What effort does your DH make with you?

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Date nights, weekends away, birthday cards/treats? Valentine’s Day? Christmas? Surprises? I’m just wondering what’s normal in a long term marriage? My DH used to do nice things before we got married and had kids. It’s been 10 years of nothing. He’s started making more effort now after I asked for a separation but it feels like too little too late and like I’m being love bombed and it will just slip back at some point. Just wondering if I expect too much. We’ve got no nice holiday memories in a decade of marriage. He’s just made no effort at all. Never books anything or thinks to take me anywhere. It’s a pretty shit life to be honest. I have always organised things but I had this realisation that he doesn’t appreciate it or care anyway. So I stopped. I now just do things with friends. But surely that’s no way to be married and it’s lonely. Is it too much to expect the man you’re married to, to make effort to show some interest? The kicker is I know if we split and he got himself a hot young GF he’d be taking her to Paris etc...all the things he used to do for me. I just feel massively disappointed and distressed by my husbands lack of card and attention. Does anyone else recognise this? Is it just doomed and should I walk away before I get too old to have a chance at finding somebody who does want to make effort?

I am a SAHM and works ft + lots of private jobs. Everything is left to me to organise. I know, I shouldn't complain, but I am fed up! We have 2 young child, but no childcare available, so date nights are out of the question, last time he has taken me out was for my b'day 2 years ago :( He is a workaholic, loves children and his comfortable life, but I am not sure how long I can put up with this. He makes me coffee every morning, but that's about it. He is from Southern Europe, so this family model is ingrained in him and I have not been able to change it in 12+ years. Latest example- we have decided to drive to his parents in the next holiday and yesterday he asked if I have thought about the route and all the hotels, and attractions on the way, and everything else! This, mind you, is to visit HIS parents! I am fed-up...grrrr.
OP, I understand you fully- it is hard to feel unappreciated and just so bored with a man, who thinks that you should be happy just to look after him and kids.

• I am SATH and DP works full time + private jobs

Fannybaws52 I’d give anything to feel loved In my marriage. My wife says she loves me but that’s just words I love to cuddle, hold hands, snuggle, make love but my wife is more the opposite she doesn’t do any of that. We used to when we were dating but as time has gone on and all the chocolates, flowers, gestures, and gifts and doing what I can I feel so lonely, unloved unappreciated sometimes I wonder if she would even notice if I wasn’t here. I love my wife with all my heart and don’t want the marriage to end and she says she loves me and wants us to be married but feeling this low, unloved, unattractive, undesired and rejected is breaking my heart. We not slept together in nearly 2 years and only made love once this year and i always an turned away if I try and get close as she says I’m putting pressure on her. So no matter how much I do I cannot break down her defences

DH has never been proactive, and is quite laid back (and lazy).
Upside is he’s very easy to live with, which works really well for me. Downside - if I want something to happen, I have to make it happen.
Works for us.

Married 8 years.

Christmas - finds out what I want and gets it.
Valentines - flowers and dinner
Birthday - finds out what I'd like and gets it, dinner out too.

He struggles to buy me things without input as he's usually worried he'll get it wrong. But never forgets or doesn't bother. Actually last year he had a bracelet engraved for me.

He does tend to get me things randomly, if I see something I like he'll just buy it.

I tend to organise holidays but he's very involved on holidays if that makes sense. Will book me into a massage while away and take kids out.

Does nice things too like fill up my car or clean it for me. He always orders what he thinks Id like if we go out to eat incase I don't like my meal.

It's shit you feel that way op. If you feel it's too little too late that's ok. My ex was completely shit. If he did anything for me or bought me a gift he expected a gold star and to be told what a good boy he was.

Mine doesn’t really do much and hardly ever bought me gifts on occasions. I didn’t mind too much before dc because I prefer to go out and spend the money doing something instead.
I always organised every occasion, day trip and holiday. He just never seemed interested.
After dcs, I got angry and said that I wanted him to include dcs in showing some appreciation for me on special occasions. I didn’t want them growing up thinking I didn’t deserve the same attention that I gave to all the other family members.

However, dh is not an arse and always supports me, encourages me and pulls his weight.
He annoys me but doesn’t make me feel shit. I know he values me. That makes a difference.

We've been together for a couple of years, and are struggling for money - so half the things you guys seem to do for each other are just out of our reach anyway.

But, I don't mind. He will text/call while he's at work to ask if I'm okay, we sit together and spend time together in the evening, and if we're not working the next day we will go to bed at midnight ish and will still be talking, putting the world to rights, and cuddling, at 4am, sometimes later.

Holidays would be good, flowers and gifts would be nice, but I think presence is more important than presents, and I'm just happy that I have someone who loves spending time with me, rather than some of my friends' partners who get them flowers but then stay out until all hours and hardly utter a word when they get in.

My husband does nothing. But I dont do much for him either to be honest. He does do stuff like take the kids out in the morning so i can have a lie in, suggested we should put the baby in nursery every other week on my day off so I can have a break, and stuff like that, which I would rather have over grand gesture stuff

9 years together... flowers/cards for Valentine's, Anniversaries etc and presents for Christmas/birthdays.

He has never surprised me with anything though, weekend away or night out or anything similar

I'm sorry OP. I would be disappointed too

18 years in. He makes me a cup of tea everyday. On my work days I leave earlier and he has a coffee in a travel mug for the car. He is awesome with our kids. I hate phoning people so he does the hard yards on chasing hospital appointments and dealing with workmen. He buys me thoughtful presents at random times as well as birthdays and Christmas. He doesn’t complain when I occasionally make immense cock ups in word or action (apart from telling me to stop apologising). We are by no means love youngs dream but I feel loved and I love him back.

I've attached a thing on love languages which really helped hubby and I understand what matters to one another.

We are quite different and definitely neglected one another for a time. We get it better now and it makes life so much better

Husband was extremely romantic when we were dating. Whisked me off to weekends away in Europe. Dinner out several times a month. Take aways. Used to buy me supermarket flowers regularly, or just a bar of chocolate.

Had DC and everything stopped. I got my figure back quickly but felt like just a mum with no sex appeal because that was how husband treated me. No more flowers apart from valentines. A very rare chocolate bar and usually only if I asked if I knew he was going to a shop. No romantic nights out despite easy baby sitting access. No romantic weekends away. He is a high earner and would regularly go away for lads weekends, lads nights out etc. Meanwhile I stayed at home feeling unwanted, only here to run the house and look after the kids.

He briefly improved for a few months after I said that I wanted out. A few date nights which soon fizzled out. We are now getting divorced. I would rather be single than feel like a domestic appliance and occasional provider of sex.

It's not the big gestures for me. It's the little ones like bringing me my favourite chocolate or a glass of wine in bed after a hard day at work. Listening, cuddling, giving me space or making me laugh. Bringing in hot chips for us to share after work. He has been brilliant after my MH diagnosis last year and learned all my triggers and responses.

What do you mean he won't take you to Paris?
Does he refuse to go, or are you expecting him to come up with the idea, book it and pay for it?

My husband has never and would never

• surprise me with anything
• organise a nice dinner or night out for us
• buy an extravagant gift (except once when dc1 was born)
• buy flowers
• compliment my looks
• say romantic things or send cute/romantic texts

It doesn't bother me though. Those things just aren't him. When it comes to holidays especially, it doesn't make sense to want to be "taken somewhere". Surely you'd agree on a place together?

But I do feel loved and taken care of by him. He always buys my favourite chocolate and treats that I like. He suggests my family comes over when I'm sure he'd rather relax. He would never create or leave a mess and always has the house tidy. He wakes up with dc when it isn't his turn if he thinks I might be tired.

What annoys me is how many people pull out all the stops in the beginning (showing that they know what they ought to do) with the listening and the cuddling and hand holding and bringing chocolate (nothing huge, just things that show you think of your partner as a living, breathing being with likes and dislikes that you've listened to), and it all goes to shit as soon as they are in a full time relationship.

Almost as though a partner stops being a person to be treated as a human being and becomes just this accessory. I suppose it's being taken for granted, in a nutshell.

I've finished with relationships. They start out all grand gestures but there's no way of knowing whether the cups of tea and back rubs will continue or degenerate into solo whisky and unwanted sex until it's too late.

Zaphodsotherhead
Surely if depends what you're seeking in a relationship.

If I dated a guy who had a love language of gifts and lots of displays of affection, date nights and romantic trips then it would be highly unlikely to become a long term relationship because I would find that suffocating and it doesn't match my love language.
Whereas a friend of mine and her DP are (nauseatingly) big into romantic gestures. They're always messaging, buying gifts, having date nights, weekends away etc. It works well because they both love that sort of communication.

The problem is when people present a different love language at the start and/or over time it becomes clear that the two people aren't on the same page.

But that's just it LolaSmiles - if it's not their natural love language then why would they pretend? Why start a relationship with someone who believes that they are compatible, only to turn round a year or so in and effectively say 'that's not me, I HATE giving presents/buying flowers'.

Why not just be honest at the start?

Brings me pizza when I have a hangover
Makes me dinner after a particularly long day or journey
Breakfast in bed sometimes
Always rubs my aches and pains
Makes me feel like everything we do and tackle, we do as a team
Makes me laugh every day, even if he doesn't feel like it.

He's top.

Zaphodsotherhead
It depends on whether we're talking honeymoon dating period or being fake.

I don't think anyone should pretend to be something they're not by doing loads of grand gestures and then stopping by claiming 'oh I don't do romantic gestures'. On that you're totally right.

But it is normal to have a honeymoon phase and anyone who expects a relationship to be permanently in the honeymoon phase is probably being a bit unrealistic in their expectations. There does come a point where a relationship transitions from new honeymoon period to long term status quo. Maintaining an endless honeymoon us quite high maintenance and not what most people want. I know a couple who do that but both of them are, by their own admission divas and high maintenance in relationships.

You are quite right LolaSmiles. Everyone is on their best behaviour during the honeymoon phase!

You are not wrong Zaph. Works both ways too. I have found most female partners I have had have changed a lot over the course of the relationship. I choose to be single and just do occasional dating with people of a similar mindset. Long term relationships bore the hell out of me after a few years.

I wouldn't say mine is overly romantic. I always get birthday and Christmas presents (decent ones) but he doesn't bother with anniversaries (apart from a significant one) or valentines. He wouldn't think to buy me flowers, but if he stays in hotels he brings me the free biscuits home 😂
We don't do "date nights" but we go out to the pub/cinema/for meals regularly anyway.

Hmm. Even the phrase 'love language' makes me cringe tbh! Dh and I just aren't really romantic gesture types. I totally feel valued and respected though. We give cards for Valentine's Day but probably just because we feel we ought to! Both good at birthday and Christmas presents. Rarely go out as a couple, but dc are just old enough to be left for the evening now, so might do that more. I wouldn't have wanted to marry a romantic type really - it's just not my thing!