Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Same old story. Age gap and wanting a baby..

93 replies

generalofficepaper · 19/12/2019 15:23

I know, I know..

Everyone said I'd want a child with him. I said no and I really believed myself

I have one DS, he has two DC

We are an amazingly happy bunch, all blended and so comfortable with each other

But the wee pangs. I'm 30. He's in the second half of his 40s

I can't do it to him. He said he would have one if I really wanted, but has made it clear he doesn't actually want one

I'd always know. However the sadness has started. The wedding is booked for next year. I see pregnant women and the pangs of jealousy Sad

We discussed and he said he is prioritising our relationship and our time together, he loves me and because the existing children are well out of baby stage - we have a semblance of a normal life with plenty of time together. I get it. He wants us to have the holidays and the relaxed time. I'm increasingly consumed with sadness that he willingly had two kids with his ex wife

Please tell me I'll get over this. I love him so much. I do not want to resent him

OP posts:
Thornhill58 · 19/12/2019 19:18

@FreckledLeopard I had two children with my ex and if somebody said that why him I'll say because I was a young idiot. Your husband had children with his now EX so it meant that she wasn't more special or better than you because she'll still his wife otherwise.
He is with you that means you are his parter, he shares everything with you not her or anybody else.
Children divide couples like very few other things in life.
You are focusing on the wrong thing. He wants you but not another child.
If you don't let go I can see you won't be together for long as your disappointment will affect your relationship. Bitterness it's an awful companion.
You can always get pregnant by mistake and see what happens...

RandomMess · 19/12/2019 19:22

I'm late 40s, looooooove babies and young children, heart broken when we stopped. I would love to have a couple of pre schoolers running around the house, to put to bed, to take to the playground and see Santa and so on.

No way would I want to start over, not because I wouldn't a baby now but because in 10 years time I want to be chilling not running around after a pre teen. Not to mention how worried I am for our existing DC finances without having another in the mix.

It really is about different stage of life, he's moved on, he's done with having little kids, it really is as simple as that.

FreckledLeopard · 19/12/2019 19:24

I don't want to derail the threadi (I've posted enough about this already) but it's just immensely difficult not to be raging, bitter and full of utter hatred at the universe and the position I'm in. I'm surrounded by friends and colleagues getting married and getting pregnant and I feel absolute humiliation and rejection that it's not something on the cards for me.

It's all consuming, exhausting and frankly, on days like today, I'd rather be dead than face more of the misery.

And before someone comes along and says I should have therapy, I've had 20 years of therapy, counselling and diagnoses and it's all
served little purpose.

Anyway, @generalofficepaper, sorry for the derail and my misery. Just wanted you to know that you're not the only one out there.

Wallywobbles · 19/12/2019 19:46

I couldn't do it again at his age. It'd totally alter the future I've been looking forward to. I'd resent it so much. Another 20+ years of payments for another kid. And whose to say ones going to tick the box and you won't want another.

We had this conversation and I said no for the above reasons. It would really ruin my future. Of course he'll live the kid but....

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 19/12/2019 21:25

Sorry, I misread the OP and thought all three children were his alone, i.e. that you were potentially missing the opportunity to have a child because of him.

That changes my response - I think you should let things be as you're both already parents. Enjoy the children you already have.

I do understand the urge to have another child, I've had it myself, but ignored it for practical reasons!

Softscoop35 · 19/12/2019 21:31

My situation was similar with my (now) husband.
Thee is 20 years between us and i told him from the get go i wanted children. He had 3 already and had a vasectomy but said there was avenues we could go down.
8 months later, he changed his mind. I was so hurt that he let me fall for him, then put me in a position where i felt like i had to choose (i know your partner hasnt done this)
Anyway, i chirped away at him for 2 years and finally he agreed to see a IVF specialist. This was after me promising to have a ride on the back of his bike (which i never did)
From that point, he was completely on board.
After 4 cycles of IVF, 2 miscarriages, losing a twin, premature baby... not only did we finally get our baby and i finally became a mummy... We decided last year to go again.... currently just recovering from another cycle that ended in early miscarriage but the point is...
My husband was reluctant, at one point adamant... but he now wouldnt change it for the world.

If you genuinely have that feeling, that baby yearning.. regardless it its your 1st, 2nd or 3rd... that isnt going to go away.....

spurlingpipe · 19/12/2019 21:51

How long ago did he talk about not wanting anymore?
If your feelings have changed since then, his may well have as well.

I definitely think you should talk to him about it.
Not to try and change his mind but because discussing it with him and telling him how you feel may help you come to terms with it and if these things are bottled up and left unsaid they tend to lead to resentment and problems further down the line.

ApplejackCriesOnTheInside · 19/12/2019 22:23

I think 30 is very young to give up on having babies and that if you want one, that longing will only get worse as you head towards your 40s and you will end up resenting him. Although I think late 40s is a bit long in the tooth to be starting a family, he should accept that it goes with the territory if he's chosen a relationship with a much younger woman.

category12 · 19/12/2019 22:49

You've only been feeling broody a couple of months. It may well pass.

It's not like you're late 30s and your window about to close. You still have time on your side. I think you should ride it out a bit and see if the broodinesss fades away.

Babyg1995 · 19/12/2019 22:55

Me and my dp are about ages as you and your dp I have 2 DC and he has 1 DC from previous relationship we are now expecting a DD together but we both wanted to have another child .but if he or I was not 100% sure we wouldn't have went ahead with it .

Jennifer2r · 19/12/2019 23:34

I know I said this before and its quite 'unmumsnetty'. I appreciate the longing for a child, hormones, etc. Do you consider that there's enough humans in the world, your own carbon footprint etc? That it might not just be about what makes you happy and fulfilled but about what's the right thing to do?

I'd never say that someone shouldn't have children because of global resources constraints. I might ask, that a family who have 3 children consider whether a 4th is really necessary.

Jennifer2r · 19/12/2019 23:36

We all have unpleasant feelings to live with. The desire for another child I imagine is strong, but I think you could put your mind to overcoming it.

Jennifer2r · 19/12/2019 23:37

I say that as someone who for various reasons hasn't been blessed with any children.

Emmapeeler1 · 19/12/2019 23:49

My settled family life is more important than a baby and the already existing members take precedence over my wishes

This for me is the key. Own your feelings and acknowledge them but then think all the things you do have. How you feel is very common. You may feel differently in future but it sounds like you haven’t reached a state of acceptance yet.

Bluerussian · 20/12/2019 00:59

AmICrazyorWhat2 Thu 19-Dec-19 21:25:39
I think you should let things be as you're both already parents. Enjoy the children you already have.

I do understand the urge to have another child, I've had it myself, but ignored it for practical reasons!
.......
Very sensible post. I too felt broody, I was older than the op - 37 - but thought seriously about having another child. I'm very glad I didn't.

Op, bless you, this will pass but you will feel broody again from time to time. We can't always have what we want though. I'm sure you are fine as you are and your husband already has two children plus some responsibility for your child as you live together, that really is enough.

Be happy and enjoy your life.

ravenmum · 20/12/2019 08:54

My youngest is planning to start university in the autumn of next year; if it works out, he'll be 23 by the time he finishes. OP's husband would be about 70 if his child was finishing uni at that age, retiring after 40 years of nonstop financial responsibility for children.

If he doesn't have another child, meanwhile, he can hope for a few non-responsible years before he retires in which he can guiltlessly spend money on himself. If he has a fourth child to look after, this is only an option if he is very well off indeed. It's not just about him being young enough to be able to play football with his imaginary new son.

My husband and I knew that we were not poor, but not well enough off to comfortably put three children through uni if they wanted. I remember changing my youngest's nappy and telling my husband how I was sad even then because I already knew it was the last time I'd be doing those things. I don't think that's an unusual feeling.

When we were both 45, he got himself an OW and lied to her that he'd always wanted a third child and I'd prevented him. We divorced and it didn't work out with that OW in the end, but now, at 50, he's found another younger woman and wants to marry her. I wonder if he's again promising her a child. Sickening that now, apparently, he can afford the third child I would have loved, especially telling that lie about me not wanting one.

Don't feel jealous of his ex-wife, GOP. She's presumably his age and has no chance to start a family with a new man? She was imagining a different future, too, living as a happy family with her husband and children.

lynsey91 · 20/12/2019 09:16

@ApplejackCriesOnTheInside Although I think late 40s is a bit long in the tooth to be starting a family, he should accept that it goes with the territory if he's chosen a relationship with a much younger woman.

Why should he accept that it supposedly "goes with the territory"? The OP's post reads as though they had both agreed they were not having more children but now she, and only she, has changed her mind.

It's not as though the OP has no children is it? She says they are happy so why risk that happiness just to bring another child into an already overpopulated world?

Children are one of the biggest causes of relationship breakdown so OP could have another child and then this marriage break down. Seems a silly risk

Mintjulia · 20/12/2019 09:37

He’s not old. I had ds at 45 and my dp was 55. It hasn’t been a problem at all. Still coping fine & ds is happy 11yo. If he says he doesn’t mind, and means it, go for it.

ravenmum · 20/12/2019 09:46

@Mintjulia Was it the fourth child the two of you had to finance?
My bf adopted a child at 45, she's 10 and it's fine - she's his only child, though.

Nanny0gg · 20/12/2019 09:56

So he says no. That's a deal breaker for you and you leave a man that you love.

There is then no guarantee that you'll meet someone else tohave a baby with.

What's more important to you?

Astrabees · 20/12/2019 10:01

If you have a baby in your late forties you will be providing for the child right up until retirement and possibly beyond. That means that the lovely golden bit of your late working life isn't about being together, holidays, and enjoying things before old age sets in it is about topping up student loans, worrying about them getting jobs and having the possibility of them returning home for some years.
another baby would have a big impact on the family dynamic.
I had my last at 38, and really wanted another but the thought of a baby at 40 meant that parenting would go on too long, so i did not. As it is I'm 64, DS2 became truly independent 2 years ago and we now have a very laid back and enjoyable life.
I can't advise you what to do, I'm sure another child would also bring a lot of joy, but do just think through the impact too.

MoStew18 · 20/12/2019 10:13

My OP is 20+ years older than me he has children from previous relationships.... he mentioned when we first got together that he didn't want another DC even though I don't have any of my own... few years went by and it was actually DP who was the one to suggest having another DC and obviously I jumped at the chance... we now have a gorgeous 18 month old together and he wouldn't change a thing! he absolutely adores him and vice versa... he's actually spoken about having another DC! It's really hard when you love someone so much you it's only natural you want to have their children... I'd say go for it!

MoStew18 · 20/12/2019 10:14

DP* not OP lol

Original poster
generalofficepaper · 20/12/2019 10:25

Hi 👋🏼

I've read all the responses and I appreciate all of them

I am the one who has changed my mind - he has been open and honest from day one - and I really didn't want another child 🤷🏽‍♀️ I genuinely didn't for so long

I will have to ride it out Sad

OP posts:
Moneyperson · 20/12/2019 10:26

I don't like the way he said, "if you insist". What about, "if your heart's set on it" or "if you won't be happy without".

It's different if a woman said no to babies because it's her body. But how can he marry you and be okay with no more kids for year after year in the face of your regret?

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread