Same old story. Age gap and wanting a baby..

[generalofficepaper]

I know, I know..

Everyone said I'd want a child with him. I said no and I really believed myself

I have one DS, he has two DC

We are an amazingly happy bunch, all blended and so comfortable with each other

But the wee pangs. I'm 30. He's in the second half of his 40s

I can't do it to him. He said he would have one if I really wanted, but has made it clear he doesn't actually want one

I'd always know. However the sadness has started. The wedding is booked for next year. I see pregnant women and the pangs of jealousy

We discussed and he said he is prioritising our relationship and our time together, he loves me and because the existing children are well out of baby stage - we have a semblance of a normal life with plenty of time together. I get it. He wants us to have the holidays and the relaxed time. I'm increasingly consumed with sadness that he willingly had two kids with his ex wife

Please tell me I'll get over this. I love him so much. I do not want to resent him

I honestly think unless both parties are 100% ‘yes!’ it’s not a good plan. I know a few women who have pushed the ‘another child’ aspect and it’s not gone too well. To say the men are resentful is putting it mildly at times. There’s also the risk of you ending up doing absolutely everything because ‘it was you who wanted it’. I’ve seen that too. Notably in more selfish men, and I take the view that they partook in the conception so should blooming well help, but they don’t see it that way.

Honestly, get a puppy. It’s not dissimilar to having a baby and you can spoil it utterly for life with no concerns about it turning into a career criminal or psychopath, and it will adore you and love you and you will be it’s everything for it’s entire lifetime. Best of all, they can’t talk and they don’t have tantrums. (I have 3 kids and 2 dogs and I can tell you which is easier...though who is more spoiled is a toss up between my youngest and the pup as both are rather indulged!).

OP it is totally normal to have these longings. None of us can have it all.

He had 2 kids with his ex when he was much younger, presumably. He loves what he has now - you, and a fab blended family. He loves the life you have together. I totally get that. But I get your feelings too.

Is a baby what you really want here? Or do you want him to want to have a baby with you?

Also, I'm coming from a background of getting pregnant by accident with number 3. We had IVF for the previous 2 and were told we would never conceive naturally. We did. It was a huge shock. I wouldn't have been able to go ahead unless by DH was totally, 100%, committed. I wouldn't have wanted to unless I knew he had no doubts.

Number 3 is now nearly 1. Both DH and I have just turned 40 - we are fucking exhausted. I am not saying I regret the decision but I can see why your partner is hesitating and would like to keep the lovely life you have build together!

*I don't like the way he said, "if you insist". What about, "if your heart's set on it" or "if you won't be happy without".

It's different if a woman said no to babies because it's her body. But how can he marry you and be okay with no more kids for year after year in the face of your regret?*

So how can it be right for the OP to effectively guilt trip and force her DH into a position of having a child he says he didn't want from the word go?

Rather flawed logic to say the OPs change of mind should top a mutually agreed position.

What if the loving DH secretly resented the child and partner for forcing him into this position?

I can't preten your situation but I wanted four, he insisted we stop at two and I am incredibly grateful. The teen years are EXHAUSTING and your three kids will need you more than you can possibly imagine. My oldest struggled and needed bucket loads of support and love, whilst throwing bucket loads of hostility at us. For about eight years. I could not have given her what she needed with little ones around. Also...big age gaps lead to different sibling relationships- not always great, not always close when older. Teens are finding themselves, need privacy and calm, and can find younger siblings super draining, especially as they so obviously divert parental attention. I would enjoy what you have personally.

Sorry.. 'I can't pretend to understand' your situation

If he said yes to having a baby with you just go ahead and have one. It's reasonable that he's not super excited about the prospect - it doesn't mean he won't love/be a great Dad. Maybe he wasn't really excited about having his first ones either but his ex went ahead anyway. Similarly really excited men can turn out to be rubbish dad's- they can have rose coloured glasses about parenthood.

By the way my partner had 4 from a previously relationship and agreed to 2 with me because it's what I wanted.

Do you want another baby or are you jealous that the ex had children with him and you don't. If it's the latter you need to find a way yo get past it, you could have a lovely life together.

I want another baby 🤷🏽‍♀️ I was just trying to give a bigger picture of my feelings - my post wasn't about "I can't cope that my DP had children with another woman"

It just stings a bit that he's done that and ticked those boxes but I'm not obsessed with that aspect

I think 30 is still really young. I hadn't had any children at that age and then went on to have three.

I totally understand your DH not wanting any more though as I am a similar age.

Not helpful but I feel for both of you.

generalofficepaper, but you have had a child so you've been there too. It would be different if you didn't have a child of your own but you do.

Like mrscampbell above says, I feel for both of you.

Please don't let this broodiness/longing spoil what you have. The grass is always greener etc.

I'm back with a name change

Just to update: still distraught, possibly more so. DP asks me why I'm so sad and I tell him I'm just down. He asks me to talk to him and I cannot even say the words. I'm just trying hard to be a good mum and stepmum

I'll probably have to find a therapist before my indulgent and selfish wants ruin the lives of the people I love more than anything 🤷🏽‍♀️

Trying hard to live in the present - to count my blessings and keep the bitterness intact

Thanks for everyone who contributed to this discussion ❤️

It is an issue because you have years left when having dc is pretty sensible idea.
On the other hand I'm in my mid 40's and wouldn't be considering another dc as mine are in secondary school now.
It is worth talking to him though if you are upset, not to pressure him but just to honest about where you are at the moment.

How old is your current child .

For me it is directly relevant - he wanted them with her, why not with me? It's utter and total rejection and nothing anyone says can get me past this.

@freckledleopard - can you really not understand why a man might want dc in his 20s but not in his 40s??

Really??

If you think this will kill your relationship then leave him now. You're not wrong but he is not wrong either.

And if you are so convinced that nothing will stop you feeling this way, then it's pointless and you and you dh may as well split up.

I couldn't have a child with somebody knowing they really didn't want one. I would always feel he saw the child as just a " responsibility".

All 3 of my children were unplanned, within a marriage. There was no burning desire for them and i would have said after each i didn't want more, but i can honestly say they have all changed my life for the better. You don't have to consciously decide to have children for them to be loved.

If you feel so strongly & it’s upsetting you this much you need to talk to him honestly. He deserves that - you love him enough to marry him then you love him enough to be completely transparent about how you feel.

If you don’t your sadness & resentment will destroy the relationship anyway.

I’m sorry OP this must he really difficult