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Original poster

McRelationship mindfuckery, or is this just dating nowadays?

93 replies

Sockypuppet · 15/12/2019 08:22

In a relationship of several months with guy. Really good connection, he's looking for a serious relationship too. Loads in common, really feeling positive.

Except--this kind of thing has happened for the last four weekends. I don't know what to call it. Cluelessness? Manipulation?
Different details but essentially the same thing as last night:

Thurs night he has dinner at mine and says, "Let's go away this weekend. What are you doing?"

I say I have my work do on Sat night but he's welcome to come. Something about the way he says "yeah" makes me think he's not interested.

Sure enough he calls on Saturday saying he's been invited to his friend's house for friend's son's birthday but asks when my works do is finished. I say 8 and he says, great I'll pick you up at venue and we'll get dessert or coffee afterwards.

We also make plans to spend all of Sunday together, maybe go out of town or at least go to the park.

So I'm at my works do and every so often he'll send a video of him with his friend's little son. It gets to be 8, I say I'm here waiting, he just says he's still at friend's house. I go home.

He texts me early this morning and says he wants to clean his flat today and would I like to come and keep him company.

I haven't responded and I'm thinking to just ghost him honestly.

Is this dating nowadays?

OP posts:
afterme · 15/12/2019 08:26

Eh? No that’s not normal and I’m sure you don’t want to watch him clean his flat on your day off.

I don’t think it’s cluelessness or manipulation, more can’t be arsedness. He wants it his way.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 15/12/2019 08:29

He’s not making much effort, is he?

TheReef · 15/12/2019 08:31

Did that and no it's not normal

OceanSunFish · 15/12/2019 08:33

If this happened once - fine. Four weekends in a row?! Not fine at all!

I think he's just not that interested, sorry OP.

Glitterygracie · 15/12/2019 08:38

Sorry op, I think you're the back up plan girlfriend..... nice to have around just in case something better doesn't come up. I'd go and be somebody's first choice, you're worth it.

DrMorbius · 15/12/2019 08:48

Perhaps his plan to meet you after your party, was for a shag, but in the end couldn't be arsed.
Same plan with the invite to his house.

GemmeFatale · 15/12/2019 08:49

I think he wants a cleaner

Original poster
Sockypuppet · 15/12/2019 08:51

Thank you I just really needed to hear this.

We were friends for many years before dating. When I became single again he rocked up and said he's had feelings about me for years.

So many praises and some moments that really felt like love.

And now this? I mean, why bother?

I was thinking to tell him how disrespected I felt but honestly I think it's best to just not dignify his behaviour with a response.

OP posts:
InTheBleakMidwinterIWouldSing · 15/12/2019 08:53

If one of my best friends asked me to come and watch her clean her house I might to it.

A romantic interest? Get fucked!

Katlia · 15/12/2019 08:54

Only if you allow it to be. He's not really dating you. Home dates and inviting you over are not really dates. Too easy for him. I'm a dating coach and my ladies see their men once per week for dinner in the first month and then gradually increase the time spent but never just 'go over' there needs to be a date activity first. I make the men work hard. Most of them have engagement rings fairly swiftly as the men can't figure out another way of seeing them more regularly. I realise my opinion will seem very strict but it generally saves people a lot of heartache and disappointment and most of my girls come to me because they want to cut through the crap and find a life partner.

InTheBleakMidwinterIWouldSing · 15/12/2019 08:54

I was thinking to tell him how disrespected I felt but honestly I think it's best to just not dignify his behaviour with a response.

I agree. I mean it’s not a tempting offer.

Original poster
Sockypuppet · 15/12/2019 08:54

Yeah that's not even a back-up plan girlfriend, that's just a... cleaner.

Full disclosure: I brought some food over and cleaned his kitchen when he was in bed with bronchitis about three weeks ago. Just because that's the kind of thing my friends and I do for each other. Guess he was really impressed!

Please keep the outraged responses coming, I am really needing the strength not to make excuses for him.

OP posts:
OceanSunFish · 15/12/2019 08:55

Maybe he's the kind of guy who's into the chase and then gets bored?

Loopytiles · 15/12/2019 08:56

Sounds like he’s not that into you. He’s prioritising his stuff.

Even his suggestion of going away for a weekend, from the next day, sounds insincere: if he actually wanted to go away with you he’d have organised it properly, well in advance.

Four weekends in a row of crap like that is a lot to put up with!

Ghosting is uncalled for though, if you decide to end the relationship just tell him.

KatherineJaneway · 15/12/2019 09:00

It gets to be 8, I say I'm here waiting, he just says he's still at friend's house. I go home.

Did you not ask him why he wasn't coming to meet you?

OceanSunFish · 15/12/2019 09:00

Imagine his response if you told him you were cleaning your flat and he was welcome to come over. He'd be there like a shot!

Lampan · 15/12/2019 09:02

Another one to say don’t ghost, tell him you have had enough. Ghosting puts you at fault.
I would just message him and tell him it’s not working for you anymore. If he works out that you have ended it due to his recent lack of effort, then that’s good.

category12 · 15/12/2019 09:02

Sounds like he wants a cleaner.

TheClausSeason · 15/12/2019 09:07

I'd tell him what the issue is, personally. Otherwise how will he ever learn that he's doing it wrong? I think ghosting is rather cruel tbh- it's better to give someone an explanation, particularly if you've been friends for a long while.

MadamBatty · 15/12/2019 09:08

Tell him you’re not really feeling it & best of luck. Don’t be ‘friends’. Cut him off.

Feck that come & watch him clean? Does he really think you have nothing better to do?

I really wouldn’t be arsed with a man like this. I did in the past. You don’t get your tone over.

Katlia · 15/12/2019 09:13

Lol she's not his mummy, she doesn't need to teach him anything. Men know exactly what they're doing and they act like this because a) they're not interested in you and don't care if you kick off b) think they can get away with it

TheClausSeason · 15/12/2019 09:28

Lol she's not his mummy, she doesn't need to teach him anything.

She's his friend though. Presumably that means something? If my friend was striking out because of something easy-fix like this, I'd tell them.

Men know exactly what they're doing

Bollocks. People don't all have the same frame of reference for what's normal at each stage of a relationship. Does the presence of a penis somehow confer understanding of what OP personally expects in a romantic relationship? No, of course not. Also, not all women are the same- my sister prefers to chill out at home on dates, for instance. She's not abnormal in that and if the guy has dated people like her in the past he may have come to expect that as normal. If you don't like it, say that- you shouldn't expect anyone to be a mind-reader.

MrsAJ27 · 15/12/2019 09:30

I would text him 'Are you taking the piss?'

Original poster
Sockypuppet · 15/12/2019 09:35

Well to your point, we had a row a few weeks back where I objected to a "booty call" and he pretended to be confused about why I would take it so personally just because his plans changed.

I said, "You have three sisters and you're telling me you have no idea why a woman would be upset to her guy cancelling a date and then rocking up later?"

That's why I'm thinking of just letting his last text hang there and block him.

OP posts:
Katlia · 15/12/2019 09:37

@TheClausSeason I respectfully disagree with you. Also your sister may like home dates and that's fine but it's not a great way of finding a man to treat you nicely if that's what you want. Most of my ladies come to me because they're fed up of ill treatment and lack of romance. They're looking for traditional courtship, romance, a bit of spoiling and a husband at the end of it. Not everyone is interested in those things and that's fine but the op was asking if this is 'dating now?' I was offering my insight as somebody who coaches lots of women through their dating journeys

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