How long before dating becomes a relationship?

[TheCatWithTheHat]

Just to set the scene, I'm a 45 year old guy who came out of an 8 year relationship earlier this year so am a bit rusty with dating. My previous long term relationships happened pretty quickly - we became an item after just a few dates, so maybe a few weeks to a month before we had the exclusive chat.

However I recently met someone online, and we've been dating for about 3 months now. We've both got busy jobs, so it's not always easy to meet that often, and have had about 10 dates in that time, although a couple of those involved her staying over at mine. We've also not slept together yet, as she's very shy and nervous about that, but we've got very close last time we saw each other and she did make a comment that once she sleeps with a guy it usually ends up as a relationship.

She is taking things very slowly though, and has said she doesn't want to put a label on things yet, although she does often talk and joke about stuff involving us in the future and refers to us as dating. I know she also talks about me to her parents, and best friends and as far as I know she isn't dating anyone else.

However, I'm starting to feel that after this amount of time, we should be discussing being exclusive and making it a little more official. I feel a bit uneasy at times as I really like her, but sometimes worry why she's being a bit reluctant to "put a label" on us.

So I just wanted to get some views of whether 3 months is still very early to expect this (I admit my views could be skewed by my limited experience), or is it reasonable to expect a little more commitment after this length of time? Or should I just stop worrying about any labels, and just accept that if she's happy to continue dating it's all good?

Oops ...What it is about you*

I just don't see this ending well. She needs to work on herself before dating. Its not your job to fix her. She will only drag you down. I guarantee she will drag this out for a while longer then disappear.

She sounds like she hasn't worked on her issues enough to be ready to date. You're not doing anything wrong - it's not you. She's just got her own stuff going on, clearly. And I think whatever you do, it's likely she will sabotage this relationship because deep down she is scared and trying to get you to end it. If you don't and are patient, hang in there etc, she'll just eventually sack it off herself I think.

It's not a bad plan to be kind and understanding, but don't sell yourself short either. Rightly or wrongly, she does sound like hard work. You're not her therapist.

IMO, when people are older things generally move a bit quicker. I'd quickly get tired of her over cautious attitude to every little bit of your 'relationship', it all just sounds exhausting.

When I met DP I couldn't wait to get him into bed. We knew we wanted a relationship within weeks.

I don't buy it myself shes so traumatised from things yet 3 months into just dating you both offical word she offload things she finds it hard to talk about. Dont work like that after meeting handful of times.

Shes playing you

No instead if both *

I think it's fair enough to give her more time if you like her OP. I'm similar to her in that I'm very cautious about close relationships and I want to be convinced that a partner wont hurt me before I commit. The only thing I wonder about though is the lack of sex, it may be that she has confidence issues, or shes not into sex, or shes not into you.

If you like her though I'd spend some more time getting to know her and building trust.

@Notcoolmum You and me both Usually it's happened within the first 3 dates, so this is totally uncharted territory for me!

@Redyellowpink - that's a good question. I would have walked away by this point normally, but I really, really like her! We've got so much in common, have an amazing connection and I could see myself settling down with her and having a family which I've never felt about anyone else before. I'd do pretty much anything for her - which again isn't something I've felt before with anyone else. She's only really been like this the last few weeks as well - until the start of the month things have been fine, other than the slow pace getting to know each other (partly due to her being away a lot with work).

We spoke again last night, and she doesn't know what to say to my email yet. She doesn't want to hurt me, but can't give me the answer I want just yet as she says she just doesn't have anything to offer as she feels her life is a mess, and she's utterly exhausted. She doesn't want to meet up at the moment either as she's scared of making things worse.

I said I was worried about losing her, and she mentioned today that maybe we should just call it a day as I deserve better and should be dating people and having fun, but that's the last thing I want to do. I'm really scared about losing someone I care for deeply, and I have no desire to go back dating again in the near future.

As much as I'm trying to convince myself otherwise, I do realise that a lot of your replies are right in that this probably isn't going to go anywhere. I'm really cut up about this - so much so, this 45 year old man is going to go and have a cry on his mum's shoulder later today

I just wish I could turn back the clock a few weeks, and go back to how she was at the start of the month before all this started to happen. But I hate giving up, and will do all I can to be patient and try and make this work.

You sound like a lovely man. I think she's leading you on. She probably likes you but isn't attracted to you. And she's selfishly weighing up her options without being honest with you.

I hope your mum helped. But I'd end things. After 3 months things shouldn't be so hard or complicated. This is supposed to be the fun part.

I feel that somebody who genuinely felt they had nothing to offer and the other person deserved better would just have ended it without all the hand-wringing.

For someone who finds it so hard to open up, she's doing a lot of thinking out loud to you about whether you should stay together. In your first few posts, I felt sympathy for her, but the last couple make it sound like she's enjoying the drama and the ego boost. She's acting like an angst-ridden teenager, whereas really a grown, mature woman, even one with mental health issues, knows how she feels about somebody after 3 months and whether she's in a postition to have a relationship with them or walk away.

All her maybes are an immature way of saying she doesn't want to. You deserve better OP.

@Notcoolmum I honestly think she is attracted to me - we spoke about this a few weeks ago as she was worried I didn't fancy her, and even when we met a few days ago she was very tactile and affectionate.

Having re-read our chats over the last few days I think she's really struggling to even get out of bed sometimes let alone date someone, and doesn't want to make things worse with me. She did say that if we had just met, she'd walk away - but it's harder now as we've been seeing each other for several months now, and I know she does like me, and she says she wants a lot of the things I spoke about in my email.

She only mentioned that it might be best if we leave it for a bit as I was starting to push a bit and say I was really worried about losing her. And even then her wording was leave it for a bit - rather than just end it. Anyway, I've suggested I give her some space until the new year, and we can hopefully meet up when she's feeling more up for it and will leave the ball in her court - which is tough for me, as I have no idea where I stand currently. Her last message doesn't say it's over, but also doesn't say it isn't over.

Also this is really odd - she posts on Instagram quite a lot, and put up a photo I took of her on our weekend away earlier this month with a mysterious hashtag that I took to be referring to me - something along the lines of "thisisforyou". She also quoted lyrics from my favourite band, which I took to be directed at me, as I had only told her I liked them at the place the photo was taken and she said she didn't know any of their songs.

Then last night, she posted a photo of a poster she'd seen during the day yesterday of this same band, with the same "thisisforyou" hashtag, and linked one of their songs which is about love. Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but it seems too much to be a co-incidence?