What effort does your DH make with you?

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Date nights, weekends away, birthday cards/treats? Valentine’s Day? Christmas? Surprises? I’m just wondering what’s normal in a long term marriage? My DH used to do nice things before we got married and had kids. It’s been 10 years of nothing. He’s started making more effort now after I asked for a separation but it feels like too little too late and like I’m being love bombed and it will just slip back at some point. Just wondering if I expect too much. We’ve got no nice holiday memories in a decade of marriage. He’s just made no effort at all. Never books anything or thinks to take me anywhere. It’s a pretty shit life to be honest. I have always organised things but I had this realisation that he doesn’t appreciate it or care anyway. So I stopped. I now just do things with friends. But surely that’s no way to be married and it’s lonely. Is it too much to expect the man you’re married to, to make effort to show some interest? The kicker is I know if we split and he got himself a hot young GF he’d be taking her to Paris etc...all the things he used to do for me. I just feel massively disappointed and distressed by my husbands lack of card and attention. Does anyone else recognise this? Is it just doomed and should I walk away before I get too old to have a chance at finding somebody who does want to make effort?

I probably shouldn’t post as I know my dh is unusual, but it’s my second marriage so I appreciate him. He always goes the extra mile. Took me to Paris with friends for my birthday and woke up to find 10 handwritten cards and something very special. Coffee in bed every morning. Looks after my children and parents financially. Likes to simplify my life by doing all the admin even though it should really be me! He believes in our marriage and wants to make it work. He isn’t perfect but the kindest of men and I do love him.

I read somewhere that I love you can be something like ‘did you arrive ok’ and this sums up my DH.

Valentines - useless! Bought me cut price flowers the next day.

Christmas - useless! Have to force him to make an effort and kicked up a fuss a bit before so he seems to be learning

Birthday - Awful! Buying card at last minute etc.

However : he runs baths for me every week, lights candles and bubble bath and put out my iPad. If I say I’d like to go somewhere or out for dinner he pays for it all no hesitation. Always texts to see if I’ve gotten to work ok/at lunch to see how my day is/ to ask if I’m ok and on my home in the eve. He took care of me for months when I had a bad injury waiting on me hand and foot. He always kisses me goodnight and tells me he loves me and is concerned if I sleep badly. Checks the weather to see if I need an umbrella and a million other little things.

So I guess what I mean is that if I just evaluated our marriage on big occasions alone it would look very bad but in reality he would do anything for me and genuinely cares so much about me and my wellbeing and my family.

I know that feeling! I am 4 years in and the effort has GONE.....used to be so different. The spark is going out of our relationship because of it, but I refuse to beg someone for effort....if you have to beg someone for effort then that speaks volumes. I feel for you, I know exactly how you feel :(

It's only a matter of time before you cheat or leave him I can see it coming a mile off x

It's funny, I used to be upset about the lack of grand gestures but now I really appreciate the small ones and we have a better relationship for it. He's never going to be a hearts and flowers guy but I love the coffee in bed after a long lie in.

My husband is never going to whisk me away and plan a romantic weekend (we both know I'm the organised one) but he gets considerate presents on all the right dates. Always listens to me and supports me emotionally. This is VERY cheesy but I'd prefer a partner who is present, than presents. Heard that once and always thought there's truth in that.
(Also fight like cat and dog regularly!!!)

It doesn't matter if it's right for anyone else, it just matters if it's right for you OP xx

I really really tried in my last relationship to appreciate the 'small gestures'. He'd started out with larger gestures but I guess the writing was on the wall on practically the first day, when I said I loved having flowers in the house and he said, in a very dull voice 'I suppose I'll have to buy you flowers.' I replied that, no, on the contrary, I buy my own flowers and he seemed to take it that this meant I would buy myself anything I wanted or needed and he didn't need to bother ever.

But then even the small gestures started to dry up, or become him 'doing things' for the sake of doing them, not because I wanted or needed them done. Like, he changed my car tyres for all weather ones. I didn't WANT all weather tyres, or NEED all weather tyres, but be had decided that that was what I should have. So it was a gesture, but an unwanted one. No cups of tea in bed or looking after me when I was ill (both of which I could have done with), but fucking CAR TYRES.

It was because he didn't really listen to me, and that's the top and bottom of it. Not listening to what the other person might be saying, very quietly.

I've decided I'd rather be single than not be listened to anymore.

Married over 10 years. I don't think either of us go in much for gestures any more. But we book fun things to do together, love holidaying together, we both make a good effort for birthdays and Christmas with thoughtful gifts etc.

In fact DH is better than me- he makes me a cappuccino every morning which is fab!

With us it is the little things that show me he cares.

The chocolate that appears in the fridge when I'm on. The early mornings he does with the kids with out me even mentioning I'm tired. The division of house work and childcare.

He does big things too for important birthdays (as do I for him) and thoughtful gifts for Christmas. And we both make sure we sort date nights. Our relationship is a two way street I put in the effort as does he. I organised time away in the summer just the two of us as a surprise as he'd had a tough year at work and needed time to relax.

Do you feel you are putting in the effort for the romantic side of things and just isn't or are you both a bit crap at it?

Oh and we are 13 years into our marriage for context.