What effort does your DH make with you?

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Date nights, weekends away, birthday cards/treats? Valentine’s Day? Christmas? Surprises? I’m just wondering what’s normal in a long term marriage? My DH used to do nice things before we got married and had kids. It’s been 10 years of nothing. He’s started making more effort now after I asked for a separation but it feels like too little too late and like I’m being love bombed and it will just slip back at some point. Just wondering if I expect too much. We’ve got no nice holiday memories in a decade of marriage. He’s just made no effort at all. Never books anything or thinks to take me anywhere. It’s a pretty shit life to be honest. I have always organised things but I had this realisation that he doesn’t appreciate it or care anyway. So I stopped. I now just do things with friends. But surely that’s no way to be married and it’s lonely. Is it too much to expect the man you’re married to, to make effort to show some interest? The kicker is I know if we split and he got himself a hot young GF he’d be taking her to Paris etc...all the things he used to do for me. I just feel massively disappointed and distressed by my husbands lack of card and attention. Does anyone else recognise this? Is it just doomed and should I walk away before I get too old to have a chance at finding somebody who does want to make effort?

I've had ONE relationship where I felt valued. In the others (marriages/LTR's) it's usually started off good, but petered away to nothing, or, even worse, dismissive 'you don't need flowers/attention/a holiday' stuff.

This is why I'm glad I had one man who knew how it should go, otherwise I'd think it was me!

We do christmas presents and birthday presents. We go out to eat most months, admittedly half the time we would take cash strapped MIL to join us but we both really like MIL, so that's ok. We don't do cards. We go on holiday every year. We both forget valentines. I always get flowers on our wedding day. I am now wondering if I do enough for him.

My DP surprises me with flowers now and again. He also texts me everyday when he’s at work to let me know how much he loves me.
Valentine’s Day usually involves a nice card and flowers.
For my birthday he’ll book a couple of nights away somewhere and we’ll go out for dinner.
When we’re together we’re very tactile and give each other lots of compliments. He’ll do things everyday like bring me a cup of tea without having to be asked, tell me I’m beautiful, bring me a hot water bottle and rub my stomach (I’ve got a stomach issue which causes me a lot of pain).
We’ve got lots of nice memories together of holidays, days out, restaurants etc.
My previous relationship was the total opposite and he couldn’t have made me feel less loved and cared for if he tried.

8 and a bit years in for us. I'm the organiser I book and plan our trips though we do discuss together. He wouldn't think to do a surprise one though. No grand gestures either.

However he does do the small every day things which mean so much more. He is affectionate,loving and kind. He will buy me a fave choc bar from the shop. He makes me a coffee in bed when his alarm wakes me on my days off. Looks after me when I'm ill. Pulls his weight around the house( could do more but he does a fair bit and does more outside than I do) he treats me to drinks and food when we are out.

Never forgets birthdays and Christmas, he started our and always gifts me lovely gifts that I never give him a list for or ask as I think it ruins the surprise element. He isn't perfect but neither am I but it works for us and I'm very happy with my man.

Dh does valentine’s, Christmas and birthday in thoughtful ways. He also often buys me flowers. We have never been away without the children.
He listens to me and makes time to talk and cuddle. We feel like a team.

In not really interested in surprises, I like to book things together, and don’t quite get the concept of being ‘taken’ somewhere.
I mean if he knows a city we visit and I don’t , then there’s an element of him knowing where to have lunch or whatever. But being ‘taken’ somewhere sounds slightly odd and infantilising to me. But I suppose I’m coming from a place of feeling like DH really has my back, and maybe if I didn’t id want “ treats” more than I do.

Hope you find a way through op, and sorry that you’re feeling lonely.

So you've stopped making any effort too? Because because because,,,perhaps you have both forgotten what effort looks like. Perhaps he is feeling that you don't treasure him either.

Nothing. That’s why he’s an ex.

Sorry you are feeling so down OP.

XH never organised anything for me- no date nights, no trips away, nothing. He didn't do little thoughtful gestures like make me a cup of tea either.

Current DP ( we don't live together yet though!) almost brought me to tears one day when he checked my car tyres as he was leaving. Such a tiny, simple thing, but it showed me how much he cares. Not once, in 13 years, did XH ever check my tyres or wash my (the family) car. It really brought home to me how little XH did 'just for me'.

Nothing
When we first met he would buy me flowers often and thoughtful gifts for birthdays and Christmas. 12 years later and he never buys gifts or flowers. In our entire relationship he has never taken me away and never prompted going out for a meal.

He does have positives though, he's never missed a bedtime and with regards to our children it's 50/50.

No my dp doesn't book trips away or buy me things but then he has no control over money because he has a gaming problem. If he's ever left in charge of money he spends it. He used to buy me flowers sometimes but I told him to stop because it's a waste of money as far as I'm concerned. He does put in an effort for birthdays etc.

I'm sorry you're unhappy. Personally I don't feel the need for my partner to do the things you describe. Even when we first got together. What matters to me is other ways he shows me he loves me. Like recognising my achievements, noticing when I'm stressed, doing something I want to do even if it's not his kind of thing (like going to a show that I want to see).

DH is good at presents. It might not be something I entirely want but he really thinks about it so it always makes sense why he chose it!

He buys me random flowers if I'm celebrating or really upset. It's only once or twice a year or something and supermarket ones but it's nice.

He also looks after DD on his own a fair bit at weekends to allow me time with my horse. He mountain bikes so I try and return the favour as much as possible.

We never go out together though and he wouldn't ever surprise me or book anything. We're going away for 4 days next month just the two of us for my birthday (my idea, I booked it and paid for it myself) for the first time since our honeymoon ten years ago. I asked him what the hell we'll talk about! He said the weather and that he's planning to ask me if I have any interests outside of work

AntiHop -well that’s a veiled dig if ever I heard one!

Going to a show you want to see and doing something you want to do is exactly what the OP is talking about amongst other things. Just getting some kind of appreciation.

We don't so the date night stuff etc. He is kind and loving every day. From a cup of tea each morning to going out for a 3-mile walk last night to get brandy cream to go with my dessert. I've been off work for 15 months with mental health issues and she's shown nothing but love and I know he's worried. He's not perfect though, but we both really like each other and make each other laugh. We also still love to hold hands etc.

This thread shows how unromantic me and DH are.

We don't do valentine's and don't do anniversary gifts. Usually we'll try to have a meal or day out around the month of our anniversary. We don't spend big on Christmas and birthdays either and often send each other the link for the thing we would like.

But he does his fair share around the house, isn't a man child, shows affection regularly. We're fairly low maintenance and neither of us likes lots of big gestures so we value the day to day small things more.

On Valentines Day, Birthday and Christmas we give each other a card and a present (for Christmas & Birthday we tell each other what we want otherwise we both buy each other what we don't want!). On Mother's Day he gets me a card and present from the kids and I do the same on Father's Day. At Easter we buy each other an Egg. I got a small box of quality street when I had our first baby and a chocolate Orange for the second! Otherwise he does nothing.

@damnthatanxiety I’ve spent a decade doing things. Booking shows/concerts for things he’ll like. Surprise gifts. Holidays/trips. Accommodating his family. Making social plans with his friends. Organising parties. Booking, organising, effort...to be told I’m not getting a birthday card because he doesn’t do cards even though I’ve said over and over that all I want is a nice card with thought. Not bothered about the 5 minute gift ordered from amazon. It’s effort I want. In something. Accompanying me to something I enjoy. I go to everything on my own because it’s not his thing unless it’s his thing and then I go. Where’s the compromise. I’m all out of effort. I booked, planned our wedding. He did nothing. I even bought my own engagement ring and wedding ring and his wedding ring! Zero effort. Then our 10th wedding anniversary when he could have done something. A night away. A night out. Dinner out. Anything. Nothing. Me again, organised for my parents to have the kids for the weekend so he didn’t even have to book childcare. We had a free weekend and still he made NO effort.

I've been with DH for nearly 30 years, have had dc for 13.

Before DC he used to bring me flowers all the time, gifts, coffee in bed, weekends away, you name it.

He also packed in his life to do something I wanted to do.

Since we've had dc all of the above is gone.

And yet I feel even more loved, appreciated and cared for than I did before.

It's not the grand (and relatively easy) gestures that make the difference. It is the everyday doing more than his fair share, taking the dc in the early morning to allow me to have a lie-in, thanking me for what I do for the family and the dc, and generally not taking me for granted that matters.

@Liara that sounds lovely. If I felt appreciated, loved, cherished, emotionally invested in then I guess the rest wouldn’t matter

I guess that’s what I’m saying - how love and support is expressed will naturally change as situations change, but if it’s not there all the flowers in the world won’t change that.

On this thread you will probably get as many answers as posters, but in the end the only thing that matters is whether you actually are loved and appreciated and, if in fact you are, what do you need to see your partner doing to feel it?

I'm not married but I feel like it's sad that people consider their DH "helping" around the house or doing their "fair share" as something kind or nice for their DW. Shouldn't that be a basic expectation not treated like a favour, going the extra mile or making a concerted effort with their DW?

As I say I'm not married but my partner makes me feel special and wanted. Funny / thoughtful little gifts for no particular reason, rather than grand gestures on set days. He tells me he's proud of me all the time, we laugh loads every day and we are best mates. We both have flaws obviously but the positives outweigh the negatives so much. All of these things I do for him too. We are a team.

My DH is crap at presents and never does big gestures like planning a day out or a date night. But he does little things like de-icing my car for me in winter, waiting up until I get home from a night shift to make sure I'm safely home or even just sitting with me on the sofa and rubbing my feet for me. He listens when I drone on and on about books and will come with me to car boot sales despite hating them himself.

He does things that drive me potty as well but it's the small things that make me feel loved rather then the Mills and Boon style gestures.

I'm not married but I feel like it's sad that people consider their DH "helping" around the house or doing their "fair share" as something kind or nice for their DW. Shouldn't that be a basic expectation not treated like a favour, going the extra mile or making a concerted effort with their DW?

It is a basic expectation for me otherwise we wouldn't be married. He doesn't get brownie points for doing his fair share, but for me a partner/husband doing their fair share day in day out and showing their affection day in day out through small things tells me more about them than a man who does big romantic gestures, presents etc.

Neither me or DH is into romantic gestures, we don't do buying flowers or cards, we don't have regular date nights etc. It's not our style. What matters to us is to have a spouse who loves and cares for us, who values us and treats us like an equal, who we can spend time with and make each other laugh. We feel valued and appreciated precisely because of the even distribution of day to day things and small signs of affection. Not everyone wants date nights and presents as signs of love.

We are 10 years too and I have noticed he's letting birthdays lapse but still makes a small effort at Valentine's Day and I do get a fuss at Christmas.

In turn, I do the same for him. The key is to talk. I have told him it's important to me to get a bunch of flowers now and then for no reason and that my birthday, V Day and Xmas are fuss days.

I don't think I could stay with a man who couldn't give me the love language I need.

Also - we make sure to do a Date Night once a month around pay day so we can dress up, go have some drinks and fun just recapture the magic.

I often look back at our early years with such fondness. We were like a pair of love struck fools in our mid fifties.
It was wonderful, magnificent amazing stuff..I have fabulous memories.
Was I in love. Absolutely. Did I love him . absolutely. Do I love him .absolutely .

But my how it’s changed.
I never get a surprise present ..unless it’s something useful. He does choose nice valentines cards , birthday and anniversary cards.
If I see something I like for my birthday, Christmas etc ..he will buy it without question.
I do all of the organising, planning of trips, days out holidays
There’s never any surprises. I see to all of the running of the house, the negotiations of utility contracts, maintainance of cars etc

However, I do have wall to wall support and love. From the minute he wakes up..it’s what can I get you. Since he moved in, the only time I haven’t had breakfast or a cuppa in bed is when he was in hospital with a stroke.
He does all the cooking..usually..the shopping, hangs out the washing. I’m on cleaning..although he will help. I’m now the only driver since his stroke and that has hit us hard. Especially with old age approaching. My health isn’t always brilliant and having to drive on those days isn’t always good when he feels better than me .but can’t drive on account of his loss of vision

So while I do miss the heady, exciting days...I’ve got someone loyal, steadfast and reliable
Someone who loves me warts and all. As I love him
We share a passion for dowsing , alternate health , quizzing, eating, a bit of drinking , theatre, cinema ,holidaying anywhere together as long as it’s not too hot..

So no complaints from me.I’m one very lucky lady and i think he thinks he’s a lucky man..