Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dating a man 20 years younger.

120 replies

Heidi3333 · 13/12/2019 11:01

Hi there just looking for opinions.
I'm 44, single, have a 3 year old girl and work with a guy wjo is 24. We
Get on v well and I think he is gorgeous 😍 He's single too. A few of my colleagues think he likes me and he once told one of them he'd like to take me to the movies one night. He has also messaged me a few times asking if I'd like to go for drinks and I said I would but he never followed through on that. I'm not sure if he meant as works drinks or just me and him.

If he wasn't so young I'd have no reservations to date him but every time someone mentions how well we get on in front of us both
I laugh it off saying I'm old enough to be his mother! I think that perhaps that's what is putting him off pursuing anything?

He is leaving to work in another department soon and I'm really going to miss him.

Has anyone any experience of dating a man much younger? Can such an age gap ever truly work?

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 16/12/2019 08:11

I married a guy 20 years younger. We had a great relationship for eight years, then he suddenly announced that he had changed and was going off to look for new people to sleep with.

Left me utterly distraught, but I really should have seen it coming. He used me to get confidence with people (he was convinced he'd become an outgoing, sociable person but he was really shy as hell and awkward, it was only me he was sociable with and others regarded him as 'a bit weird').

He got bored, basically. My life was settled and he decided he deserved something more adventurous. So, yeah. Be warned.

DartmoorChef · 16/12/2019 08:18

My dp of 6 years is 13 years younger than me. We got together when I was 45 and he was 32 and we have a fantastic relationship, but I do think 20 years is possibly too big a gap when the younger person is still early 20s. Go have fun with no expectations though. Grin

tiredgirl123 · 16/12/2019 09:41

@Zaphodsotherhead that's so mean! And unfortunately yes, happened to me too.. 17 years younger, couldn't interact socially, didn't even know how to eat properly, handsome and smart, 2 years later, he was like a Frankenstein, emotionally bullying fucker, they still need to develop and that development isnt always positive, I'd just shag him and leave it as that OP

RhinoskinhaveI · 16/12/2019 10:42

hot young toy boy is really just using you you to 'climb on', he wants you to socialise him and mother him as well as providing him with sex, and then as he grows more confident he dominates and abuses you
Not such a good deal really is it 😳

Original poster
Heidi3333 · 16/12/2019 11:17

Well he told me today that's he's seeing someone and it sounds quite serious as he's taking about moving city to be closer to her. I'm a bit gutted to be honest 😭 But it's probably for the best. We can still be friends.
Interestingly she's 9 years older tjan him. Maybe he has a thing for older women...
Next!

OP posts:
FruitcakeOfHate · 16/12/2019 12:27

The thing is, a 33-year-old is usually capable of having kids, a 44-year-old is not.

Honestly, examine why you feel the need to date someone young enough to be your son and thus remove any possibility of his procreating. Would you be happy with that for one of your children? I wouldn't myself.

People will come back and say 'Maybe he never wants kids' but the point is that they aren't an option when a man dates someone so much older than he (and personally, I think older men fathers aren't so great, either).

Missillusioned · 16/12/2019 12:34

To be fair, I think a lot of men aren't really interested in having children. Some men are, my ex was one of them, but lots of men just have them because their wife wanted them. If they hadn't been pushed they wouldn't bother

Missillusioned · 16/12/2019 12:35

And a 20 something man isn't thinking long term anyway

AlternativePerspective · 16/12/2019 12:50

Amazes me that if the roles were reversed then people would be saying there was a power imbalance and the older man was likely to be an abuser.

Now it’s the man who’s younger and people are saying he’s likely to be an abuser.... Confused.

Personally I think it’s grim and IMO would think you were going through some kind of mid-life crisis, the same as I would think if a 44 year old bloke started shagging his 24 year old colleague.

Also, as you have a three year old you should also be prepared for the fact that if you stayed together people wouldn’t only assume that you were his mother but that you were your daughter’s grandmother and he was the father....

I realise this is all academic now as he’s obviously not interested but I do think it’s food for thought

Missillusioned · 16/12/2019 12:57

I don't think he's any more likely to be an abuser than any other man, but in the society we live in the man does tend to hold more power in the relationship. He could spend years with an older woman and then re-enter the dating market at no disadvantage. Could have children 20 years from now. Would still be seen as a prospect by women in their 30s. Not the same as a young woman spending her fertile years with an older man.

So it's not the same dynamic as when the woman is younger. This is a man in his mid 20s not a child. He isn't vulnerable.

Original poster
Heidi3333 · 16/12/2019 13:20

Not every man wants kids! And actually I'd love another child so would consider having fertility treatment if he DID want a child,
even using donor eggs. And some men are happy being a step dad!

Also bit annoying that some of you think I'd be mistaken for his mother or the granny of my child!! I often told I look young for my age. Not all women in their 40's look old!

And no, I'm not having a midlife crisis! You can't help who you fall for. This has been something I've considered with him for the last year
as a few mutual colleagues kept commenting how we'd make a nice couple but I dismissed it as I figured it'd never work. It's only the last few weeks I've really considered it an option.

Anyhow - nothing is going to happen now he has a girlfriend. But this thread has been interesting to read. Thanks for the comments 🙂

OP posts:
Original poster
Heidi3333 · 16/12/2019 13:29

Also - he's the one asking me out for drinks not the other way round. I'm hardly a predator!

OP posts:
TheStuffedPenguin · 16/12/2019 14:26

and that shows what kind of person he is anyway if he already has a girlfriend...

FruitcakeOfHate · 16/12/2019 14:36

Oh, please, you can totally 'help' who you fall for! Some people 'fall for' teenagers, shall we let them because 'You can't help who you fall for'? If it's inappropriate you do the adult thing and cut off your feelings for that person. No, not all men want kids but plenty do and the point is that if you're already 44 the man doesn't get the option at all. It's effectively making the decision for someone. He has a girlfriend but asked you out for a drink which means people were right about him seeing you as low-hanging fruit.

Honestly, that's how it goes with young men and women as old as we are.

And yes, sorry, but everyone thinks they 'look young' but I've yet to meet someone who's 44 whom I'd mistake for being in his/her 20s or even early 30s.

Original poster
Heidi3333 · 16/12/2019 16:12

Fruitcake - I wouldn't be denying him kids if we used Ivf and donor eggs would we? That's an option nowadays.

And while falling for a teenager would be weird and inappropriate, falling for a grown man in his mid 20's certainly isn't!! Might be a bit unusual but certainly not illegal.

And of course, the only reason he's want to date me was bc I was easy and desperate. Nothing to do with is getting on really well and being emotionally close 🙄

OP posts:
Original poster
Heidi3333 · 16/12/2019 16:14

And he asked me for drinks a few weeks ago when he had just met this girl, before anything exclusive was established I imagine.

And I can't speak for you but I certainly have never been mistaken for my 3 years old granny. Some of us look quite decent for our age!

OP posts:
FruitcakeOfHate · 16/12/2019 16:15

It's sad, desperate and grasping to date someone so much younger. Cringe. Emotionally close, to a colleague and one who has a girlfriend, yeah, okay Hmm.

IVF with donor eggs still doesn't guarantee a child. It's not bulletproof.

FruitcakeOfHate · 16/12/2019 16:16

There's looking quite decent and fooling oneself.

AlternativePerspective · 16/12/2019 16:18

But you would be thought of as your DD’s granny if you were with a man who looks young enough to be your son. I’m 45 and people say I look young. No-one ever tells me I look too young to have a seventeen year old though, Grin young is very subjective. You might look young as a 45 year old but highly unlikely you’re going to look the same age bracket as a 24 year old.

Original poster
Heidi3333 · 16/12/2019 16:23

Fruitcake - having regular normal sex doesn't guarantee a child either!! I think you'll find conception rates would probably be much higher through ivf with donor eggs anyway.

What a delight you are.

OP posts:
FruitcakeOfHate · 16/12/2019 16:29

What a delight you are.

Why? Because I don't agree that it's a good idea to date someone young enough to be your child and find it cringe and pitiful? I think it's grim. I'm far from the only one on here who does.

I think plenty of us go through this stage at around 44-45 where you realise you're no longer young and your fertile days are finished. But it's far better and less painful to just own it rather than going out with someone young enough to be your own child.

Yes, IVF conception rates are better with donor eggs (no clinic will use a woman's 44-year-old eggs anyhow) but it's still no guarantee at all.

The reality is that for most of us at this age the baby ship has sailed. It can be hard to accept, but that doesn't make it any less true.

Of course, if you want to extend your family you can always do so on your own without involving The Graduate.

mywrencalls · 16/12/2019 16:33

@Heidi3333 I'm 37, partner is 27, been together 5 years, first baby on the way. We have a wonderful problem free relationship.

I will say, he's extemely mature and that makes a massive difference. Couldn't be bothered with a guy that's out partying every weekend etc.
My advice would be to just go with the flow and see what happens.

IdiotInDisguise · 16/12/2019 16:38

Believe me, you can look young in your 40s but the menopause is a bitch, you can easily age very very quickly in your late 40s.

AlternativePerspective · 16/12/2019 17:10

Of course, if you want to extend your family you can always do so on your own without involving The Graduate. is it wrong that I just sniggered at this? Grin.

Seriously though re having children, fact is that if a relationship developed to the extent you wanted children, you’d be talking another couple of years so would be closer to your 50’s than 40’s, and then you still have to allow for the likelihood of IVF failure (very few are successful on the first attempt) and increased risk of miscarriage etc.

ElfisPresley · 16/12/2019 17:56

Wow the vitriol on this thread. She only wanted to date him. A bit younger than I would go for, but 20 somethings were to young for me when I was a 20 something myself. I'm sure that he knows what he likes. Maybe the bitter ones on this thread are jealous because their looks have already faded

Swipe left for the next trending thread