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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

McRelationship mindfuckery, or is this just dating nowadays?

93 replies

Sockypuppet · 15/12/2019 08:22

In a relationship of several months with guy. Really good connection, he's looking for a serious relationship too. Loads in common, really feeling positive.

Except--this kind of thing has happened for the last four weekends. I don't know what to call it. Cluelessness? Manipulation?
Different details but essentially the same thing as last night:

Thurs night he has dinner at mine and says, "Let's go away this weekend. What are you doing?"

I say I have my work do on Sat night but he's welcome to come. Something about the way he says "yeah" makes me think he's not interested.

Sure enough he calls on Saturday saying he's been invited to his friend's house for friend's son's birthday but asks when my works do is finished. I say 8 and he says, great I'll pick you up at venue and we'll get dessert or coffee afterwards.

We also make plans to spend all of Sunday together, maybe go out of town or at least go to the park.

So I'm at my works do and every so often he'll send a video of him with his friend's little son. It gets to be 8, I say I'm here waiting, he just says he's still at friend's house. I go home.

He texts me early this morning and says he wants to clean his flat today and would I like to come and keep him company.

I haven't responded and I'm thinking to just ghost him honestly.

Is this dating nowadays?

OP posts:

Patroclus · 15/12/2019 17:56

I did wonder who this other friend might be.

MayFayner · 15/12/2019 18:12

Considering he asked you to go away for the weekend, the 8yo party wasn’t actually a priority. So he’s just doing a power play thing with you as a reaction to you not being free to go away.

He’s not a nice person, I’d just lightly dump him but I wouldn’t bother explaining myself too much as he’s the type to try to make you feel you’re a bit of a psycho for expecting anything in the first place.

Bogrod · 15/12/2019 18:22

What a waste of space he is.

TrinketsPearls · 15/12/2019 18:27

I agree. The children's party excuse sending you a video of him being Mr Nice Guy possibly to confuse you. Not a nice person.

SausageSimon · 15/12/2019 18:34

Sadly they never change, as I'm sure you've already realised OP.

I've stopped giving second chances to men at all, because I never treat them badly enough to ask for a second chance so why do they deserve one?

Dominoz · 15/12/2019 19:09

Well done OP for ignoring and not going round. It's so good you posted here and didn't text him. You have a niggling feeling something isn't right maybe just go with that for now. It's so rubbish how so many people play games. Hope you had a lovely day

JoanBonJovi · 15/12/2019 19:35

@Sockypuppet I’m desperate to know what he replied. Come baaaack

OceanSunFish · 15/12/2019 20:19

Yes what happened OP?

waterrat · 15/12/2019 21:29

Good for you OP - I wish I had behaved like that many times in the past

I think ghosting is really unhealthy for both parties - it's improtant to be mature and honest and tell people why we are ending a relationship - for our own sakes. I also think ghosting is just fairly vile.

I think you did absolutely the right thing leaving your phone at home though - so important to walk away from it sometimes.

Honeyroar · 15/12/2019 22:04

Hope you’ve had a nice day. He, and the lack of effort and care he puts into the relationship is not enough. You’ve discussed it, shown him it upsets you, yet he doesn’t change his behaviour... Next!

MsPepperPotts · 15/12/2019 22:39

His behaviour is typical of someone lacking in emotional intelligence
basically he's a dick who has absolute zero respect for you.
Dump him.
You deserve much better that this OP

Middersweekly · 16/12/2019 09:58

I can’t believe he didn’t even apologise for not turning up after your works do to collect you as arranged! Then to cheekily ask if you wanted to keep him company whilst he cleans?! He’s got some front! Glad you told him to get lost OP. No woman would stand for that horseshite! I hope you enjoyed your day!

Original poster

Sockypuppet · 16/12/2019 17:35

Aw, what nice responses!

You wanted an update: though I was tempted to ghost, I ended up talking to him. I'd calmed down enough to just say, "Look if you want to just go back to being friends you can just say so. You don't have to orchestrate situations like that to make a statement."

He said he was going through some stuff and I said I'd always be his friend.

I thought I would feel sadder but it's actually nice to be free of the nonsense.

OP posts:

category12 · 16/12/2019 17:50

How very adult, kudos - well done OP .

Sic99 · 16/12/2019 18:39

Yay, good for you!

TheClausSeason · 16/12/2019 18:54

Well done, OP. Note you can draw a line under it knowing that you did the mature thing.

TheClausSeason · 16/12/2019 18:54

*now, not note!

TrinketsPearls · 16/12/2019 19:10

I’m glad a resolution OP. All sounds mature goodbye to all the nonsense.

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