McRelationship mindfuckery, or is this just dating nowadays?

[Sockypuppet]

In a relationship of several months with guy. Really good connection, he's looking for a serious relationship too. Loads in common, really feeling positive.

Except--this kind of thing has happened for the last four weekends. I don't know what to call it. Cluelessness? Manipulation?
Different details but essentially the same thing as last night:

Thurs night he has dinner at mine and says, "Let's go away this weekend. What are you doing?"

I say I have my work do on Sat night but he's welcome to come. Something about the way he says "yeah" makes me think he's not interested.

Sure enough he calls on Saturday saying he's been invited to his friend's house for friend's son's birthday but asks when my works do is finished. I say 8 and he says, great I'll pick you up at venue and we'll get dessert or coffee afterwards.

We also make plans to spend all of Sunday together, maybe go out of town or at least go to the park.

So I'm at my works do and every so often he'll send a video of him with his friend's little son. It gets to be 8, I say I'm here waiting, he just says he's still at friend's house. I go home.

He texts me early this morning and says he wants to clean his flat today and would I like to come and keep him company.

I haven't responded and I'm thinking to just ghost him honestly.

Is this dating nowadays?

No, this isn't entirely dating nowadays. Cleaning is not a date

Well, up to you, OP. Buy I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt, so would have a conversation in a public place, tell him it's not working for you and why and then end it. Closure is important for people to move on. He may genuinely have been confused about why you'd be upset if he changed his plans. Then again, he might be a fuckwit. Either way, you should end it, but personally, I'd take the high road rather than stooping to ghosting.

@Sockypuppet your instincts are correct. He will treat your life like a revolving door as long as you let him. When things are unsalvageable and a man treats you badly, ghosting is fine imo or you can say 'sorry I'm no longer available' and block him

@Katlia I never said that was normal for dating now, what I said was that he's not necessarily doing it to be disrespectful and may simply not realise what she expects of him. And that you can't presume that all men have the same frame of reference for 'normal'.

I quite like home dates. I actually prefer them to big extravagant things.

"Come over and help me clean" is not a home date.

So when he didn’t arrive at your work do to pick you up and take you away, you didn’t say mate I’m standing here where are you

Op. Don’t do home dates. Certainly not at the start. You’ve got a lifetime of home dates to enjoy.

Since you've already had the conversation (that some posters are saying you should have), I would absolutely cut him off.

He's being disrespectful and he knows it. He's just seeing how desperate you are. I'd walk.

He sounds a bit controlling Op. no thought for you just his way or the highway. He wants his needs met but doesn’t want to consider anyone else’s needs. Is that the sort of person you want to be with?

First thing was that he stood you up last night. He was at an 8 year old's party so hardly something he couldn't get out of. Then he has the cheek to invite you to watch him clean. I wouldn't even do that to a friend! This man is not at all into you and isn't making the barest of efforts. Tell him to fuck off, you've got much better offers.

Giving men 'the benefit of the doubt' is a highly dangerous pastime. Women spend years of their lives doing this and it never ends well.
The problem with 'home dates' is that you're not allowing men to invest in you. Men don't value things they've not had to work hard for. They lead to intimacy too soon and are generally cheap and easy for men do you get lots of men that will hang around even when they don't really like you

I was at my work do enjoying a last coffee with the other stragglers at 8ish when I texted him and he responded to say he was at his friends' place still.

Honestly? I had a very strong feeling he was waiting for me to say, "But you said you'd come at 8? Why even offer? If plans changed couldn't you tell me before?"

Because those are all things Ive said before.

Last time we fought about I even cried and said how lonely it was to look forward to a date, and refuse other invitations, just to end up sitting at home with food going cold.

So yeah that's why last night I didn't bother responding and I just went home.

He wants you to keep him company while he's cleaning so he can have sex with you without making any effort and then get some free help with the cleaning after. I fell for that line once and that's what happened!

He sounds a dolt and extremely selfish. Leaving you to make other arrangements to get home was very shitty indeed.

I would square this away with a text message to say things aren't working. He will know why. He doesn't seem oblivious, just uncaring.

The problem with just ignoring him is that i feel he is playing the tosser so you lose expectations of a proper relationship but he will be back at some point asking you to watch him mow the lawn or whatever when he wants the company. This way, you have made clear that his behaviour is not good enough and you are not interested in an occasional hook up.

If you've told him before then fair enough. But I would still let him know it was over properly, even if just a, 'This isn't working for me, I think we should end it here,' message before you block.

Men don't value things they've not had to work hard for. They lead to intimacy too soon and are generally cheap and easy for men do you get lots of men that will hang around even when they don't really like you

This sounds like an excerpt from Bridget Jones and a load of pseudoscience, quite frankly. Unless you've access to the research that backs it up? And engagements don't equate with happy ever after. If you've made yourself out to be someone who wants to be out on the town, dressed up to the nines and the guy has gone for you because that's who he thinks you are, who does that benefit? You either keep up the charade indefinitely or eventually disappoint. Doesn't sound like a route to happiness to me, though it's fine if that's who you are naturally. I don't think games are the way to go, personally, even though the business you've made from selling this strategy to desparate women is clearly very successful for you.

You’re in the fun early stages of a relationship - you shouldn’t be crying or arguing. This is not worth your time op.

He knows what he's doing. He just doesn't give a shit and is seeing how much you will take. When you end it he will claim to change and be remorseful. Nothing will change.

I think you are right to ghost. You owe him nothing, just as he clearly feels he owes you nothing.

@TheClausSeason ok hun

Ah so you haven't responded since he said he was still at his friends? And his way of making amends is to invite you to come watch him clean his house?

Yeah I'd just not bother responding too.

@Katlia 👍

Not convinced you owe him "closure".

@ohwheniknow

Not owe, no, but it's good manners and a lot nicer than just leaving someone hanging.

www.psycom.net/what-is-ghosting

He hasn't given much consideration for his manners, or leaving her hanging though has he?

Do you love him?

What is it about him that you like? Is there a background, like you are keen for love, unconfident dating, coming of a bad relationship etc?

After thinking through the situation I think you need to be sure of what you want and act decisively today.

Ghosting is a blemish on you. From what you say, you have acted with respect and decency, ghosting would lower yourself. By finishing it properly, or seeking to resolve your issues and continue, you leave yourself in a better position for this or furture relationships.

It seems as if you are drawn to him but would rather you were not.