Where do I go from here? Re crap dad!

[helpamummaout]

Will try and keep this as short as possible but also get all the info in, I just need some advice.
I've posted before about my "dad" Him and my mum split up when I was very young, he's never really been there for me. I went into care when I was 10, my dad lives about 3 hours away and has a new family. He didn't do anything when I went into care. Sometimes I get Christmas/birthday cards, sometimes I don't. I used to try keep in touch and always send cards, found out this year his gf is expecting another child which really effected me, brought up feelings from my childhood as I feel the new baby will be another reason for him not to bother. since then I've gone LC, but saw each other at my grans funeral 2 months ago (left on ok terms) I have twin daughters who will be 2 soon. He's met them twice. On Saturday night I got a message from him that said the following "coming up to see my dad on the 28th, will leave the girls presents there, bless them, they might get them in Christmas 2025 don't bother with us no more" his dad, my grandad lives 5 minutes away from us. I am absolutely furious and still am. I tried ringing but got no reply and there's been NC since.
Thanks for reading if you got this far, any advice will help as I feel my heads all over.

Ignore his stupid, manipulative comments. He is trying to cover up his choice to be the selfish, neglectful, absent grandparent and father, but failing dismally.

He has been essentially absent from his grandchildren's life Now he's trying to blame you "they might get them in 2025" means you might bother seeing his Dad and collecting the presents sometime many years later. He can't face the truth and take responsibility for the shit relationship between you He was the absent father and allowed you to go into care No way could you develop a close relationship with him or his Dad when they were absent from your life He's trying to make you feel guilty and deflect blame by making out he is the good guy and the bringsr of presents and suggesting you are the bad guy and may fail to visit his dad and collect them in time
He cant live with his own guilt that he was never there for you and left you in care. Just be yourself and carry on. He is a manipulative, neglectful, selfish parent and grandparent. Not worth a response. Carry on being true to yourself and take no heed. He will always have to look back and realise and he was a useless parent , and trying to be the good guy and deflect blame will never change his serious mistakes in life

You are a wonderful person and Mum. Keep giving your time and energy to the things that bring joy into your life.

I am so sorry to hear you didn't get the father you deserve OP. I am just realising I am also in the same position although it has taken me decades to realise it. I would slightly disagree with PP who says he doesn't love you. It's not that he doesn't, it's that he can't. That fact - and it is a fact - has helped me massively see that it is pointless trying to win him over. Look at the stately home thread, read about narcissistic parents and my best book recommendation is "adult children of emotionally immature parents".

This is all about him, you have done no wrong, you deserved better.

@midsummabreak I feel you've really hit the nail on the head there, I don't even know how I've never seen him that way, I know he is/was shit but I've never seen how he twists it until now

Thank you @Griefmonster I'm sorry to hear you are going through similar, will have a look at that book, I've read some of the "children of alcoholics" is it by the same author do you know?

I'm not sure but it's this one here: www.amazon.co.uk/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents-ebook/dp/B00TZE87S4?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

A really helpful part of the book for me was that it explains how emotionally immature people CANNOT reflect on their own behaviour or take responsibility. He will never have a light bulb moment and realise how shit he is. Their ability to justify and blame and project is extraordinary to people like you - who are able to reflect on their behaviour.

Of course you are wondering what to do - you are kind and loving. It must have taken extraordinary strength and courage for you to get to where you are now - articulate, loving, empathetic. You owe it to yourself and your kids to disengage.

Your lovely children don't need his gifts. They are not given freely and generously. They come with too many strings.

Your children need you and your unconditional love for them x

Thank you @Griefmonster that's so lovely to hear. I feel he sees things totally warped. He once said to me "I've always been there for you" and I was just totally gobsmacked. It's like he says things to make me question my own sanity.

@helpamummaout - yes it is very disturbing when you start to see the behaviour in this new light. It's essentially an emotionally abusive relationship. Shocking when we are told our parents must love us unconditionally. Please take care of yourself in this. If you can, get some support (therapy if you can). These people can pull all kinds of tricks to suck you back in (fake illness, tell lies about you or tell you others agree with them) all to provoke a response from you. It will be the hardest thing to disconnect even in those circumstances. But no good can come from contact. Take care x

It is such a hard thing to deal with OP. I have a similar personal experience and completely agree with what FGSJoanWhatsWrongWithYou said. As difficult as it is, you have to accept that he is not going to change and he will never be the parent that you want/need. Personally I would not reply to him, as others have said it will only leave you waiting to see if he texts back. I went NC contact with my father after I finally realised that he would never change. It was incredibly difficult to come to terms with the fact that he didn’t/couldn’t love or care about me but once I accepted that then I felt I could finally move forward. Going NC does not make you the “bad one”, he is the one at fault here.

Gawd, another version of the negligent, self-absorbed parent who thinks they've 'always been there for you' although they ignore, ignore, ignore. And as you have discovered their mindset is up the creek without a paddle as they can't see what you see and experience and never will.

Unfortunately there isn't a lot you can do and despite the painful abandonment you have experienced with this man you still long for that connection. Having more children must really rub the salt in the wound for you and you are wounded. He doesn't deserve you. I am so so sorry for you.

If you are able to disengage with some help if you can access it, it will get better and eventually you won't care. I promise. Put all your love into your girls.

I found it easier after I had children. No way am I going expose them to the mindfucks I was exposed to. They know that I hardly ever talk to grandma and that grandma is not in the slightest bit interested in us except when she's after something. They know it is because she's bonkers. It is nothing to do with them and their personalities or god forbid to do with their worthiness. She's a selfish woman, as a result we don't have a meaningful relationship, that's a shame but it is how it is.

Although it's hard I probably wouldn't be doing it if it wasn't for my girls. I never want them to feel unwanted in the slightest. Yes the new addition certainly feels like rubbing salt in the wound.
Luckily my partners family are so lovely and great with the girls so luckily they will have them.

I would definitely like to look into some kind of counselling but don't really know where to start.

I am really lucky to have access to counselling through work so I didn't have to pay for the first 6 sessions. My counseller does "transactional analysis" which I have found really helpful for this type of relationship. You could try the BACP website to start with: www.bacp.co.uk/about-therapy/how-to-find-a-therapist/

That's really helpful thank you @Griefmonster . Did you carry on after your first 6 sessions?

Yes I have. I think I could have got something useful from the 6 but I've plenty more to explore... (I could probably see her every week for the rest of my days!) Even if you don't manage some counselling, some reading can reply help and plenty of taking care of yourself. Much love x

My gorgeous twins 2nd birthday today, no card from their grandad, no attempt to contact them. Feeling much more reassured in my decision of going NC! Spent the evening with their grandparents (from their dads side) they really do show me what a normal loving family should be! X

You were badly badly let down by your dad and extended family by having to go into care. No relative of mine would ever go into care if I had any choice in the matter and would always have a home here, let alone my own child.
I’m so sorry you’ve not had the unconditional love from your dad you rightly hope for and deserved. Give that 10 year old inside you a big cuddle. She is worthy of that kind of love and grown up you is too.

Thank you @oncemorewithfeeling99 I put up with it for myself, suppose I knew no difference and still craved it would happen at some point in my life, slowly realising it never will and I won't have my daughters feel an ounce of what I've felt growing up. He's missing out on 2 beautiful girls!

Make sure your daughter know what kind of father he has been . The fact they have uncles and aunties the same age as them . As they might me bump in to each other .

Keep this horrible, manipulative prick out of your life and out of your children's lives. They deserve to be protected from him and so do you.

don't bother with us no more

OK, do just that. You've gone NC, well done. Please stick with it.

Do you think his parenting skills improve with every subsequent child born ? No, neither did I.

You are well rid.

He’s been a complete disappointment to you all your life,he’s not going to change.
Cut him off and out of your life,the greatest thing you can do is raise your dc how you weren’t and you personally will be happier 💐

Luckily we live 3 hours away so no chance of them just bumping into the relatives. It's playing on my mind so much lately I was awake for 2 hours in the night thinking about it. Hopefully when Christmas has been and gone I can get my head around it a bit more. Christmas just feels to make everything a little harder. Still putting on a brave face for the girls though they've been to see Santa today. Sorry just kind of using this thread to air my feelings.