Always known. Always said. But still 'apologising' for not wanting kids.

[Pinkbonbon]

So, I've known since I was a kid that I didn't want kids. At least my own.

I'll try to explain it as I would sexual identity: So, I'm straight, I like men, I have no interest in experimenting. Nor can I 'become' gay. I've known I was straight since I was young. And it's an unchangeable and part of who I am.

There are countless reasons that if it were a choice for me to have kids, I wouldn't choose it. And i find myself stating these time and time again as a defence against those who tell me I should or will want them. But the truth is, they aren't actually relevant to me anyway - Because for me, it isn't a choice not to have children. The notion itself is something totally alien to me. Almost as if a different gender should do it. It just isn't me.

I have been trying to explain this to my parents my whole life. And even sat them down a few years ago to explain. But again tonight, my mum brought up the subject. And I found myself apologising for not wanting kids and giving excuses.

Anyway, i took a deep breath and - and just told her the sexual preference analogy I gave you above. And I think it might actually have went in this time!

And I honestly feel like I've just came out. (No offence intended to the brave souls on here who are actually gay and have had to do that). It's just how it feels.

And then I apologised, again xD
Anyway am really hoping that font have to have this convo again with them.
Anyone else been through similar?
Or am I just totally weird? xD

Choosing not to have children is not like being gay.

Clearly you missed the part when I said it wasn't a choice but something I know.

Like I might choose to adopt or foster one day, don't think so but it is possible. That part is a choice.

But having babies, not a choice for me. Feels like something a different gender would do. Totally alien concept.

But why don't you just totally ignore my own opinion of who I am again. Makes you seem real tasteful and intelligent.

If you don't want children then that's fine. But procreation is a natural instinct. Without it as a species we'd be screwed. So that's probably why most people react that way. They aren't hating you as a person, they're just reacting because Thier choice is different.
Don't stress about it and don't over explain.
Just change the subject

I think it’s a shame you feel the need to explain yourself and your decisions. And you mum is wrong to bring it up. Its rude when people ask others when they’re having children like it’s a foregone conclusion that they will and anyone who doesn’t want them is making a mistake that needs regularly checking on. Honestly, if she asks again I’d ask her if she had problems understanding the last time we talked about it and if she carried on I’d tell her to piss off. Stop apologising !

Op I'm glad your parents have seemingly understood what you're trying to make them hear. From now on you need to stop apologising. If it comes up again, state "I've already told you Mom, that isn't for me" and move on. Partners be just as direct from the start. If you choose to tell friends just maintain the matter of factness. I understood your sexuality a ology without assuming you were comparing yourself to being gay

OP I'm sorry you've had to explain and justify something that should be straightforward for people to understand. I hope they got it this time.

Thanks all. Yeah normally my dad is the one who brings it up but my mum had had a few wines tonight so...

I think in future I will have to be a little more 'stop bringing it up' if it is asked about or eluded to or hinted at or whatever. Feel I've done all the explaining I can. And you're right, it should have to be explained or justified but I think when it is parents we sorta feel a bit obligated.

Fingers crossed they finally get it.
And I stop feeling any guilt about something that won't change. Think tonight was a breakthrough though :)

I know this is totally different situation as I am a man and don't have the same time restraints as a woman in this regard but I always knew I never wanted kids. Never. For 40 years. I knew that. Adamant.

Right up until the very moment my (now) wife told me she was pregnant...

Bang! Complete volt face. On the spot. I was so happy.

I still don't understand it 18 years and two more kids later.

Aw that's awesome that it worked out that way for you :)

To be fair though, you probably would not have felt the same if it was you carrying the baby xD.

They won't get it and won't stop asking until you are way past childbearing age.

You'd have been better off saying that you are unfortunately medically unable to bear children, find it extremely distressing and would ask that they don't mention it ever again.

Tell your parents to stop being concerned over your uterus.

Some women don’t want children. It’s as simple as that.

Good for you TheSandman but how is that in any way relevant or helpful to OP’s situation?

One of my best friend’s has never wanted children & I get annoyed for her when people can’t seam to accept it including her mother & SIL. More because they feel she’s missing out & would be a great parent.

We’re almost 40 and she still gets comments about it, so if you are a lot younger be prepared for more of the same, for some reason people feel it is acceptable to comment.

Funnily enough there is this guy that seems to be at every wedding n christening I go to (older geezer, must be some sort of distant relative) that at least twice now has asked me along the lines of when I'm planning on settling down and having kids. Both times I waslike 'oh,i dobt want them'. Didn't seem to want to accept it. Got another christening due next year, we'll see if he tries it again. I might just tell him to f*ck off this time if he does haha.

Have had that reaction more from guys than ladies over the years. Tbh I can't think of many women having asked me about it either. Maybe one or two. But mostly its guys. Usually older guys.

Have heard from other women that say it tends to be other women that ask (cough interrogate) them though.

I chose not to have children and told my husband before I married him I wasn't going to get pregnant ever. I come from a big family with loads of cousins who were younger than me and they used to drive me mad at family occasions ... my boy cousins were the worst annoying little buggas always running around messing with my books etc. Anyway after 4 years of marriage I suddenly changed my mind no idea why. I now have grown up daughter and a son as well as little grandson. Best thing I ever did and my family is my world. People do and can change their minds ... I did and I don't regret it at all.

Anyway after 4 years of marriage I suddenly changed my mind no idea why. I now have grown up daughter and a son as well as little grandson. Best thing I ever did and my family is my world. People do and can change their minds ... I did and I don't regret it at all.

Of course people do change their minds but people should accept it when a woman says that she doesn’t want children. If a woman like the OP does change her mind, it’s up to her to tell people she’s changed her mind, not other people to constantly check whether she’s had a rethink and come round to their way of thinking. I can only imagine how frustrating it must be. Slightly different but we have over a 5 year age gap between our kids, from when our first was aged 2, I was constantly asked when I’d be having another. For various reasons, most that I didn’t want to share with anyone, we didn’t know if we’d have a second child. Sometimes a few ‘friends’ would all ask together and say things like ‘you can’t just have one’, even when I’d said we might not be able to have another. I disgraced myself from some of them as they just didn’t seem to understand normal boundaries.

Bold fail. 🙄

disgraced = distanced🙄

I think I need to sleep !

@MonChatEstMagnifique

I have a 4 year gap between my two because I could not afford to have another one straight away and I wasn't working because I wanted to be a stay at home mum. Strange but I only love my children and grandchild other people's children can annoy me and I have no interest in them but just pretend to be interested when someone shows me a baby photo etc.

I'm actually terrified that I'll meet someone I really like one day and he'll decide he wants kids. It's a deal breaker for me and I would have to walk away. But it's hard enough finding someone you like who likes you back and isn't an asshole without having to think of all that! Never been quite sure where to drop it into the convo. 'Hey welcome to our third date, I don't want kids, pass the breadsticks' xD

@Pinkbonbon

I would not worry about that my husband wanted to marry me even though I told him I disliked children and would never have any just a couple of cats. It was me he wanted and loved ... whether or not I had children was not important to him.

You may well never change your mind. I didn’t, and now my fertile years are ending and I’m glad to be rid of them! Own your choice and don’t apologise. It’s okay not to want kids. For some of us I do think it’s just how we’re wired. There have been relationships that have ended along the way because of this, but I would never have had a child for a man, we know who ends up doing all the hard work. My DP was a fence-sitter on the topic and happy enough not to have kids

@Pink, it’s not wildly unusual not to want children. None of my three siblings have had children (and I was happily childfree, with no desire to have any, until I was 40.) Stop apologising and explaining.

@kalinkafoxtrot45

What annoys me is people with children who let them run riot around supermarkets and pubs etc. If ever my children started to disturb other people I would tell them to behave or I would take them home. Luckily they got used to eating out in restaurants and pubs and were always well behaved.

I told my dh that having children was a dealbreaker for me on the second date. Though that was because I ended up.leaving my first husband because wanting children was central to me.

It isn't that I didn't love him. It was that wanting children was a part of me. It wasnt until I fully accepted that NOT wanting children was a part of him that I really came to terms with my own needs. I think the fact that you are clear about your own future makes it much more likely that you'll meet someone who sees their future thr same way. Tbh there are more men than women who dont want children imo so you're in a good position there.