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Relationships

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Original poster

Dating a man 20 years younger.

120 replies

Heidi3333 · 13/12/2019 11:01

Hi there just looking for opinions.
I'm 44, single, have a 3 year old girl and work with a guy wjo is 24. We
Get on v well and I think he is gorgeous 😍 He's single too. A few of my colleagues think he likes me and he once told one of them he'd like to take me to the movies one night. He has also messaged me a few times asking if I'd like to go for drinks and I said I would but he never followed through on that. I'm not sure if he meant as works drinks or just me and him.

If he wasn't so young I'd have no reservations to date him but every time someone mentions how well we get on in front of us both
I laugh it off saying I'm old enough to be his mother! I think that perhaps that's what is putting him off pursuing anything?

He is leaving to work in another department soon and I'm really going to miss him.

Has anyone any experience of dating a man much younger? Can such an age gap ever truly work?

OP posts:

FruitcakeOfHate · 16/12/2019 18:26

Maybe the bitter ones on this thread are jealous because their looks have already faded

People always throw out this strawman tosh when they disagree with someone's stance. I'm happily married for 17 years and have 3 children. Never been much bothered about looks. I just find it grim to date someone with such a big age gap, no matter what the sexes involved are, it's cringe, IMO.

Overthinker1988 · 16/12/2019 18:41

OP I'm sorry but I think you're deluding yourself. This guy might have had a passing interest in you, maybe sex and a fling might have been on the cards...but it's very unlikely that a 24 year old will want to faff about with donor eggs and IVF, with a 44 year old woman, and be a stepdad to her toddler and introduce her to his parents, who will almost certainly be horrified.
He was probably embarrassed about people in your work noticing the flirtation and commenting on it, which is why he hasn't followed up on the drink offer. And he's now seeing someone closer to his own age, which is much healthier. There's a big difference between a 9 year and a 20 year gap.

Overthinker1988 · 16/12/2019 18:55

@FruitcakeOfHate I agree. I know it's consenting adults etc etc but it gives me the creeps in a visceral sort of way. I'm 31 and even now 24 year olds seem like kids.
As for looks, I know lots of people in their 40s who look good and take care of themselves, but you can still tell they're in their 40s, or late 30s at best. People are just being nice when they tell someone they look younger.

Missillusioned · 16/12/2019 19:13

A woman of 44 can still be a good looking woman that a young man would fancy. But she isn't going to look close in age to him.

Young men often fantasise about MILFs. Many of them have 'sleep with an older woman' on their sexual bucket list. Very few of them would embark on a serious relationship with a woman 20 years older.

I suspect he fancied a NSA shag with OP behind his girlfriend's back.

everythingisopposite · 16/12/2019 19:18

I knew someone who was in a long term relationship with a man much younger. I am not sure how much older she was, but when I first met her I genuinely assumed she was his mum. She was probably in her late 40's when they split up: she said the age difference had become an issue.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 16/12/2019 19:19

Christ! he casually asked OP out for drinks a few weeks ago but now it's all abut donor eggs and IVF

Katlia · 16/12/2019 19:28

If he never followed through he's not really interested in you. Interested men don't leave the woman of their dreams in the shop window. He could be breadcrumbimg you, thinking you might sleep with him at some point if the occasion arises. To answer your question I would not date 20 years younger. I'd rather be an old mans darling than a young man's fool. Ok for a bit of fun I guess as a one off but I wouldn't date that age

Katlia · 16/12/2019 19:30

If you said yes to a date, no amount of office gossip or an age gap would put him off if he liked you.

PurpleCrowbar · 16/12/2019 19:40

It's a heck of a leap from 'this attractive young thing at work is hitting on me, we're both single'

(Great, enjoy! Don't expect much long term)

...to ivf & donor eggs when you've never actually so much as well, got to grips. & also, he now has a gf.

(It didn't happen & now it won't. Also, it would've turned into a nightmare - he was flirting, you were thinking about babies - no way it could have ended well).

Drop this one, he's moved on. Office flirtation which was inconclusive & fun whilst it lasted. Enjoy the ego boost & leave it there!

Original poster

Heidi3333 · 16/12/2019 21:12

Lol I wasn't thinking of having babies with him. I was merely responding to the suggestion that dating someone so young was depriving them of a chance to be a father. I was talking in general terms, not specific to him and I. And for the record I wouldn't want to have kids with him anyway, he still too wild and into partying and drinking. i don't think he's Daddy material! Yes I am considering having another child the same way I had my daughter (ivf and a sperm donor) so she can have a sibling but I'd eater just do that myself.

I was only considering going for drinks with the guy,

OP posts:

Original poster

Heidi3333 · 16/12/2019 21:12

not settle down and marry him! Lol

OP posts:

HotSince82 · 17/12/2019 00:47

Honestly OP, I think its quite normal to have a preference for younger men, as in 5-10 years younger. You are still within the same generation and the age gap would be worth nothing more than a cursory glance, if that.
I speak as somebody with an 7.5 year age gap between me and DH (I'm older).
Twenty years is a bit much if you're considering a relationship not just sex, whether the man is older or the woman. The power differential, different life stages, cultural points of reference etc...
Why do it to yourself if you don't have to?
I had a boyfriend who was 17/18 years my senior, when he met my mum and they started a conversation, quite naturally given that my mum was eight years his senior, reminiscing about the seventies/early eighties I woke up and dumped him sharpish...
Don't be a surrogate mother figure, its just odd. And you sound lovely, you can do better.

Bluerussian · 17/12/2019 01:23

If you have a 'secret' relationship - which nobody else knows about - you both know that it doesn't have longevity but there is mutual respect as well as strong physical attraction, I suppose it's OK. At least as long as no one gets hurt. The problem is you could fall in love with him - equally he could fall in love with you though I doubt it would last - both are potentially hurtful.

Weight everything up carefully. There are people happy with big age gaps, they say, "Age is just a number", and all that, also that no one would bat an eyelid (or not too much), if it was the man who was older. I'm not so sure about that. I knew somebody who married a woman fourteen-fifteen years older than him, she was stunning, divorced with two children who liked him very much. Some years later he had an affair with her daughter in law who was 24! He said he was unhappy because he wanted children of his own and his wife couldn't give him that. What kind of a kick in the teeth was that?

I've heard of other stories too, equally devastating.

Be careful that you keep hold of the upper hand, op, have some boundaries and don't let your little child know anything. If you think you can enjoy a relationship with this young man just for what it is in the here and now, no harm done but you could be extremely vulnerable. It would be better to find someone nearer your own age.

We're jumping the gun a bit though; the guy likes you by all accounts but doesn't appear to have suggested anything so far and he may not. It's not at all unusual for young men to have a thing about a good looking woman who is older and (so I've been told), they gain respect if they achieve a good relationship with such a woman but I suppose that entails talking about it which wouldn't be good.

Just be careful. I haven't read all the thread but others may have talked from a more moral angle or they may not, I don't do moralising because when someone is in the grip of a strong attraction that doesn't work.

KarenSmith123 · 17/12/2019 06:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

Heidi3333 · 17/12/2019 13:26

Thanks for all the replies.

Sadly he's got a girlfriend now so no need to worrying about dating him anymore.

Probably would have been an interesting experience! But not to be.

OP posts:

Bluerussian · 17/12/2019 18:57

Ah well, tomorrow is another day.
Hope you meet a decent bloke sooner rather than later.

Original poster

Heidi3333 · 18/12/2019 09:31

Thank you bluerussian.

OP posts:

Original poster

Heidi3333 · 23/12/2019 17:13

So the man in question is now v loved up with his new GF and they seem serious about each other. It hurts to hear him taking about her but I know it's for the best. We would never have worked but it still doesn't stop it hurting 🙁

OP posts:

Waxonwaxoff0 · 23/12/2019 17:21

How long have they been together? Sounds way too intense too quickly to me.

Sorry OP. There are other fish in the sea

Emsj77 · 22/12/2023 03:28

You only live once...never miss out on a chance of happiness...it's about you and him..no one else...I walked away from someone because of the prejudice of other people...I've never had and felt that love he gave me again from anyone. It's about 2 people not age x

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