Where do I go from here? Re crap dad!

[helpamummaout]

Will try and keep this as short as possible but also get all the info in, I just need some advice.
I've posted before about my "dad" Him and my mum split up when I was very young, he's never really been there for me. I went into care when I was 10, my dad lives about 3 hours away and has a new family. He didn't do anything when I went into care. Sometimes I get Christmas/birthday cards, sometimes I don't. I used to try keep in touch and always send cards, found out this year his gf is expecting another child which really effected me, brought up feelings from my childhood as I feel the new baby will be another reason for him not to bother. since then I've gone LC, but saw each other at my grans funeral 2 months ago (left on ok terms) I have twin daughters who will be 2 soon. He's met them twice. On Saturday night I got a message from him that said the following "coming up to see my dad on the 28th, will leave the girls presents there, bless them, they might get them in Christmas 2025 don't bother with us no more" his dad, my grandad lives 5 minutes away from us. I am absolutely furious and still am. I tried ringing but got no reply and there's been NC since.
Thanks for reading if you got this far, any advice will help as I feel my heads all over.

Anyone?

"Wow, I always knew you were a useless waste of skin, I just didn't realise exactly how massive of a cunt you really are. Any human male can be a sperm donor but it takes a real man to be a father."

That's what I'd send. Then block on everything. You'll probably have to block Grandad as well.

What a cunt!

Sorry to hear this. Are you on good terms with your Grandad? Some families are not worth the heartache and it sounds like your dad can be counted among them. So sorry you feel hurt but you need to take him at his word and 'don't bother with him no more'. He's not worth it.

Sorry .

Honestly I think you'd be better off without him in your life at all - he just seems a source of pain and he can't/won't ever be the father you deserve.

It sounds like he really doesn’t want to be a part of any of your lives anymore. Especially him saying “don’t bother with us no more”.
Sadly I would just go strictly NC with him.
It’s difficult but I wouldn’t wast my time anymore. Good luck to you.

I speak from personal experience. Trying to make a parent love you who does not love you causes nothing but pain. Accepting that your parent does not love you at all is hard but once you've shed the tears and come out the other side you will be amazed at how much better your life will be.

OP, the fact that he has had ANYTHING from you after he failed to step up and stop you going onto care, just shows how fabulous you are. Because, some things are pretty unforgivable, and that’s one of them. You have tried to maintain a relationship with him. That’s to your credit. But it’s totally ok to walk away. What does he add to your life and that of your children? As said above, it takes more than a sperm donation to be a father. Best of luck. Don’t let the prat ruin your Christmas. X

He doesn’t deserve you or your time and definitely not any thoughts

Send that message
Then concentrate on your lovely twins
I’m sure your really angry and sad
Who wouldn’t be, you’ve got by since being 10 and you will now

but honestly he is a piece of shit
Block him and don’t get the presents
There probably a load of shite anyway, your twins are too young to even remember him

Thank you so much everyone. I think I just don't want to be the bad one that's stopped him seeing his grandkids but he does a fine job of not seeing them himself doesn't he. Now I just need to type out a message and delete him. I just can't get over him I really can't. I just look at my girls and wonder how someone could do that to their kids. I certainly couldn't, and I won't let him dictate when he can and can't be arsed to be in their lives. Really do appreciate these replies I think they've been just what I needed to hear

Oh sorry @beyondtheshed , no not very close with grandad either him and my grandma split up a lot of years ago and he moved away, only recently moved back and we don't really see each other

I don't want to be the bad one that's stopped him seeing his grandkids

But that's about what he wants/says. Stop and think about what sort of granddad he actually is, what value he would bring to your dc - he's met them twice. He makes no effort. Why inflict the rejection and disinterest you've experienced from him onto your dc as well? They don't need it. They don't need to be picked up and put down when he can't be arsed. You can protect them from that damaging behaviour by keeping him out of their lives.

What @FGSJoanWhatsWrongWithYou said

He isn’t going to change. You don’t want your dc growing up seeing you wanting his approval, thinking you’re not good enough. You are better than this.

Don’t worry about your children missing out on having a gf. He is the one missing out. On you and your children. No one needs a grandfather or father like that in their life. I’d be very tempted to send @EvenMoreFuriousVexation message (or a version of that).

Just to add, I’m speaking from experience. My sperm donor hasn’t contacted me for years. I thought for so long that there was something wrong with me. There isn’t. It’s him. Since I changed my mindset I’ve been so much happier.

When a parent neglects and mistreats their child it is the parent at fault not the child. Always.

Unfortunately children understand the world as "something bad happened, therefore it's my fault and I am bad" because they don't have the perspective adults do. I would imagine some of your painful feelings of guilt or being the bad one for protecting yourself as an adult stem from those ingrained beliefs you would have had as a child in response to the awful things you went through.

You deserved and still deserve so much better I don't have the words for it.

Protecting your children and yourself from his headfuckery is a brave, responsible, positive thing to do. Please don't put yourself down or feel guilty for it. You don't owe him any further explanation.

Its not you, the neglect is all down to him. Concentrate on you and your girls. They are your family. Your "father" is just a man you happen to share dna with, nothing more.

Thank you so much everyone the replies have helped me massively, it's just so nice to hear it's nothing to do with me and it's all him. I think this has certainly been a long time coming. Once I've sat down I'm going to write out a message and I'll keep you all posted if I get a reply or anything. I think I just need some closure I was just going to ignore him but Atleast if I send a message with how I feel I can just close the door on it.

I'd be tempted to reply 'Who is this?'

Obviously it's entirely your choice, but bear in mind this man is highly unlikely to offer any response that will bring you closure rather than additional pain. Otherwise he'd already have done it.

Think about whether you would be better off taking back the power here by sending any final message and then immediately blocking him so that you have the final say rather than spending time waiting/hoping for a message that will bring healing and then being hurt and/or let down again.

I've spent this morning at a funeral of a fantastic dad his children are in pieces at his death my dad isnt like that he is around ish but not "dad" iyswim its brought home to me family isnt all its cracked up to be

This so called ‘father’ is a toxic, abusive prick.

Just because they are family doesn’t mean you have to have anything to do with them.

Get rid of the toxic people out of your life and start to heal.

If you must text him, block him straight afterwards.

Then give yourself a big treat as you have broken the pattern of abuse.

I also have a dad who is indifferent.

I am now vvv LC with him. I tried a few years ago to explain how sad I was about the state of our relationship, how hurt I was by his indifference and how much I wished we could improved our relationship. All I got back was blame that it was my fault and that he couldn’t imagine anything he could do to make it better. I told him at that point that he could have it his was and I was stepping back. Now have minimal contact

It’s up to you but it may be worth not sending him the ‘final message’. If you’re anything like me you’ll then be on tenterhooks waiting for his reply which might never come, or might dismiss your feelings. I was cross at myself that I was still dancing to his tune. In your shoes and with my hindsight I would make a decision about contact, low contact or no contact that you are genuinely happy with and then just do it. No fanfare. Block without telling him if that’s the case. You can then walk away with it all on your terms.

Yes that's true, I tried the low contact and that's obviously not worked. After my mum passed away I also poured my heart out about how I thought he would of stepped up seen as though he was my only parent. I got the same old story of "it works both ways, you know where I am if you need me" crap. Now I'm just not really sure what to do for the best. I feel really anxious about it all if I'm honest and don't know if I've got the guts to block and delete. I don't even know why, he doesn't deserve any kind of explanation or anything does he. Especially after that horrible message at the weekend.

I speak from personal experience. Trying to make a parent love you who does not love you causes nothing but pain. Accepting that your parent does not love you at all is hard but once you've shed the tears and come out the other side you will be amazed at how much better your life will be
Me too, agree with this. I wouldn't even reply, just block. Leave the twat wondering.
FWIW my very own sperm donor said something awful, to lots of people. I never have spoken to him again, its been around 15 years. I have even walked right past him, he saw me and wanted to talk,but tough shit. You cannot say such mean shit and have no repercussions.
Same with your sperm donor.

'You let me be taken into care at X years old instead of taking me, your daughter, into your home. If anyone would know not bothering with contact it would be you.'

That's what I'd send tbh

You dont need guts to block him. If you actually block him on everything in every way (I would change my phone number but I'm a bitch) you will feel less anxious because YOU made the decision, not him.