wanting one, it should be a joint decision, both on same page regarding wants

He is an excellent father and very committed to all of us - he works his socks off and does more than his fair share of "wife work"

Re: my comment regarding his first wife

Yeah Blush he was a younger man and he wanted children with the woman he was planning on spending the rest of his life with. There is a side of me that's like, but why don't you want a baby with me? Blush But that's not the main part of my post and I know I need to get myself together with that..not a competition. I too had a baby with my first husband who I was also planning on spending the rest of my life with

Ah I'm just sad. I love him and all the children, I just wish.....

OP posts:
RandomMess · 19/12/2019 17:07

I honestly it's hormones/biology. Those pangs defy logic, rationally you have a lovely lifestyle and more Dc would be knackering, less money, less time. A 20 year commitment by the time they finished college etc...

Teens are very expensive and are still time consuming!!!

Original poster
generalofficepaper · 19/12/2019 17:11

We do have a lovely lifestyle. A baby would mean buying a bigger home and the existing children not having as much. I know Blush

Bloody hormones

Looks up puppies

OP posts:
Lampan · 19/12/2019 17:11

He doesn’t want another, which is perfectly fair enough. He never led you to believe otherwise. So that’s that.
The question is do you want another enough to leave? There are no guarantees that you will find someone else who wants kids, let alone someone who wants them as much as you think they should want them. But you need to work out if you will regret not at least trying to have any more. It’s a tough one!

Original poster
generalofficepaper · 19/12/2019 17:14

Absolutely @Lampan he doesn't want one and I would never try to convince him. He made his feelings perfectly clear

I should be very grateful for what I have. It's that thing though, will I regret it? I know no one can answer that

OP posts:
RandomMess · 19/12/2019 17:14

Getting a puppy is a good substitute, especially when it's a teenager and ignoring you... like having a typical toddler!

LazyArsehole · 19/12/2019 17:14

I see both sides.

I'm mid 30s and had my kids young so I'm out of the baby phase. A few years to go till the primary school runs end.

You couldn't pay me to have another.
The baby days are so tiresome.

I know it's sad but you said to him you wouldn't want another.
You have 3 kids together as a blended family.
I think you have to just accept it and move on.

Maybe Foster some puppies? Grin

LazyArsehole · 19/12/2019 17:16

BTW I have a puppy and that's how I sate my broody pangs. I also cuddle my old dog like a baby 😂

Original poster
generalofficepaper · 19/12/2019 17:19

I think greyhounds get too big for Bugaboos 😩

Heart and head, eh? Never fucking easy. I know I can't have another baby, let's face it. I can't have a baby with the man I love

Same old story. Age gap and wanting a baby..
OP posts:
Thornhill58 · 19/12/2019 17:30

I can understand you love him and part of loving someone is wanting everything from them. It is natural because you love him.
It's very hard not to want his baby.
Nobody can tell you what's best but sounds like he feels complete with all of you. You have a wedding and others things to look forward but until you don't feel broody you won't feel completely settled.

RandomMess · 19/12/2019 17:40

Can you look after a pre schooler for a long weekend, remind you of the reality of the hard work Grin

managinged · 19/12/2019 17:42

As the old Mumsnet saying goes, "having a baby is like throwing a bomb in the middle of a relationship."

Once the baby is born, life as he knows it, and life as he loves it, will be over. Suddenly everything will be all about the baby, as it should be. Baby's needs come first. But your lovely life together will change drastically; he knows this.

Why doesn't he want to have a baby with you? Because he already has two children and he doesn't want to go back to the baby/toddler stage. He's probably thinking about the ongoing financial commitments he has to his two kids. Your joint household has three kids already. Most likely he doesn't want to buy a bigger, more expensive house. He's in his late 40s? Maybe he's thinking, "will my pension be enough for retirement? Will the two kids need additional financial support in their twenties? Will they need me to pitch in some money to help them buy flats/houses?"

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 19/12/2019 17:45

The age thing isn't so much an issue in my view - I say that as someone who married a man 22 years older and had a child with him, and am now widowed at 40 (DS is 19). He had cancer. Before he was ill he was a very active, hands on and committed father, regardless of age. What is the issue here is his reluctance I think.

Original poster
generalofficepaper · 19/12/2019 17:49

I don't get to make decisions for him - we respect each other's differences and views

I won't make him do anything he isn't comfortable with

I just need to sort myself out

Btw - I was SO sure I didn't want a baby. My goodness, every single year since DS was born I've made my resolution to get through the year pregnancy free

It must be my age playing havoc with me Sad

OP posts:
lynsey91 · 19/12/2019 17:52

You've got 3 children between you so why would you want more? What if you do have another and end up regretting that? Your marriage could break down because of it

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