What effort does your DH make with you?

[plumbabe]

Date nights, weekends away, birthday cards/treats? Valentine’s Day? Christmas? Surprises? I’m just wondering what’s normal in a long term marriage? My DH used to do nice things before we got married and had kids. It’s been 10 years of nothing. He’s started making more effort now after I asked for a separation but it feels like too little too late and like I’m being love bombed and it will just slip back at some point. Just wondering if I expect too much. We’ve got no nice holiday memories in a decade of marriage. He’s just made no effort at all. Never books anything or thinks to take me anywhere. It’s a pretty shit life to be honest. I have always organised things but I had this realisation that he doesn’t appreciate it or care anyway. So I stopped. I now just do things with friends. But surely that’s no way to be married and it’s lonely. Is it too much to expect the man you’re married to, to make effort to show some interest? The kicker is I know if we split and he got himself a hot young GF he’d be taking her to Paris etc...all the things he used to do for me. I just feel massively disappointed and distressed by my husbands lack of card and attention. Does anyone else recognise this? Is it just doomed and should I walk away before I get too old to have a chance at finding somebody who does want to make effort?

Valentine's day: he always orders a massive bouquet from the florist. Occasionally if I'm having a tough time he will buy me supermarket flowers too, but rarely. He used to bring home vast bouquets often when we first married.

Christmas: he makes an effort. Buys a stocking full of small presents and also one or two main presents, nearly always thoughtful ones.

Occasionally he books us a night away - only two or three times, but does put amazing thought into it. Last time we arrived and there was already a bottle of champagne chilling on ice and some handmade chocolates in the room.

But to be fair, I do a hell of a lot of similar things for him. I took him to Paris for lunch on his birthday as a surprise one year. Once when I was working abroad we had a half day stop over in London and I bought him some oysters from harrods, hand delivered them to him then went back to work. I like to surprise him and keep the romance going. I book tickets for gigs and don't tell him where we're going until we're there. I also really nudge him to be more adventurous on holiday. We'd still be wasting money on damp cottages in Wales with the occasional treat of a gite in France if I hadn't nagged encouraged him tobe more adventurous. Then, when we are, even if DC are with us, it rekindles something of the excitement of when we first met.

If he's love bombing you now, try and appreciate it. He;ll get mixed messages if you demand special treatment and them harrumph that it won't last. Be super-enthusiastic so he knows it works. That way it might continue.

My DH does things like every now and again brings me in flowers.
if I’m ill, he tells me to stay in bed and he deals with this kids, brings me tea, asks me if I want anything, if I’m okay.

Always always checks with me first if his friends are planning a night out.

Helps round the house without being asked.

Oh he isn’t perfect not by a long shot but then who is. I’ve got a good husband (IMO) and we have been married 30 years.

Can I just say OP my husband never books anything for us either, he always leaves that up to me. I don’t bother about that though. Occasionally he will ask if I want to go out for dinner, or to the cinema and when I ask him where he wants to eat/what he wants to see, he always says “I’m not bothered just pick something”.

There was a time when he didn’t get me cards etc, never event made the effort of Mother’s Day cards (as long as the kids had made one at school). He didn’t make much of an effort, but he has gotten much better the older he has gotten and I feel that sometimes, he appreciates me more, not all the time, but you know what I mean.

Have you tried to sit him down and speak to him about it?
If you did split up who’s to say it wouldn’t be you with some hot guy taking YOU to Paris. Xx

My late H:

Valentines - we agreed between us from the first that we would exchange cards but no gifts, and treat ourselves to a chinese takeaway

Birthdays/Xmas - he would always try to buy me something he thought I would like. Unfortunately he was AWFUL at this as we had completely different tastes, but I always appreciated his efforts!

Mother's Day - He always made sure our DS had bought me something and a card

Holidays/trips etc - as a SAHD he always felt reluctant to suggest we spend family money on something he would enjoy. He didn't drive and had never travelled. So that was left to me to suggest, but planning would be a joint effort.

Admin - he was great at taking this on. He handled pretty much anything to do with school, any household stuff like insurance, utilities, council tax, etc.

Illness - if I was ill or in pain (I have chronic back pain) he would go to the ends of the earth to make me feel better. I had a really heavy cold once and he went out on foot in the pissing down rain to buy some Bovril and make me a cup.

When these things stop happening, it's the death knell for a relationship IME.

I'm in a newish (1year) relationship so it's a bit different. But something my new partner has done is just ask me what I expect/want.
Personally, I think loads of gifts and flowers are a waste of money and I would rather he spend time with me.
But I did tell him that I'd appreciate more compliments, particularly if I've made an affort to look nice or cook a nice meal.
On Sunday I needed to do a long run in an area I didn't know so he cycled beside me and navigated and cheered me on. He also REALLY listens to me and prioritizes time with me.
These things mean way more to me than flowers or gifts.

We've been together 8 years with 2 young kids.
He gets flowers occasionally out of the blue. Brings treats home if he stops at the shop.
We agree to not get each other presents for an occasion and he gets me one anyway cos he thought I'd really like it.
We go out for food/ cinema when we can- maybe once/twice a month (but we're lucky with childcare availability)
We've had weekends/nights away just us two. I'm probably the main organiser of this though.

He gets up with the kids at the weekend so I can lie in.
Sometimes he moves the cushions on the couch so we can snuggle on it lying down (bless him!)
He tells me he loves me randomly sometimes- like it's just popped into his head.
He does go out with friends but probably not as much as I do (mine are normally takeaway nights in)

He's not faultless by any stretch of the imagination. We annoy each other and bicker often. But writing all that just made me appreciate him.

He makes me coffee in bed every morning.

Been married 39 years. He is not a hearts and flowers man. However, he defrosts my car every morning, worries about me driving in bad weather, tells me he loves me every day. I have loads of lovely memories of him. He is the kindest, most loyal person and I love him back just as much.

That sounds really soppy but we are true soul mates. I know how lucky I am and am thankful every day for him.

You’re so lucky @potter5. I’m never going to have that and it’s so depressing. Feeling unappreciated is soul destroying. I don’t think my soul mate exists! Treasure what you have. It’s probably very rare

We have small dc and no help really for evening or overnight babysitting, so date nights or weekends away are tricky. We’d love to do them, but it’s just not possible til youngest is older and not easier to leave (he’s nearly 2, but they’re a lot for family to manage). But we both organise day dates - lunch or a day trip (we take annual leave while dc are in school/nursery). Dh has organised trips in the past when we could do those things.

Birthdays and anniversaries - we do a nice dinner at home, dh cooks for my birthday, we both do for anniversaries. We buy each other gifts (usually we tell the other what we’d like - after 11 years, we’re running out of surprises!). Christmas is the same. We do presents but nothing grand, often we give hints because we’re out of ideas.

We don’t do Valentines Day. I think it’s a bit weird, though sometimes I use it justify a meal for 2 or something because I like the M&S meal for 2.

It sounds like you don’t enjoy spending time with each other. Most of those things are just about making time for one another. If you’re discussing separation, it sounds like you’ve both given up a bit. Presents and things don’t matter, but caring enough about the other person to make them feel special is important.

He’s started making more effort now after I asked for a separation

That is always the way, going into action when they can sense that the comfortable life they enjoyed with a reliable partner is about to end and it is infuriating. I had this too, all my years of hurt, emotional neglect, nights sat on my own when he cancelled last minute meant nothing, it was when I decided I was worth more that I got a bunch of flowers and it felt hollow and empty because I knew the gesture was not one of care or love, but an act to keep me when I belonged making life comfortable for him. Find your own care and happiness OP, don't count on him for it.

I’m the same as you op although I haven’t asked for a separation. We don’t do Valentine’s Day as he doesn’t believe in it. My birthday this year I got some generic toiletries, reason being is we are expecting and money is tight (not that tight he couldn’t buy something cheap and thoughtful). His birthday came after mine, he actively asked for a couple of things around £50 mark didn’t see the problem.. I bought myself a jacket as a birthday present to myself and he said I’ll give you £20 towards it if you like?
I feel like I have casually mentioned this to him over the years and got upset and cried he will do the cliche of buying flowers the next day and saying how much he appreciates me but it goes away again. He also sometimes says things like “well you don’t buy me flowers and they die anyway”

We dont have much money so no big presents and stuff here but he buys me cards and tells me how much he loves me all the time. He brings me a cup of tea in bed every single morning, defrosts my car, and just looks after me. I very much do the same for him too. It's about feeling valued isnt it?

As a husband reading some of the comments are a bit sad and maybe one sided. I try my hardest to do whatever I can Valentine’s Day, birthdays,Christmas flowers,chocolates go out for meals, cook, Tell my wife I love her, admittedly the house cleaning I’ve been banned from as it’s not great but I’ll put the bins out. I don’t go out drinking with the lads as family is my priority I do try but as it seems you ladies feel that your unhappy with not being made to feel special imagine your other half doesn’t cuddle,hold hands, snuggle on the sofa, make love (well once this year) get or want to get close to you and prefers to sleep alone. When all you want is to feel loved, wanted needed and worth something. Feeling so lonely in a marriage is heartbreaking and I’d give anything to feel special and loved by the person I married and want to spend the rest of my life with.

There's not as many romantic gifts / spontaneous trips 8 years in. Occasionally some supermarket flowers or my favourite chocolate bar if I'm sad or poorly.
BUT I do always feel appreciated and loved.

Have you looked up the "love languages" and worked out what yours are? Just so you know for the future.
Also OP I don't believe in soul mates either. That takes away the element of choosing your own destiny.

My husband and I have been together nearly 25 years. We were childhood sweethearts.

Generally he doesn’t buy me gifts for birthdays, anniversaries or Christmas. However, he does transfer money to me monthly for lavish vacations, so that’s sort of my gifts. Also, when we go on vacation, he likes to buy me a gift, spending around $300.

But to be honest, it’s not the gifts I’m interested in...or even the holidays.
I love the way he looks at me. Hugs me. Sits right next to me and puts his arm around me. Knees on the floor in front of me and puts his head on my lap. I adore how he texts me throughout the day with silly messages, funny messages and reminders of how much he loves me. I love that he’s kind and calls me ‘hottie’ even though I weigh a bit more these days. If I say I’m going out he looks disappointed. If I’m in before he gets home from work and he sees me through the patio doors, his face lights up as he walks up the path. I live with this big, strong, man who when we are on our own is as daft and sweet as can be.
He makes me feel a million dollars every day. He makes me feel loved and cared for. He makes me feel sexy.

So I don’t care about what he does or doesn’t buy. I don’t envy grand gestures. I genuinely appreciate how he just makes me feel. Completely happy.

Sw05 it’s one sided because the question in the OP was ‘what does your partner do for you’, not ‘what do you do for your partner’.
We don’t make a big deal of Valentine’s Day/anniversaries etc, but day to day DH does so many things to show he cares. He always gets up at 5.45am with the baby, letting me stay in bed until 7, as he knows I don’t sleep well generally. He cooks often. He books me massages when I moan about my back hurting. He always buys my favourite wine or chocolate when he’s at the shop. He buys me books he thinks I’d like. That sort of thing.
I also do lots of things for him, but that wasn’t the question

Together 6 years. I'm currently pregnant. He had an emotional affair around 2 years ago which turned everything on its head. Prior to this he was selfish, didn't really care much about my love languages, was very self absorbed. I was ready to leave him even before I knew about the affair.

A lot of work later and now we are at a very good place where he knows what makes me happy and pursues it. He's got a lot more gratitude for what we have worked for and what we bring each other. We both work hard and long hours, both are studying. So he sends me cute postcards to work to say hi. He buys me pay day flowers.

We have an agreement about birthdays being about an experience so we do something as a couple or family. Our birthdays are two weeks apart so we do something decent. My birthday our wedding anniversary Valentine's Day and now my due date are now in the same month so it's a fun month.

We spend as much time together as a family now.

It took a massive massive shock, fucking his life up and nearly loosing everything for him to really really look at himself. He had therapy, he sorted out a lot of old shit, and all our lives are better for it.

I had to reflect on my half of the relationship too and make changes.

He may well have woken up OP, I hope so.

Oh sorry my bad 🙏🙏please accept my apologies

Neither of us are into Valentines etc. My dh does all finance, dog walking, vast majority of the cooking. His idea for the new kitchen was a big leather recliner and a huge wall mounted TV so that I could come home, slob out on the recliner with a coffee (new fabulous machine) and the dogs. This has recently come to fruition and I’m delighted! He does a shit ton for me, every day.

Nope. I do all the booking of holidays, days out, date nights or days - even when I ask him if he wants a date night and he agrees to organise some part of it he never does. I get flowers on Mother’s Day and a card. He gets me a preset for birthday and Christmas but despite years of me spending time with the children making sure he gets cards and things from them I have never received anything from them so he’s never gone to that effort either.

He does normal couple things like if I’m REALLY ill he’ll take over...

Sorry, feeling a little unseen, unappreciated and insignificant too. It hurts doesn’t it, because it makes you feel like you’re not worth the effort. He’s a very unselfish lover but that’s because he loves it, he loves sex in any form so it’s entirely selfless an act.

I’d love for him to just book a night away or randomly buy me flowers or offer to plan the family holiday....

We aren't fans of Valentine's day, I never have been and was relieved he felt the same. We don't have any kids so we do have the odd date night but we also just like going for walks together with the dog.

Occasionally we buy gifts for each other but to be honest I like the little things. Making cups of tea, wrapping up together under a throw on the sofa, stuff like that.

When I'm on early shifts or off I meet him at the station with the dog and walk him home talking crap and asking how his day is. Nothing fancy but it works. :)

Having said that he does tell me he loves me every day and is physically affectionate regularly. I’m just feeling very overwhelmed with the mental load right now

OP that's sad. I di ceel for you as you dound lonely.
My H isn't a big romantic but I always get cards with really heartfelt messages at Valentine's and birthday. I explained to him years ago that a loving card means more to me than perfume or chocolates and he took it on board.
I always get cups of tea offered, he pulls his weight at home, never has to be asked/told, he hugs me for no reason. He'll say "you look lovely in that" out of the blue.
These are the things I value
Yes, I've been lucky to be given pieces of jewellery on special occasions but it's the day to day showing he sees me that I care more about.
To be told once that I was the glue that held our family together and he owes me everything.. That really wasn't necessary but it just popped out if his mouth after I'd talked a DD down from yet another crisis.
In not gloating. My first marriage was CRAP and the early years of this marriage weren't exactly a ball. We've come a long way together and endured terrible grief.
I couldn't live with a H who didn't appreciate me.
It's soul destroying. I remember exH all too well.
I'm old enough now to recognise my worth and I am deserving of respect and kindness just as I give that to my H because we're a partnership.
(Even though we also irritate the fuck out of each other regularly.)

I think it all depends on your 'love languages' like other people have posted about.

DH and I have never been the types for grand gestures. But I do feel cared for in the small gestures that show he's thinking about me. The cups of tea in the morning, the little treats like a bar of chocolate for me when he's popped out to the shop. Recording something I said I wanted to watch on sky. Cuddling up with me on the sofa at the end of the day. Telling me I look nice for work every morning. Making dinner for us in the evening.

In all honesty, I felt really taken for granted was when our DC were little. Our relationship was pretty shit then and I was at the point of leaving. I was working PT and did everything around the house. I got mad with him leaving it all because IMO it just showed a complete lack of respect for me. He was trying to do all the flowers, buying gifts etc then and I just hated it. Because it wasn't natural and not us at all. I remember telling him I didn't want flowers, I wanted him to clean the bathroom without me having to tell him to do it. We are in a better place now. I'm back working full time and he's back to pulling his weight with the house work. I'm wondering perhaps OP if it's not just the grand gestures that are missing, are you feeling taken for granted in other ways too?