Sexting before you meet, is it ok?

[littlebirdieblue]

Well just that really. I'm trying OLD and chatting to some nice guys. Been on a few dates but they weren't for me. I've been chatting to this man for about 10 days now, will be meeting on Friday. The thing is that since last Friday we've been sexting a little and then this morning it was a lot and ended up him calling me on WhatsApp and we had phone sex. I really enjoyed it but I'm nervous now that this will make things awkward on Friday. I've only ever had 1 long term partner that I've sexted with before, and I just want to know if I have ruined the chance of us having anything more than just this? Sorry I'm rambling a little. I've told him my thoughts and he was saying not to worry, but I just don't know if it's ok to do this before you've even met?

Have you got a clear idea in your mind about if you definitely don't want to have sex with him on Fri?

You say you've never had a one night stand. Is this something you are up for trying or want to avoid. If you want to avoid it, I would make that clear before you meet - you can thank him for his recent phone conversation saying he is interested in a relationship, that you'd like to rewind the last couple of days if that's possible and want him to know you won't be having sex with him on Friday if you meet up.

You can see then if he is still interested in meeting.

To those going on about people being prudes, the thing is that Op says she isn't interested in one night stands and hasn't had one before. She isn't making comments about those who do have them. If she doesn't want one that's fine and it's not unreasonable for people to point out that getting involved in setting and phone sex probably sends a signal that sex might well be on the cards, even if it's not guaranteed.

Everyone can do what they want. Of course they can.....but they need to be aware of how their actions are perceived. Op has just realised this and isn't comfortable with it, having not quite thought through the ramifications before the phone sex.

If she was up for a one night stand or something very casual, then all fine. The difficulty comes in sending messages which it is difficult to pull back from. We know that lots of people doing online dating are only interested in sex - that is fine, but if you aren't interested in speedy sex but something long term and think waiting a bit longer for sex is helpful in developing the relationship, then it's not unreasonable to conclude that this one is probably finished in these terms - the starting position just isn't conducive in OP's mind to what she hopes to get from her dating.

I'd say best to bin this one and start again, having lived and learned.

The trouble is, it can be difficult to do the sensible thing when you're dating and be drawn in by someone showing interest and attention, even if it's over the things that probably won't lead to the long term relationship. Op likes this character, clearly fancies him on line and is now faced with walking away and the possibility there might not be anyone else for a while, and taking a chance. Personally I would walk away if I wasn't up for immediate sex, but Op sounds like she really wants to meet him and will be persuaded to go. Will she also be persuaded to sleep with him? Fine if she wants to .....not so great if afterwards she will feel regret as she did with the phone sex.

I met my DH online (sort of) and we sexted before we met. I've been with him for a few years and welcomed our first s couple of months ago.

Me and my now husband did this as he lived a bit away and it took almost a month to sort everything. I figured if it didn't work then it was just a bit of fun. We've been married for a few years now and together for five so didn't put him off.

Tbh if any man judged me for doing something he enthusiastically participated in then he can jog on anyway.

I did this, was pretty much just looking for sex. That was June. We have been seeing each other since. I see him 2 or 3 times per week (kid dependant). He is lovely. He came over and made me tea last week and took my car for an MoT as I was poorly. We still spend a lot of time fucking but it’s not all about the sex!

Don’t rule out the possibility that this might be a goer!

It isn’t about judging. It’s about mixed messages about what you are looking for in a partner. OP doesn’t want to have a ONS and has woken up feeling rubbish about what had happened. This is no judgment on other people who DO enjoy it

I'd go!

Having been in passionless relationships sexting is a great way to tell if someone knows what they're doing!

I think he sounds ok.

Don't feel rubbish about yourself, OP. There's nothing wrong with being interested in sex, but you need to protect yourself against the expectations of strangers.

People are different. Some people sext, have phone sex, have one night stands and wake up the next morning and feel great and empowered by the whole thing. It works for them.
Other people do those things and wake up and feel crap the next day. It doesn't work for them.
There's not a right answer. Just because some people have done it and had a happy outcome (whatever that means) doesn't mean Op should do it, and neither does the fact that other people have had a less happy outcome mean she shouldn't.

Op has to know herself and decide. All of us on here have to stop projecting our personal preferences and what we would do as if our own reaction is the only right one. We need to acknowledge that seeing this guy might work well or not so well for Op, regardless of how we might feel if we were in the same situation or have been in the past.

Probably Op knows what would be best for her personally. Sometimes it takes a while to fully grasp it or take it on board. Lots of people know what works for them and doesn't, but still behave in a way which they know is likely to hurt themselves. I hope Op can think it through and know what is likely to best for her and act on it.

Hells bells people. A grown woman felt horny, had phone sex with a willing partner and now feels a little shy about it. Go on your bloody date op. If you like him have fun and if you don't then extricate yourself. Own yourself and your actions. You have NOTHING to be worried about or ashamed of. He might be expecting sex. So what? I am expecting a pay raise and clearly that is not happening. Leave yourself alone and enjoy your single life. Happy Christmas. 😊😂😀

Absolutely no judgement from me, just advice to be very careful about getting emotionally involved before meeting, my firm rule was always no chat beyond 2 weeks without meeting otherwise you can start to develop feelings which is a bad idea. It can be difficult to arrange a meet around work, dc etc. but he will find time for a coffee if he's genuine.

Sexting and phone sex are harmless and safe (assuming no photos) but best reserved for men you just want to flirt with or for getting an itch scratched. If you're looking to go on a proper date I would avoid any kind of sex talk until you've met, in my experience men accept that or turn nasty in which case you've had a lucky escape.

Oh, and there's are many thousands of smug marrieds on MN who think you shouldn't even go on a date till your dc are 21 let alone be off having sex with a man, worth bearing in mind when reading responses.

It's simple op.

Do you think you could say no to sex if he asked or would you feel obliged? If you'd feel obliged then cancel, but also take sometime out from dating becasue nothing should ever make you feel obliged.

If you could say no, then go. You should be following safe dating rules regardless - public space, phone check in with mate, somewhere you know etc.

The risk is you might feel a bit awkward, fine but not a reason to cancel.

He isn't more likely to be a rapist because you sexted.

@Harriedharriet 👏👏👏👏👏

Yes, its fun and no there should be no expectations from anyone about what happens next. Keep your boundaries at all times

OMG no. Not because I'm prudish or anything but what if when you meet up with him he's creepy or weird or the total opposite of what you are expecting?! Also, he WILL expect sex now because you've rushed into it so quickly. Not a problem if thats what you want but its kinda hard to move things along super quickly and then suddenly dial it back. If you want a lasting relationship I would suggest you'd achieve that aim much quicker by taking things slower and making sure you know and trust the person before getting into anything sexual.

He was probably just using you for phone sex - I wouldn't be surprised if he cancelled any way.

If he doesn't I'd imagine it will be really really awkward. If you think he's a slob or you just don't fancy him then that will be quite icky.

I think you need to pause and ask yourself about who you want to be and how you want to behave as a single woman. Otherwise you could be badly used or manipulated by men who aren't really serious about relationships.

You didn't really need to ask did you? Look after yourself more. And give yourself time to find someone worth having.

This could have been me a few years ago OP. You’ve been in a marriage for years and not only are you probably really horny now but you have no experience of dating. I wouldn’t be too embarrassed - go on the date and set out your boundaries by not sleeping with him. Make light of the phone sex and tell him you were a bit pent up! If he’s a dick and just wants sex now you can either go scratch your itch with him or refuse. I love sex so find it hard to wait when dating. I did it with my current BF on the first date & we are together 3 years later. Generally though you should wait to scope the man out and have a few dates before doing the deed. Don’t worry! Go on
the date but be firm about saying no - if you want to that is!!

Expecting is not getting. OP has choice. OP can be straight - "I enjoyed it but am looking for serious" is a simple enough sentence!
To flee because of fear of what he may think.....?
This could be a great moment of personal growth for you OP. To state clearly what you desire. Why be afraid? You did nothing wrong.

Always look on the bright side of life, eh @Bouledeneige

Sexting someone you haven’t met was never going to be good especially when you say you want more than a hook up.

How about being honest with him, say you got carried away and that a casual hook up is not what you want. Tell him you’d like to reset any expectations sexting has set and no hard feelings if he does want a hook up but he would be wasting his time if he did.

Treat this as a learning experience, no one was hurt and you’ve learned a valuable lesson.

You should go and meet him. You may see him and think "dear christ, what the hell was I thinking?!!" or think "phwoar, let's make this a reality".

Fortune favours the brave..

I did this too, soon after I separated, and was faced with a fucking midget, I scalded my mouth drinking the coffee so quickly that I could run for the hills screaming 🤣

@AgentJohnson -that’s exactly what OP hS done- RTT!

Dont be hard on yourself, i think lots of us go through similar and do some things they regret after comin out of a long relationship and feeling lost. (I know i did) i didnt overthink it and while i wouldnt do it again i put it down to the "healing, finding myself again journey".
Its true that guy is probably going to be expecting sex, but you can still go and if youre not feeling it, get up and leave. You dont owe him anything and you can make him disapear from ur life whenever u want. On the other hand.. who knows? You may hit it off. I think op, u live and u learn. And theres plenty fish in the sea and you'll find urs regardless.

Hey, don't feel bad about sex, there's no shame there and it doesn't bring any expectation with it, it's up to you when and where you fancy someone enough. Just meet somewhere public and safe.

Out of curiousity have you Skyped him op? Seen his face? I'm just hoping he is who he says he is. So many folks lie say they are younger, slimmer, more hair whatever than they are in reality.