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Original poster

Always known. Always said. But still 'apologising' for not wanting kids.

91 replies

Pinkbonbon · 11/12/2019 00:43

So, I've known since I was a kid that I didn't want kids. At least my own.

I'll try to explain it as I would sexual identity: So, I'm straight, I like men, I have no interest in experimenting. Nor can I 'become' gay. I've known I was straight since I was young. And it's an unchangeable and part of who I am.

There are countless reasons that if it were a choice for me to have kids, I wouldn't choose it. And i find myself stating these time and time again as a defence against those who tell me I should or will want them. But the truth is, they aren't actually relevant to me anyway - Because for me, it isn't a choice not to have children. The notion itself is something totally alien to me. Almost as if a different gender should do it. It just isn't me.

I have been trying to explain this to my parents my whole life. And even sat them down a few years ago to explain. But again tonight, my mum brought up the subject. And I found myself apologising for not wanting kids and giving excuses.

Anyway, i took a deep breath and - and just told her the sexual preference analogy I gave you above. And I think it might actually have went in this time!

And I honestly feel like I've just came out. (No offence intended to the brave souls on here who are actually gay and have had to do that). It's just how it feels.

And then I apologised, again xD
Anyway am really hoping that font have to have this convo again with them.
Anyone else been through similar?
Or am I just totally weird? xD

OP posts:
ScreamingValenta · 11/12/2019 16:36

I'm actually terrified that I'll meet someone I really like one day and he'll decide he wants kids

I've known I didn't want children for as long as I can remember - I was a child myself when I decided this. I have never known a man raise any objections whatsoever to my stance. I'm sure there are some men who actively want to father children, but I think many of them just go along with it for their partner's sake.

ravenmum · 11/12/2019 16:38

I also have a friend (just turned 50) who I went to school with; she always said she would never have kids, she married someone who also didn't want kids, and they didn't have kids. As far as I know they are both delighted it worked out great. Having known her since she was 9, this is exactly what I expected.

I agree that you just have to put it really bluntly and tell people to stop asking as it is boring, repetitive and rude not to listen to and accept what you say.

AlexaAmbidextra · 11/12/2019 16:54

Why oh why, every time a thread like this arises do people who have had an epiphany regarding having children feel compelled to come on here to tell us how they changed their mind?

Those of us who have chosen to be childfree, for our own personal reasons have probably been questioned, doubted, insulted and told we’ll change our minds throughout our entire adult lives. Do you just not get it? We don’t care that you have children and find it wonderful, fulfilling or any other superlative you may choose to use.

Just for once, let us have a childfree thread without parents having to jump in to imply that we really don’t know our own minds and that we’re in some way missing out.

Thoughtlessinengland · 11/12/2019 20:33

having been a dedicated Mum for most of her adult life, it is really very emotionally tough for her to come to terms

Wow. Because she’s used her uterus and her life to make and raise kids she gets to express disappointment over other people’s uteri and life choices and the OP must surely understand? Wow.

Original poster
Pinkbonbon · 11/12/2019 22:21

Midep
I have considered sterilisation and brought it up in passing with my doc but it was sort of laughed off by him. I am 31. Perhaps in a few years they will take me more seriously. I had to come off the pill after ten years recently as it has been fkn with my system but there aren't any men on the scene atm anyway. And I think even if there were I'd be a bloody nun rather than risk babies lol.

flappyfishy I totally get you and I'm sure I would have felt the same as you in those circumstances. Well done for getting through it!

I also disagree with people who say it is 'natural instinct'. Sex might be but not procreating. I think it's more about cultural, social and economic pressures, expectations and norms.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkbonbon · 11/12/2019 22:24

But then again I guess I could argue it is MY natural instinct not to want them so maybe it works the other way sometimes too. But I think it's wrong to say that THE natural instinct is there in everyone to want kids.

OP posts:
Hohonoshow · 11/12/2019 22:29

People need to stop asking you about babies, it's none of their business - and your family May have a vested interest but once you've explained how you feel they should leave it at that. But I think the comparison with being gay/other "gender" stuff is inaccurate and annoying.

CountFosco · 11/12/2019 22:31

Having children is a bit like having a dog. Theure absolutely amazing but it requires a lot of time and dedication and it will change your life completely. Only those who really want them, should have them.

I think there are people who want children who really shouldn't because what they want is not another human to love and nurture to adulthood but a toy or accessory. I think some people who don't want children may end up better parents (if that is what they end up doing) because pre-parenthood they have a realistic idea of the work and effort involved in being a good parent so they go into it with eyes open.

Because she’s used her uterus and her life to make and raise kids she gets to express disappointment over other people’s uteri and life choices and the OP must surely understand?

I think it's acceptable for people to be disappointed that they don't have grandchildren. Randoms don't have a say but I know my Mum found it difficult before she had grandchildren and some of her friends now know they will never be grandparents and it's a real grief, just like childlessness can be a grief for many people. It's the end of your line.

procreation is a natural instinct

No, sex is an instinct, procreation is the consequence.

Chesntoots · 11/12/2019 22:35

This has driven me crazy all my adult life. Never wanted one, had to put up with all the "you will change your mind" and "I never wanted them until I had absolutely perfect bundle of joy" shit from people (actually not the people who know me well!).

It's slowed down as I'm in my 40's and came to a very abrupt stop when I finally managed to wangle an ablation and sterilisation from the hospital last year!!

I'm hopefully having a hysterectomy soon so unless I'm going to gestate it in a cardboard box, people will finally stop with their tedious, patronising bollocks!

Rant over...(until next time)

Original poster
Pinkbonbon · 11/12/2019 22:39

Chesentoots
Amen to that sister!
My personal fave is 'it'll be different when you have your own'. Ahaha umm what!? I mean do they think these things through before they open their mouths?! Cringe.

OP posts:
TooLaidBack27 · 11/12/2019 23:02

I was exactly like you, OP, and did not want children. Got married at 24, had good marriage, that lasted 5 years, but just a thought of having 'something' growing inside me was filling me with dread. Then had another long term relationship with another lovely guy and still did not want children. Then, when I was 36, met my current DP and suddenly everything fell into places! Had another DC at 41, too! Absolutely love my 2 perfect DCs, but still not keen on other peoples' offsprings :)

AlexaAmbidextra · 11/12/2019 23:31

Then, when I was 36, met my current DP and suddenly everything fell into places! Had another DC at 41, too! Absolutely love my 2 perfect DCs, but still not keen on other peoples' offsprings smile

And another one pops up. 🙄. They just can’t stop themselves can they?

Besidesthepoint · 11/12/2019 23:44

How old are you? I found that the questions quieted down when I started approaching 40. (Although I wanted kids but had a lot of misfortune and didn't want to discuss it really).

Original poster
Pinkbonbon · 12/12/2019 00:24

31

I often think ppl who just find themselves doing it like pp: that it may be not so much that things 'fell into place' but more that you just fell into the role expected of you, without thinking on it.

Maybe that was OK for you because tbf it worked out. Bit I'd like to think that if I suddenly decided go against the fundamental nature I've had my whole life, my partner would at least ask if I was alright n wtf I was on not just be like 'rightyo baby time!'.

OP posts:
Helmlover1 · 12/12/2019 00:42

To the poster who said the OP’s mum must be disappointed not to have grandkids, what a horrible, insensitive thing to say. No one is ‘entitled’ to grandkids. I would have liked a sister growing up but I would never have put pressure on my parents to produce one for me or make them feel guilty, because that would have been incredibly selfish and intrusive.

Op, I’m also child free and unapologetic about it. Child free life is great and I just know that if I had kids I would be miserable, stressed and a lot poorer! I know that’s not the case for everyone and that children can bring some people a lot of happiness, but I just know that they are definitely not for me.

Noti23 · 12/12/2019 01:12

I’m sorry, op. I didn’t mean it in that way. It’s more that being gay comes with a real set of prejudices. Of course some people don’t want children in the same way some people want children. It’s more that other people just don’t understand that perspective- which is ridiculous and frustrating.

Noti23 · 12/12/2019 01:31

By the way, I think it’s deeply unpleasant to try and encourage people to have children when they are otherwise very happy in not them. Why force your lifestyle on others? I’ve had a child- knew I always wanted one. Since having one I’ve never loved more but I can also completely understand why someone would rather stay child free!

Noti23 · 12/12/2019 01:32

*having

ThighThighOfthigh · 12/12/2019 01:43

My sister declared she didn't want children when she was a child, she's now mid 50s and has never waivered. I don't think anyone asks her about it though, certainly we don't, she's always been so utterly certain.

Original poster
Pinkbonbon · 12/12/2019 01:46

Noti23 Yeah I getya. But tbh there are certainly real prejudices against women who choose not to have children too.

At least these days you would rightly get slated in modern societies for having a problem with people being gay, but it still seems to be acceptable to imply that women who don't want children are somehow going against nature.

I mean look at this very forum alone, someone has already stated that it is 'natural instinct' to procreate. And of course they weren't being judgy but unfortunately when you think on it some more, it actually has the underlying implication that not wanting to procreate makes you 'unnatural'.

No worries hemlover1 I get where pp was coming from. I feel a sense of guilt knowing that as an only child, the family will be dying out with me and there wont be grandchildren. And she is right, it is only to be expected that my parents would be a little sad about that. I respect there right to feel that way. But you know- it is what it is.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkbonbon · 12/12/2019 01:46

*their right to

OP posts:
JolieOBrien · 12/12/2019 03:59

My friend works in an care home and she tells me there are a lot of elderly people who are childless and have no visitors at all. All their family are dead and they are all alone in the world. I did not have my children to look after me in my old age but I hope they will at least visit me when I am elderly ... It is good to have a family.

JolieOBrien · 12/12/2019 04:01

@Pinkbonbon

Why would you risk having an unnecessary operation? You could have complications and even die .... I have always used contraception and have never got pregnant unless I wanted to.

WatchingTheMoon · 12/12/2019 04:11

I don't think it's ok to compare not wanting children with being gay tbh.
The level of prejudice is nowhere near the same.

Yes, people can be annoying about shit like this, I didn't want children for years and people would always go on about changing my mind (which I did, for the record, not that I'm saying you will) but there aren't people getting beaten up for not wanting children. People don't go to places where childless women congregate and set off bombs.

I get what you're saying but it's a bit flippant to compare the two.

AlexaAmbidextra · 12/12/2019 04:12

My friend works in an care home and she tells me there are a lot of elderly people who are childless and have no visitors at all. All their family are dead and they are all alone in the world. I did not have my children to look after me in my old age but I hope they will at least visit me when I am elderly ... It is good to have a family.

And others who work in care homes will be able to tell you that there are also elderly people in care homes who have children and grandchildren who have no visitors at all. Having children is no guarantee that you won’t be lonely and neglected in old age.

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