Where do I go from here? Re crap dad!

[helpamummaout]

Will try and keep this as short as possible but also get all the info in, I just need some advice.
I've posted before about my "dad" Him and my mum split up when I was very young, he's never really been there for me. I went into care when I was 10, my dad lives about 3 hours away and has a new family. He didn't do anything when I went into care. Sometimes I get Christmas/birthday cards, sometimes I don't. I used to try keep in touch and always send cards, found out this year his gf is expecting another child which really effected me, brought up feelings from my childhood as I feel the new baby will be another reason for him not to bother. since then I've gone LC, but saw each other at my grans funeral 2 months ago (left on ok terms) I have twin daughters who will be 2 soon. He's met them twice. On Saturday night I got a message from him that said the following "coming up to see my dad on the 28th, will leave the girls presents there, bless them, they might get them in Christmas 2025 don't bother with us no more" his dad, my grandad lives 5 minutes away from us. I am absolutely furious and still am. I tried ringing but got no reply and there's been NC since.
Thanks for reading if you got this far, any advice will help as I feel my heads all over.

Normally his partner & other kids would wish them happy birthday on social media but not heard anything from them either. I know I need to delete them all. It's just easier said than done I suppose

Hello @helpamummaout It is such a crap time of year to be dealing with this manipulation. I made a mistake of contacting my #crapdad yesterday and I got another twisted nonsense response. I was kicking myself for trying! I was saying to my DP - how many times until I learn his response will never be what I want? As the saying goes "when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time"
So concentrating on our DC and have tried to explain we won't be seeing their "D"GF this Christmas but that he still loves them (I actually don't believe he is capable but am not sure how to explain it to them. My #crapdad claims I kept them from him. I didn't. I just didn't provide the access he expected). Anyway - just a reminder that no contact is really the only way to heal properly. Maybe at some point in the future when we're feeling strong and resolute, it might be possible to have some contact. But I suspect not. I just can't quite get to "never" even though I know I am done. Much love to you and your family

Seems like we are in a very similar situation @Griefmonster ! Sorry your crap dad has let you down again. I still haven't blocked them all I think I'm waiting for Christmas to see if any effort is made, I'm hoping it's not so I have no doubts what so ever that blocking deleting all of them ect is the right thing to do. I know a lot think I need no more reason but I feel like I just need that for the final nail in the coffin!
Your dad sounds just like mine, will happily be the doting/dad grandad, aslong as you do all the running. But if you dare say otherwise "relationships work both ways".
I really hope you and your family have a lovely Christmas, hopefully in the new year we will have the strength to cut these toxic people out of our lives finally. Xxx

I won't have my daughters feel an ounce of what I've felt growing up

Please keep that at the front of your mind.

The fact you don't know if there'll be any contact at Xmas shows that none of these relatives care about you or your girls.

Take control and block them out in every way you can.
That's how to protect your girls.

What if one of them makes a small gesture, like wishes you all merry Christmas on social media? Will that be enough to keep you hanging on?

I cut all contact with my dad when I was found out I was pregnant. He is a terrible dad to me and ruined years of my life and I don't want him to do the same to my dc. I suggest you ignore his message, block his number and forget about him. I'm sorry

I don't really know @category12, it just feels a lot harder than block and move on when it's your only parent left. Deep down I know that's what I need to do though.

Sorry to hear about your "dad" too @HarrietThePi , I hope you have a lovely Christmas with your family. Do you ever have any regrets?

helpamummaout

Talk is cheap, isn't it, OP?

Another "daughter of a truly crappy father" here. Im in my mid-to-late thirties at this point. I'm generally happy, I've lovely friends, a great job, an otherwise lovely family and am just basically very privileged.

That doesn't mean I don't still bawl my eyes out every time my father decides to be, well, ... him, in a way that I can't successfully ignore.

My crap dad is the reason why I involuntarily felt horribly, horribly jealous over my friend being adopted by her step-father in adulthood - and then felt incredibly guilty for feeling jealous of someone whose biological father had passed away early in her childhood. It's not that I wasn't happy for her (I was and am) - just that I really, really struggled with the thought that her father wanted her enough to make her officially his despite not being a blood relative whereas mine would take literally any opportunity to make it clear to my sibling and me just how much he could not be arsed and how much he preferred his stepson depite us walking through life with half his genome.

As you can tell, I'm hardly a pro at not getting hurt anymore. But one thing I've learned is that family is more about where you're around people who make you feel cherished than about genes, and that these are the people worth investing your own love back into.

Sorry @ItsLikeHeardingCats , it sounds like your dad still hurts you deeply. What stops you walking away?
The thing is with my dad when we are together he is "the doting dad" says all the right things ect. Until he's had a drink of course!
I think it effects us deeply no matter of age. I am almost 30 and feel it still effects me the same as when I was a young child.

Sorry not answering for cats honest.

it sounds like your dad still hurts you deeply. What stops you walking away?
But tbh I still cry (makes me so angry with myself) at my stupid stupid sperm donor. He really did say unforgivable things (actually on the internet so available forever more too) and that's when I went no contact, was sporadic before and always led by me. The only upside for me is that I took the decision. Just this once it wasnt by him, for him, about him. It was about me and self respect.
To my mind if anyone else had treated me so badly or said the things sperm donor said, I would have cut them out of my life. So why not him?

What stops you walking away?

It's complicated! Executive summary: a) it's not technically his fault in that it's a mental health issue rather than innate malice and also you don't let ill people down and b) I remember him before things went South (and still deeply love that father) and hence have a really hard time convincing myself that this side of him is irrevokably lost.

I think it effects us deeply no matter of age. I am almost 30 and feel it still effects me the same as when I was a young child.

I suspect that this is because we all operate under the assumption that it's natural and to some degree more of a biological imperative than a choice for parents to love their children pretty much unconditionally. So, when this doesn't happen, we tend to feel there must be something deeply wrong with us for failing to trigger that response in them. Or, that's me at least. Recognising the mechanism has helped to a degree.

Totally agree @Dangerfloof, people keep saying would I let anyone else treat me like this and I say no. So I don't know why I allow it, but like I say something in the back of our minds probably yearn for better one day.
I had my mum taken away from me without a choice so probably find it harder to erase my dad out of my life myself. I'm essentially making myself an orphan!

Sorry to hear about your "dad" too @HarrietThePi , I hope you have a lovely Christmas with your family. Do you ever have any regrets?

Sometimes I think of him being lonely or sad and I feel upset. But he is married so he has his wife for company. He has an adult stepson too though I don't think he (stepson) sees his mum or my dad very often (not because of any reason, they just live far apart).

My one regret, or rather sticking point is, I don't really know what to do if my dd ever asks to meet him. I think I'd actually be fine with a one-off visit just to let them meet, but if he or she wanted regular contact I don't know what I'd do. I don't think I could handle seeing him very often and I would never ever let him see her without me without me present because I would worry for her safety.

Well, that's them all deleted off fb apart from my twin step brothers which I feel too bad as they've done nothing wrong. Feels weird but a weight lifted. As you guessed, no cards and no merry Christmas on the phone ect. Hope the rest of you had a lovely day x

Merry Christmas. You've given yourself a good present there.

Sorry op. Have a good Christmas and I hope the new year brings you peace with it.

Well done, helpamummaout.
You'll feel so much lighter. Can you block their numbers also?

My heart breaks for you, OP, and for the other posters on this thread. All I can suggest is that you think how you feel about your own DC. They didn't need to "deserve" your love, did they? And you'd go to any lengths to prevent them going into care, wouldn't you?

These crap dads have something fundamental missing. They don't let you down because there's something wrong with you but because there's something wrong with them.

Please don't expose your precious babies to this waste of space. Go NC and walk away with your head held high.

Thanks everyone. I think I can do block with time but I'm just doing little baby steps for now. This is a massive thing for me and I feel proud for doing it. It's also extremely hard. But looking around the room today and seeing the family who does love us really helped. I still can't get my head around it. I love my girls with every bit of me and would never ever let them down or let them feel unloved. We've had such a beautiful day together. They really are amazing, more food him. Just want to say a massive thank you to you all for helping me make this massive step, I know for a fact it's going to help my mental health so much in the future x

Fool

Prawnofthepatriarchy is so right, "These crapDads have something fundamental missing. They don't let you down. ecaise there's something wrong with youbut because there's something wrong with them. "

*because

Go gently @helpamummaout. A bit random from a stranger on the internet but I feel so proud of you. You are modelling great strength and self-respect to your DC.

Baby steps are still steps and they are in the right direction. And stopping and assessing is also fine. You don't have to do everything at once. And you might go a bit off track sometimes. But as you learn to trust your instincts more and can interpret what you're feeling better, you'll find decisions and actions easier to take.

When you've been essentially gaslighted your whole life by a parent, it can leave you very muddled. Getting to know myself better feels quite powerful.

So true @midsummabreak starting to see it more.

Aww thank you @Griefmonster , they are really lovely words and mean a lot. He is due to come up on the 28th to see his dad I'm glad I'll be at my sisters Incase he just decided to show up.

I bet it feels good doesn't it!! X