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Original poster

Dating a man 20 years younger.

120 replies

Heidi3333 · 13/12/2019 11:01

Hi there just looking for opinions.
I'm 44, single, have a 3 year old girl and work with a guy wjo is 24. We
Get on v well and I think he is gorgeous 😍 He's single too. A few of my colleagues think he likes me and he once told one of them he'd like to take me to the movies one night. He has also messaged me a few times asking if I'd like to go for drinks and I said I would but he never followed through on that. I'm not sure if he meant as works drinks or just me and him.

If he wasn't so young I'd have no reservations to date him but every time someone mentions how well we get on in front of us both
I laugh it off saying I'm old enough to be his mother! I think that perhaps that's what is putting him off pursuing anything?

He is leaving to work in another department soon and I'm really going to miss him.

Has anyone any experience of dating a man much younger? Can such an age gap ever truly work?

OP posts:
Original poster
Heidi3333 · 14/12/2019 16:36

I don't think he would be bothered by the age gap. A mutual friend asked him if he was interested in me - he replied he wasn't sure as thought I was too quiet (he's still pretty wild); I was surprised he didn't mention my age.
I DO have feelings for him. I look forward to seeing him at work, miss him when he's off, get jealous when he talks about other girls . So yeah I have to tread carefully. That's if anything ever were to happen...

OP posts:
Missillusioned · 14/12/2019 16:37

I'm not convinced the older woman / younger man thing has the same dynamic as when the sexes are reversed.

Men in their 20s have a very pragmatic attitude to sex and won't usually want a relationship. The woman is more likely to get hurt than the man. This man is mid 20s not a teenager. He isn't going to be taken advantage of.

Relationships are more common in the younger woman/ older man. This is where the younger party is in danger of getting tied down with a man who will stunt her development. Young men won't usually let that happen to them.

FruitcakeOfHate · 14/12/2019 16:39

Sorry, OP, but this sounds really rank. You're too old for him. Lay off.

And yes, I'd say the same if the sexes were reversed.

Missillusioned · 14/12/2019 16:40

After your latest update, I'd be wary. I have a FWB 20 years younger. I do not entertain any romantic feelings about him. I do not see him day to day or think about him in a couple type of way. He is open about not wanting a relationship with me. If I were to develop feelings I would get hurt, so I take care not to.

GladAllOver · 14/12/2019 16:47

Can't see a problem.
If you both want to go out for a drink, fine. If you both want to go home for a shag, fine.
No one's business but yours.
Just be prepared for an end if he doesn't want a LTR.

RhinoskinhaveI · 14/12/2019 17:57

Young men won't usually let that happen to them
it's not that I'm exactly disagreeing with you but... an older woman with predatory traits would select a young man who is vulnerable and easy to manipulate (as would an older man with these traits were he looking for a biddable young woman)

seems we tend to see an older man as inherently predatory but feel that it would be unusual for a women to be predatory even when there is a power imbalance?

Interestedwoman · 14/12/2019 18:13

I think he's interested, as he said to others he'd like to take you to see a film, and he's kind of asked you out for drinks. You could message him and ask him when he fancies having a drink.

I had a couple of hookups with a younger guy. One think I will say is you will have to really be firm about condoms if that's important to you when you're with someone new. Their generation have never really worried about AIDS, so they don't tend to use them. Also, chlamydia is very widespread in that age group, so that's another reason to use them.

Have fun!

PlasticPatty · 14/12/2019 18:16

Do it.

666onmyhead · 14/12/2019 18:16

I have a friend who's in her fifties and she's married a chap in his 30's. They are very happy and so in love it's really sweet to see. However she's told me that on a few occasions people have assumed she's his mum, and that, when it happens on a few occasions, can take the sparkle off somewhat .

HotSince82 · 14/12/2019 18:38

My DH is 29 and I'm almost 37 so I have nothing against younger men, I prefer them if anything.
However twenty years is a whole generation so if I were you I wouldn't expect a relationship to develop, probably just lots of sex, if you're lucky.
Having had sex with men both older and younger than me, I would personally choose younger every time, see where it goes OP, have some fun.

WolfOfOdin · 15/12/2019 03:11

I feel your pain OP, slightly different situation I'm 33 married with 2 kids but have developed a massive crush on a 21 year old who has flirted with me. If I was single I'd 100% go for it

LotteLupin · 15/12/2019 07:30

The info you have boils down to: there is a mutual attraction.

However, yes uncertain about relationship compatibility because he thinks you may be too quiet for him. That translates to me as you may not want to do what he wants to do - probably with regards to frequency and level of going out and partying?

I think this sounds most like an attraction where what's in offer is sex, for as long as that works.

You're 44. From now until when you're 50, younger men will look increasingly attractive. And they'll like you. It's your last drive/chance to procreate. It's a natural urge.

I don't think it's 'wrong' - you're both adults and tbh he's probably more resilient than you. But what is most likely is there will be great sex, then at some point, he will drop you, when he finds an appropriate younger woman. Because he's not ready yet to settle down. But he will be at some point.

Of course he may with you. But I think you should be aware going into anything this this is likely to be a shortish term boost for you.

I would probably go for it as it will do you good. But only if you can cope with the end.

LotteLupin · 15/12/2019 07:35

So I think what I mean is:

Age shouldn't be a consideration. The only warning here is you'll most likely get hurt at some point.

And incidentally, I understand about the younger guys. My partner is 9 years younger (together 14 years). And when I was mid 40s, 20-something guys loved me. I too felt omg why am I feeling this from them. But it's nice. It feels happy. It's a bonus from life.

TheStuffedPenguin · 15/12/2019 09:16

I DO have feelings for him. I look forward to seeing him at work, miss him when he's off, get jealous when he talks about other girls

This is only going to get worse and then he will leave and you are going to be miserable . It really is not worth the pain it will cause you .

Original poster
Heidi3333 · 15/12/2019 14:50

Thanks for all the replies. They have given me a lot to think about. I will keep you updated if anything develops x

OP posts:
FruitcakeOfHate · 15/12/2019 14:58

You're 44. From now until when you're 50, younger men will look increasingly attractive.

Not necessarily true for all. Some of us didn't. I've got a mate who's a bit younger and does, but admits she wouldn't be pleased if her 22-year-old daughter was with some guy 20 years older and find it kinda pervy and gross.

IdiotInDisguise · 15/12/2019 15:07

Sorry to be blunt, but don’t go there. In five years time you will be looking like his grandmother while he is still deciding if he wants to have kids or not.

I know 3 women who date/dated much younger boys than them. Every single time I have seen a guy interested in a much older woman is because they think she can provide easy sex on tap and be as caring as their mother.

It is always the same, the woman feels disappointed and upset after providing much support, opening the house to them and so many nights of hot sex when at some point the guy falls in love with someone his own age and start distancing himself.

Interestingly, the vast majority of the times the sex continues until the guy has a rock solid relationship with the younger woman or gets engaged.

All the women I know in this situation seemed to feel pride in attracting such young men. In reality, they had only been perceived as lonely women who would happily agree to sex in exchange of a bit of company.

ShadowOnTheSun · 15/12/2019 15:33

I wouldn't do it personally as it's not my thing, but I can't see any problem in others doing it, if both are consenting adults (which he is).

I have a male friend, he started seeing a much older woman a while ago. He was 26 at the time, and she was older than his mum, 47/48 or something like that. No one expected it to last, but they started seeing each other about 10 ears ago and are still going strong now. He seems to be really happy, they share lots of interests together and travel a lot together. She already has a son (older than her boyfriend, but who cares) and he doesn't want kids at all, so this works for them.

I'm in much older men (daddy issues, I suppose) and there's a large age gap between the man I'm seeing now and me. This also raise eyebrows and it probably doesn't help that he's rich (and I'm not). People don't believe me when I say I knew nothing about his finances for quite a while (I really didn't) and that I'm with him because I really like him, don't care about the money.

Live and let live, I'd say.

Original poster
Heidi3333 · 15/12/2019 16:14

Thanks Shadowonthesun it's good to hear a positive story. I think the chances of it working out are slim but it's nice to hear a happy ending 🙂

OP posts:
RhinoskinhaveI · 15/12/2019 17:42

my concern would be that the bloke see's me as 'low hanging fruit', easy to manipulate into no strings sex on his terms etc
not saying it cant work but if I was young and hot I'd want a fit young bloke, not an old man, surely the same goes for men?

Original poster
Heidi3333 · 15/12/2019 18:09

Rhinoskinhavel - maybe he thinks IM fit and hot?!

OP posts:
RhinoskinhaveI · 15/12/2019 18:46

I'm sure he does :o

Jiggles101 · 15/12/2019 22:54

IdiotinDisguise - you paint a very sorry and pathetic picture of these poor sad, lonely and deluded middle aged women pining after their ambivalent young studs.

I'm 11 years older than my boyfriend. In no way do I mother him, in fact he does most of the cooking and cleaning and is probably more of the 'parent' in the relationship than I am if anything.

He's bloody lucky to get to live with me and have sex with me, and he should know it!

Original poster
Heidi3333 · 16/12/2019 06:59

Jiggldsy- wish there was like buttons on mumsnet!

OP posts:
IdiotInDisguise · 16/12/2019 07:06

11 years older jiggles, not 20.