Always known. Always said. But still 'apologising' for not wanting kids.

[Pinkbonbon]

So, I've known since I was a kid that I didn't want kids. At least my own.

I'll try to explain it as I would sexual identity: So, I'm straight, I like men, I have no interest in experimenting. Nor can I 'become' gay. I've known I was straight since I was young. And it's an unchangeable and part of who I am.

There are countless reasons that if it were a choice for me to have kids, I wouldn't choose it. And i find myself stating these time and time again as a defence against those who tell me I should or will want them. But the truth is, they aren't actually relevant to me anyway - Because for me, it isn't a choice not to have children. The notion itself is something totally alien to me. Almost as if a different gender should do it. It just isn't me.

I have been trying to explain this to my parents my whole life. And even sat them down a few years ago to explain. But again tonight, my mum brought up the subject. And I found myself apologising for not wanting kids and giving excuses.

Anyway, i took a deep breath and - and just told her the sexual preference analogy I gave you above. And I think it might actually have went in this time!

And I honestly feel like I've just came out. (No offence intended to the brave souls on here who are actually gay and have had to do that). It's just how it feels.

And then I apologised, again xD
Anyway am really hoping that font have to have this convo again with them.
Anyone else been through similar?
Or am I just totally weird? xD

@AlexaAmbidextra

I know that ... my grandmother had 5 children and loads of grandchildren but she still felt lonely when my grandfather died. She was however never alone at Christmas and would stay with me for over a week. She has been dead for years now and my mother died when she was quite young and at this time of year I do miss them both.

procreation is a natural instinct

You see, this sort of comment really annoys me.

In the past it was common to say 'being attracted to the opposite sex is a natural instinct' were judging homosexually. That is not ok, so why is it ok to decide that women who don't have this procreation instinct are 'not natural..

jolieobrien
It is something I would consider because I've taken the pill for ten years now and I don't like pumping my body full with hormones ect...and obv my body was getting yo the point where it was like 'nope' with them too. Of course surgery sounds drastic but other forms of control aren't without risks either. Eg: Cancer already runs in my family and the pill can increase chances of certain types of that. Also, with an op that would be all the fear of 'accidents' happening gone. I don't know that I would go through with sterilisation but I certainly have been considering it. I think if I was in something longterm and he didn't want to get the snip, i would. But as is I guess there is no rush.

Condoms are not something I want to rely on on their own, I'm sick of hormonal contraception and my best mate got preggers on the coil so...sterilisation has an appeal.

Watchingthemoon true, but they do bomb abortion clinics.

@bumblingbovine49

You see, this sort of comment really annoys me

In the past it was common to say 'being attracted to the opposite sex is a natural instinct' were judging homosexually. That is not ok, so why is it ok to decide that women who don't have this procreation instinct are 'not natural’

Oh fgs
Whether you like it or not, whether you get annoyed or not, it’s a FACT that the majority of all animals do have a natural drive to pro create. Those who don’t ever feel that way aren’t ‘normal’ when it comes to having that drive. Fact.

You know when you really fancy a shag? Yeah that’s the hormones in your body doing their thing to encourage you to have sex to create a baby.

Jesus people get insulted over everything

What is the point in your grandma in a folk home story though?

I mean I just told you it isn't a choice for me its something I know. Part of my identity.

So why on earth is that relevant to me?

Exactly the point I'm trying to get across. People seem to feel the need to say 'this is why you should feel differently'. Umm do you not think I've thought of these things? Sure. That would suck. But once again, there is nothing I can do to change that.

Even if it was just simply weighing up the pros and cons and going 'nah, no thanks' (as it is for many women) it still wouldn't be OK to point put all the reasons why they should feel differently.

Yet time and time again, we have to hear it. Exhausting.

Okay you don’t want kids. That’s completely fine. So what if other people keep asking you? It’s a fact that it isn’t normal to not want kids - nature makes us want them! No point getting offended over that fact because it’s true and your annoyance can’t change that. If people keep asking you just roll your eyes and tell them you’re bored of having the conversation

You absolutely cannot compare not wanting kids to being gay. Some people go 30 years not wanting kids and one day suddenly want them. People do not go 30 years being gay and suddenly decide they’re straight.

If the nhs won’t sterilise you, go private?

I don’t blame the nhs for refusing though. You’re still young

loveaers drive for sex and drive to have kids are not the same thing though.

Humans have higher thinking, we aren't animals. We have choice - and contraception. Sex is often recreational not procreational.

Infact, some people don't have a sex drive either (asexuality).

"Watchingthemoon true, but they do bomb abortion clinics."

What the hell does that have to do with not wanting children? My God, it's a totally different thing altogether.

Not necessarily. If I was being super feminist I could argue that the right wing religious zealots that do such things are all about patriarchal control over the female body and her choice. Under the guise of being pro life.

That's not even super feminist, that is very obviously what they are doing.

It still has nothing to do with women choosing not to have children. Women who want children still have abortions for all sorts of reasons.
Gay men can't walk down the street in some places. They get disowned by their families. I'm assuming you're not down the abortion clinic every month.

Stop making parallels where there aren't any and acting like you live under some heavy burden. Tell people it's not their business and move on with your life.

The parallel was with my OWN sexual identity. I'm most certainly not saying it is the same as being gay or the prejudices gay people face (though there are some prejudices).

I am saying I am straight, I am female and I have always known I wouldn't reproduce and to me those three things are fixed. Innate. Part of what makes me, me.

I’ve never had this conversation with people. I had DD when I was 35 (late compared to other family members) and no one had asked me before then. I had always assumed I wouldn’t have a child, the responsibility seemed off putting. An episode of Woman’s hour planted something in my subconscious that lead to me getting pregnant with DD. I won the lottery with DD and have never felt the need to buy another ticket.

Apologising is part of your problem, you aren’t doing anything wrong. If your parents had difficulty accepting it then it was their problem, never yours.

I think the gay/ straight analogy is weird and unnecessary. So you don’t want kids, what’s the big deal?

Not wanting kids is as big as you want to make it or allow others to make it.

OK, and I'm saying that it is offensive to compare that to being gay.

Apart from a few nosy people who you can just tell to mind their own business, no one cares. It's not even special or interesting anymore to not want children, it is becoming more and more common.

Given the state of the world, I think it's a perfectly rational decision. I sometimes worry whether I made the right choices to be honest.

@AgentJohnson, I’m tickled that Woman’s Hour prompted you to conceive.

This is massively a first world problem isn't it, as around the world and throughout history there will have been plenty of women who did not ever have a desire to have children, but had little or no access to contraception or abortion (or consensual sex, in many cases).
Being asked intrusively whether you will have children is still a minor thing compared to having no veto over your own fertility.