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Original poster

Same old story. Age gap and wanting a baby..

93 replies

generalofficepaper · 19/12/2019 15:23

I know, I know..

Everyone said I'd want a child with him. I said no and I really believed myself

I have one DS, he has two DC

We are an amazingly happy bunch, all blended and so comfortable with each other

But the wee pangs. I'm 30. He's in the second half of his 40s

I can't do it to him. He said he would have one if I really wanted, but has made it clear he doesn't actually want one

I'd always know. However the sadness has started. The wedding is booked for next year. I see pregnant women and the pangs of jealousy Sad

We discussed and he said he is prioritising our relationship and our time together, he loves me and because the existing children are well out of baby stage - we have a semblance of a normal life with plenty of time together. I get it. He wants us to have the holidays and the relaxed time. I'm increasingly consumed with sadness that he willingly had two kids with his ex wife

Please tell me I'll get over this. I love him so much. I do not want to resent him

OP posts:
Original poster
generalofficepaper · 19/12/2019 17:54

I don't know

I haven't just decided today I want one - this has been over the last 3-4 months Sad I guess maybe I'm just realising I'll never do any of it again. I just don't know 🤷🏽‍♀️

OP posts:
justrestinginmybankaccount · 19/12/2019 17:54

I’d go for it and have a baby. You’re so young. He’s not cringing at the idea, he’s just not keen.

I’d actually go for it. Yes that’s selfish, but it’s a binary decision; no inbetween.

MonaChopsis · 19/12/2019 17:55

I always wanted two kids. My relationship broke down after one, and never was in a position to have a second with anyone else. I was sad about it for a few years, but now really enjoy being the parent of an only and not having to compromise on what I can do for and with her. So, in my experience, it does pass...

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 19/12/2019 17:56

It's not that he doesn't love you enough to have a baby with you - maybe he loves his life with you so much that he doesn't want it to change?

Think about it this way - he had you and three amazing kids. Why should he want anything more than he has?

Original poster
generalofficepaper · 19/12/2019 17:56

It's all well and good saying that..

But it's like those women who force engagements and then cry because the man didn't buy the ring/propose all by himself. They get consumed with sadness and the men tend to resent them and it becomes a mess

If I had a baby..I'd always wonder if he was just pretending to be happy. I'd torment myself

OP posts:
RandomMess · 19/12/2019 17:58

For many money women it is difficult to come to terms with that door being 100% shut. I sobbed so much before I was sterilised that the consultant nearly didn't proceed Shock

It was my choice, I knew I would carry on forever if I listened to my heart and hormones my head was fully on board.

As your marriage gets closer you know you are accepting this is it, you will never be pregnant, have a newborn or a cute toddler. It's grief for the end of that chapter.

BTW is hour DP going to have the snip or are you 200% confident in your contraception? It would be best if he takes that step so there are no future scares etc!

petrocellihouse · 19/12/2019 17:59

Don’t want to rain on your parade, but you have already said that you had a child with the man you married and thought it was forever. What if you have another baby, (even with his reluctant agreement) and this relationship breaks down as well for other reasons, not related to the new addition. I know when this happened to me, I thought long and hard and tried my best to distance myself from the emotional longings for another baby. It was the right decision in the end for us all. But it is a tough call!

beautifulstranger101 · 19/12/2019 17:59

This is like Monica and Richard out of Friends.
Why are you feeling weird that he "willingly" had 2 kids with his ex? He would have been much much younger then.
I think you need to think this through very carefully. If you persuade him t have one he might end up resenting it and if you dont have one, you'll end up resenting him. Either way, it looks like one of you is going to have to sacrifice something. I guess it comes down to this- which one is going to make the sacrifice? If neither of you want to, then you have no choice but to split. Something is going to have to give here.

Original poster
generalofficepaper · 19/12/2019 18:02

I will not be persuading him of anything

I have the copper coil in and I have no plans to remove it. He hasn't ever mentioned the snip but I expect we will discuss this One Last Time, I'll have a wee cry and lick my self inflicted wounds

My settled family life is more important than a baby and the already existing members take precedence over my wishes

I just don't wanna be sad Sad

OP posts:
beautifulstranger101 · 19/12/2019 18:03

I'm sorry you're sad.
I dont see how you are going to get over this though if its something in your heart that you really really want. You know?

RandomMess · 19/12/2019 18:08

It's ok to be sad!!!

Ask for his love and support whilst you work through it Thanks

Original poster
generalofficepaper · 19/12/2019 18:11

He's very good, bless him. He's a discusser and he's measured and he's bloody wonderful. He's kind, patient, compassionate, and just a delicious human being

The perfect dad 🙄

I'm trying to make sense of this before I'm crying into babygrows in Asda during the weekly shop

OP posts:
Bluerussian · 19/12/2019 18:15

generalofficepaper Thu 19-Dec-19 15:30:12
No, he's not old but he's a good bit older than me

Will the pangs ever go though? Is this something I'll learn to live with?
........
Trust me, the pangs will go. You are feeling broody which is quite natural and may happen again, just live through it and you may find you're glad you didn't have another child. Anyway your partner certainly doesn't want one.

Jennifer2r · 19/12/2019 18:16

You have 3 children! I understand being sad but you already have 3...

Original poster
generalofficepaper · 19/12/2019 18:19

I have one. I love my step DC an awful lot - but they're up a good bit 😬 teenage years..we are friends. We watch football and get our nails done and eat pizza. I'm their confidante and they know I only shout when they've done something dangerous ie leave the straighteners on 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
generalofficepaper · 19/12/2019 18:21

To clarify - I would do anything for all three of the children. They have enriched my life and broadened my mind and heart beyond words. We are as close as step relations can be. I feel the motherly pride and my heart bursts when they're kind and decent (which is most of the time..)

OP posts:
MrsWobble3 · 19/12/2019 18:22

I think you’ll get over it. I had 3 and was sure I was done. But a few years later I got the broody feelings and when I had a contraceptive failure I was bitterly disappointed when the pregnancy test was negative. Even though I knew I didn’t really want another and it would have turned a settled life upside down. I’m still with dh who is the father of my 3 so I really think this is age/hormones and will pass and nothing to do with your relationship.

Thatnovembernight · 19/12/2019 18:24

Sounds like you have a lovely set up. I’d go for some counselling so you can really talk it through and then make peace with your decision one way or the other.

Original poster
generalofficepaper · 19/12/2019 18:27

Thanks for the kindness being shown Thanks

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 19/12/2019 18:29

You're only 30 and want more children. Don't put it down to "hormones" and therefore dismiss your own life wants. Hmm Everything in human life is driven by hormones. Nothing wrong with that.

The fact of the matter is that he isn't perfect for you and your relationship isn't that good. You are fundamentally incompatible. This is one of those times you need to take the hard choices in your own best long term interests. You're only 30. Don't tie yourself down to a life you don't want out of fear of being alone.

misspiggy19 · 19/12/2019 18:30

He has clearly told you he doesn’t want anymore children.

You either accept it or you leave him and find someone else.

MikeUniformMike · 19/12/2019 18:46

Discuss it with him.
You are only 30. You could be feeling broody for the next 15 years.
It is too early to close the door.

yellowallpaper · 19/12/2019 18:50

You need to face reality. He's done the baby thing and doesn't want to do it again. You want a baby and have to accept you can only have one by twisting his arm and building resentment in him. If he's 47 he wants to relax and do things he couldn't do when tied to a family and dependent children. You have 3 children between you, surely that's enough. A baby by him isn't going to be some golden child different from other children. It's going to be a child that needs a huge amoun t of time and money spent on them, and by the time it's independent your DH will be in his sixties and frankly doesn't want the hassle of a teenager. It seems to me you relationship with him is most important, so I'd settle for that. I for one, wouldn't want the baby/toddler stage again. I'm shattered on a daily basis as it is.

FreckledLeopard · 19/12/2019 18:58

I'm in a similar position and it's destroying me. I've posted about it before. I completely understand your position.

My DP is in his forties, I'm in my thirties with a grown up daughter. He has two children with his ex, also young adults.

I'm absolutely devastated that he doesn't want more children, when he had two with his ex. For me it is directly relevant - he wanted them with her, why not with me? It's utter and total rejection and nothing anyone says can get me past this.

I don't know if I leave the relationship on the off chance that I could somehow meet someone that I love as much as I do him, get married and get pregnant before my fertility disappears entirely. But if I leave there's clearly no guarantee of that and besides, I want his child, not anyone else's.

I just cannot bear to think, on my death bed, that no-one wanted to have children with me (DD was unplanned and her father wanted her aborted and has had no role in her life). To me it's the ultimate rejection of me, my forebears, everything.

I feel like a butterfly on a pin - just writhing in agony and unable to do anything about it. I don't think I can cope with leaving and I can't bear to stay and feel so much agony. It's limbo and torture. I am so, so envious of other's families. I got a Christmas card today from my best friend and on the front is a photo of her little family - twins and a baby, all smiling, and I just burst into tears when I got the card.

No advice but understand what you're going through.

Original poster
generalofficepaper · 19/12/2019 19:12

@FreckledLeopard I am so sorry

The comparison with his ex will destroy you

Please don't let yourself become embittered in this battle that you'll never win, because the battle will always be with yourself really

I started this thread because I don't know the answers. Please be kind to yourself

OP posts:
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