Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

McRelationship mindfuckery, or is this just dating nowadays?

93 replies

Sockypuppet · 15/12/2019 08:22

In a relationship of several months with guy. Really good connection, he's looking for a serious relationship too. Loads in common, really feeling positive.

Except--this kind of thing has happened for the last four weekends. I don't know what to call it. Cluelessness? Manipulation?
Different details but essentially the same thing as last night:

Thurs night he has dinner at mine and says, "Let's go away this weekend. What are you doing?"

I say I have my work do on Sat night but he's welcome to come. Something about the way he says "yeah" makes me think he's not interested.

Sure enough he calls on Saturday saying he's been invited to his friend's house for friend's son's birthday but asks when my works do is finished. I say 8 and he says, great I'll pick you up at venue and we'll get dessert or coffee afterwards.

We also make plans to spend all of Sunday together, maybe go out of town or at least go to the park.

So I'm at my works do and every so often he'll send a video of him with his friend's little son. It gets to be 8, I say I'm here waiting, he just says he's still at friend's house. I go home.

He texts me early this morning and says he wants to clean his flat today and would I like to come and keep him company.

I haven't responded and I'm thinking to just ghost him honestly.

Is this dating nowadays?

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 15/12/2019 10:17

You need to be first choice, not an option. I like the approach made by Katlia.

jewel1968 · 15/12/2019 10:18

Any chance the fact you were friends for years is shaping the relationship? Perhaps he still sees you more as a friend?

TheClausSeason · 15/12/2019 10:19

He hasn't given much consideration for his manners, or leaving her hanging though has he?

Nope, but two wrongs don't make a right. Take the high road, be a better person. What does it cost, really? A text? Twenty seconds of your time?

Savingshoes · 15/12/2019 10:19

I was thinking to tell him how disrespected I felt but honestly I think it's best to just not dignify his behaviour with a response...

... I said, "You have three sisters and you're telling me you have no idea why a woman would be upset to her guy cancelling a date and then rocking up later?"

You already have explained how disrespected you felt before.

I wouldn't repeat myself unless he's hard of hearing.

Savingshoes · 15/12/2019 10:24

"We've been here before so I'm not going to insult your intelligence by repeating myself. It's been nice but we're better off as mates it seems. See you around."
Then move on.

category12 · 15/12/2019 10:26

I like Savingshoes' text. ^

Porpoises · 15/12/2019 10:28

Can't believe how many people advocate ghosting. Just break up with him in the normal way.

WYP2018 · 15/12/2019 10:28

Ooh savingshoes has got it just right, I think. You’re worth far more than this nonsense OP.

Feelingabitashamed · 15/12/2019 10:31

Yep another one for Savingshoes 's response.

OmniversalsTapdancingTadpole · 15/12/2019 10:33

Dump and block.

He has no respect for you.

bottlenose301 · 15/12/2019 10:33

Yeah if he's done similar before then it's not respectful and he sounds like a twat

JumpyLiz · 15/12/2019 10:36

To me, ghosting is when one party goes off the radar with no explanation, often leaving the other person confused as to what the issue is or what might have gone wrong.

Refusing to engage when someone repeats behaviour that you've previously told them you find upsetting and disrespectful is not ghosting them imo.

rp30 · 15/12/2019 10:41

You could just say no thanks and then if he asks why, say it is lame and half arsed and why would you want to go and clean, unless he needs a favour?

Then if he messages about somethign else in the future you can see if he is making more of an effort or is still weak.

Maybe by declining today the relationship will frizzle out anyway.

LittleWing80 · 15/12/2019 10:49

Refusing to engage when someone repeats behaviour that you've previously told them you find upsetting and disrespectful is not ghosting them imo.

👆🏻 This exactly. He has been treating you repeatedly as a booty call. You have told him and he is has been ignoring you. Block him. This is not ghosting. Offering anymore explanation in my opinion would eventually make you sound desperate and clinging to the hope he will change. @Katlia has given you good advice in my opinion.

He is not treating you right. You deserve better 💐

Original poster
Sockypuppet · 15/12/2019 11:11

I've texted him that he can ask X friend (the one whose kid's party he went to last night) to come watch him clean.

I'm going off to enjoy my day now. Think I'll leave my phone at home. Need a digital detox anyway.

Thanks for the responses.

OP posts:
afterme · 15/12/2019 11:26

Good response!

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 15/12/2019 11:42

You've definitely done the right thing.

'I'm still at my friends house', is showing he is letting you down at the last minute and actually doesnt care - there was no real reason for it and no apology.

A previous poster said 'its acceptable if it happened once but...' however I don't even think this is acceptable ever. The only acceptable reason for letting a date or a friend down at the last minute is illness or unforeseen circumstances like your car breaking down or a family emergency. Not just because he hasn't got round to it.

RockingAroundTheXMasTree · 15/12/2019 11:46

Good for you! Enjoy your day @Sockypuppet! Flowers

OrlandoInTheWilderness · 15/12/2019 12:12

Yes he is a twat and you need to dump his ass. But don't ghost him, that is just plain bad manners and tbh says far more about you than him.

MrsSpenserGregson · 15/12/2019 12:20

Of course you can ghost him. It is not bad manners to ghost someone who has behaved disrespectfully towards you multiple times! Otherwise where do you draw the line? @Sockypuppet's text was perfect.

bigchris · 15/12/2019 13:01

Great response Smile

BooseysMom · 15/12/2019 13:12

@Sockypuppet.. Nice one! I wish i'd had the self confidence to do the same to a tosser of a guy i went out with years ago..everything was on his terms and i felt used. Eventually i re-discovered my self-respect and ditched him.

TrinketsPearls · 15/12/2019 17:07

Great response OP.

I think it’s weird him sending you video of himself at a kids party. Is he 6 and your his mum? Or perhaps this is modern life too? Send him a video of you tidying your cutlery drawer? Or film the next time you meet a friend for coffee? But never actually see him or meet up with him again. 😀

bigchris · 15/12/2019 17:08

Hope you've had a good day!

bigchris · 15/12/2019 17:08

I bet you've come back to loads of messages from him Wink