Always known. Always said. But still 'apologising' for not wanting kids.

[Pinkbonbon]

So, I've known since I was a kid that I didn't want kids. At least my own.

I'll try to explain it as I would sexual identity: So, I'm straight, I like men, I have no interest in experimenting. Nor can I 'become' gay. I've known I was straight since I was young. And it's an unchangeable and part of who I am.

There are countless reasons that if it were a choice for me to have kids, I wouldn't choose it. And i find myself stating these time and time again as a defence against those who tell me I should or will want them. But the truth is, they aren't actually relevant to me anyway - Because for me, it isn't a choice not to have children. The notion itself is something totally alien to me. Almost as if a different gender should do it. It just isn't me.

I have been trying to explain this to my parents my whole life. And even sat them down a few years ago to explain. But again tonight, my mum brought up the subject. And I found myself apologising for not wanting kids and giving excuses.

Anyway, i took a deep breath and - and just told her the sexual preference analogy I gave you above. And I think it might actually have went in this time!

And I honestly feel like I've just came out. (No offence intended to the brave souls on here who are actually gay and have had to do that). It's just how it feels.

And then I apologised, again xD
Anyway am really hoping that font have to have this convo again with them.
Anyone else been through similar?
Or am I just totally weird? xD

Let's hope your mums finally got it. I have friend who has one dc and anothe friend who every time she saw her asked when she was having another. I had to tell her eventually that first friend confided to me that it took 6 years and 3 miscarriages to get the one she had and she was happy with that. Second friend was upset that she had been going on,but once it was explained everythings good. But no one should have to explain their own actions.

I don't think of it as that unusual - out of my group of ten close female friends six don't have children (and we are late 30s/early 40s).

Of those I would say three are through choice (the others - two didn't meet the right person at the right time, one hasn't been able to yet due to infertility).

I totally get you.

Until I was a god father, I had no intentions of bringing a screaming, puking, shitting machine, into the world.

I always said as an adult, I'd be happy to foster and help them kids having a shit life, to have a nicer one if only for a few months or whatever. I also would say, it has to be over 8, as I don't relate tonany younger.

See, I was brought up in care, and went through 30 different... Foster homes, children's homes and various other establishments. It wasn't a pleasent time, but then it was the same for thousands of kids in the 70s.

So, that obvs tainted my view.

It wasn't until I was late 30s, and my ex's friend had a baby, and named the ex as godmother (I became unofficial godfather). It wasn't until after several weekends of the baby being dropped off and being around her, that I eventually wanted to be part of her life.

Anyways, things changed. I have a new love and stepdaughter n granddaughter, and I love being part of their lives.

My explanation when asked was (as usual for me) blunt n to the point.... Why would I want to bring another baby in to this world, when there are so many unwanted n unloved kids already here! If circumstances change, then I might foster.

Try that one on people in future. You'll find more of an agreement from people. Plus it'll stop you from apologising ... So very British n middle class.

See, I got there in the end‽

Why do you krp writing xD?

So if you aren't even in a relationship? Next time someone asks about you having children just point out you've not met a suitable father (and to your mother say 'surely you'd rather I was childless but happy than trapped with a bad husband and small children). Don't be adament it will never happen, people perceive it as a criticism of their own choices and are offended, or want to (correctly) point out that you are young and might change your mind if you meet the right person. To keep asking a (single!) woman when she is going to have children tells you all you need to know about their views on women and they can be safely ignored. Don't waste your breath trying to justify how you feel to them.

There have already been several people on this thread say they never wanted children until they met the person they wanted to have DC with. I was with DH for over a decade before I changed my mind about having children. We now have 3DC. I still think not having children is a fufilling lifepath and do feel sorry for those who desperately want children but for whom it never happened. Having children is not inevitable.

Towelstripes
It is an on side laughing face. Or meant to be lol. I am not emoji savy.

Macblank
Yeah but the fact is that isn't true. I mean its a perfectly valid point but not my reason for not wanting them. And I'm sick of using other reasons as excuses as to why I don't want them y'know. Rather than the truth that - It 100% just, isnt me.

Tbh, being around kids usually just makes me feel happier about not wanting them lol. But yeah I totally wouldn't rule out fostering older children someday. I don't fancy it now but I recognise it as a choice.

Just the having my own part I won't be doing lol.

I knew late 20s I didn't want children and am late 40s now. It's always been purely my choice and business. I wouldn't entertain anyone telling me otherwise.

I'm with a wonderful bman who also never wanted them. if you meet someone that does, no point getting upset, they are clearly not the man for you.

Maybe I've always been very strong on not wanting them because it's never been an issue or drama for me at all.

Do you have anything against sterilization OP? I had the very simple op at 29 when I knew I wanted no more children. No more discussion needed with anyone. Job done.

Good for you TheSandman but how is that in any way relevant or helpful to OP’s situation?

I think my point, subsequently bought up by other people as well, is 'never say never'.

All we can ever say is, 'I don't want', or 'I can't ever see me wanting'.

People change.

I hated mushrooms as a kid but can't understand why my kids don't love them as much as I do - now.

I don't think your mum should keep bringing it up, and you shouldn't have to keep explaining. It must feel as if they are disappointed in you in some way. They need to accept you for yourself and how you feel. You don't need to say sorry.

TheSandman you’re doing the same thing as OP’s parents. Women are aware we can change our minds. We’re reminded of it monthly. I doubt you give the reverse ‘never say never’ spiel to people who’ve already got children, suggesting they might change their minds and no longer want their children in the future.

Good for you that your wife’s surprise pregnancy changed your mind. It wouldn’t change mine. I know because it already happened and I terminated.

procreation is a natural instinct

I respectfully disagree. I have never wanted children and never felt this instinct. Am I unnatural?

It took me a long time to stop worrying about people who said they didn't want children. For me having children was one of the most important things so I was worried that friends who said they didn't want kids were missing out and would regret it. I'm not sure even a friend who hasn't had kids because she's not met anyone regrets it. She seems happy, is fab with her friends' children, loves her animals and enjoys her life.

If any of mine say they don't want kids, I will support them and not put any pressure on them. If they change their mind or not, it will be up to them.

Even though I wanted kids, my parents were putting pressure on me to have them when I was in my late 20s, then in my 30s, i had too many and they hinted at abortion. It is annoying to have to explain and justify your adult choices even when you know it comes from a good place, they're only concerned about you.

Having children is a bit like having a dog. Theure absolutely amazing but it requires a lot of time and dedication and it will change your life completely. Only those who really want them, should have them.

I'm the same as you OP. I've always known I didn't want children and had all the 'change your mind' stuff and all it did was annoy me.

As it turns out I do have a child but that was a contraception fail and abortion was not for me. And then I was constantly asked when (note: when not if) I was having another one, it would be selfish to only have one etc. Nope.

Don't get me wrong, I love DS with everything I have but I still don't want children. At least now I'm pushing 40, the time when people will stop asking me is getting closer

I can't believe people have come onto this thread to say the equivalent of 'You might change your mind'! That is exactly what the OP is saying she finds annoying!!!!

TheSandman you’re doing the same thing as OP’s parents. Women are aware we can change our minds. We’re reminded of it monthly. I doubt you give the reverse ‘never say never’ spiel to people who’ve already got children, suggesting they might change their minds and no longer want their children in the future.

I don't go round giving any spiel unless other people bring it up first and/or solicit my opinion. I'm not proselytising here or nagging.

I didn't bring the subject up. I'm only 'doing what the OP's parents are doing' if she is in the habit of walking into their house and yelling, "I DON'T WANT KIDS!" - but she doesn't. She said her mum bought up the subject.

Here, the OP bought up the subject.

Big difference.

To clarify - I'm all for the OP not having kids. If that's what she wants. No one should be forced to have them or feel that they are in any way 'wrong' or selfish for not wanting them. The world would be a much better place if there were fewer people in it. I can fully see that.

Totally reasonable not to want children and totally right not to have children if you don't want them.

It is also totally natural for your mother to hanker after grandchildren. I have a friend in your shoes. Her mother is unlikely to have any grandchildren now and, having been a dedicated Mum for most of her adult life, it is really very emotionally tough for her to come to terms with. So while I understand your frustration, I think you also need to be sympathetic to your Mum's hopes. That doesn't change the fact that you must choose what is right fo you. It just means being patient.

Do you have any siblings with kids or who might want them?
My sister doesn't want kids and I know my mum used to get on at her a bit until my other sister had them. So if that's a possibility then they might stop going on about it then.
It's a shame how people constantly moan at women who don't want kids, my best friend is the same and shes always being told she'll change her mind. Maybe she will, maybe she won't (I think she wont!) And that's her business.

• I don't go round giving any spiel unless other people bring it up first and/or solicit my opinion. I'm not proselytising here or nagging.

I didn't bring the subject up. I'm only 'doing what the OP's parents are doing' if she is in the habit of walking into their house and yelling, "I DON'T WANT KIDS!" - but she doesn't. She said her mum bought up the subject.

Here, the OP bought up the subject.

Big difference.*

She was talking about difficulties in explaining how she’s childfree, not her difficulties in deciding if she wants kids or not.

Big difference.

Do you also tell women on infertility threads they might change their minds about wanting a baby on the basis that ‘people change’? Or tell parents on glowy newborn threads that they may change their minds and decide they’ve made a huge mistake in years to come because ‘never say never’?

Probably not, I’m guessing, because it would be a dick move.

Same applies here.

Ugh. Bolding fail.

Not the same thing but we only have one child. Do not want anymore, we only ever wanted one. My dh has had a vasectomy and we still have people telling us we will change our mind, or we need to have more than one child. I don't understand why people are so concerned about how many children other people have.

Do you also tell women on infertility threads they might change their minds about wanting a baby on the basis that ‘people change’? Or tell parents on glowy newborn threads that they may change their minds and decide they’ve made a huge mistake in years to come because ‘never say never’?

Do you just hang around threads looking for people to fight with and then construct hypothetical situations to beat people with?

Probably not, I’m guessing, because it would be a dick move.

Here's another possibility....

When I was 33, I had a fantastic career (still do), financially stable, great relationship and whilst I never had any maternal feelings, "assumed" that if I got pregnant, I'd be happy and overjoyed as, well.... that's what happens, right? People say "I was never maternal and hated kids, but your own are totally different....."

We had unprotected sex once... I got pregnant

By the 7th week of pregnancy I wanted to take my own life, by the 12th week of pregnancy I had such severe antenatal depression I terminated.

Being pregnant was so utterly horrific for me - I had not a single second of happiness, just total and utter despair with a massive dollop of guilt on the side for feeling 'abnormal' and a total freak as why did I feel so unhappy when most women are so happy about being pregnant and having a baby?

I'm now married to my partner, will be 38 next month and have absolutely no desire to EVER try and get pregnant again. It was truly the most dark time of my life and the biggest regret I've ever had. If I had known how I'd react to being pregnant, I would never, ever have tried.

Whilst I know my reaction was extreme, I've since met and spoken to other women who have felt exactly the same as me and that's really helped come to terms with what happened. So, whilst some people may peddle the 'You never know unless you try... it could be so amazing and the best thing you ever do' line (and this may be true). There's a total other side which I can talk about which says, it may be the worst thing you ever do in your life and you only have a limited amount of time to make a decision as to whether you continue down that path, or whether you don't.

Do you just hang around threads looking for people to fight with and then construct hypothetical situations to beat people with?
Probably not, I’m guessing, because it would be a dick move.

I clicked on the thread because it was relevant to me, as a childfree female, who also has to deal with the typical 'you might change your mind' rhetoric that you repeated upthread.

Nice attempt to derail from my point though.