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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

AIBU, abusive behaviour?

80 replies

31weeksgone · 10/12/2019 22:42

Every single day, my partner finds a reason to call me abusive or a bully. I think he does it because he’s projecting.

Anyway today he hadn’t done the washing up which is the ONE job I leave him daily as it’s about the only one he will do of his own accord. I went into the kitchen and as happens nearly everyday, he had half washed up and left the worktops covered in water which runs and ruins the paint.

I pointed this out to him and he said it wasn’t that wet, so I put my hand in it so it was dripping wet and touched his bare arm and said look, it’s dripping wet. (Had sleeves rolled up didn’t get his clothes wet, just water so wouldn’t hurt or stain etc.)

He raises his voice and says “WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING” etc and calls me abusive, tells me I’m abusing him and I’m a bully. For touching him on the arm with a wet hand. That was literally it. It wasn’t hard, wasn’t a scratch or slap, wasn’t chemicals, wasn’t going to stain.

Am I really abusive, for doing that? Starting to doubt myself

OP posts:

SpanishTiles · 10/12/2019 22:46

I think it's time to make your exit. He's a dud.

Sparklesocks · 10/12/2019 22:47

It sounds like he’s trying to gaslight you in all honesty. I would think about moving forward without himZ

Spinderellacutituponetime · 10/12/2019 22:48

Run for the hills!

Thelnebriati · 10/12/2019 22:49

Classic DARVO - Deny, Accuse, Reverse Victim and Offender.
He is the abusive one.
dynamic.uoregon.edu/jjf/defineDARVO.html

newdirectionsshelter.org/red-flags-of-abusive-relationships/

Original poster

31weeksgone · 10/12/2019 22:52

Ugh, and logically I know all of this. Every single day it’s something I do, when he’s actually in the wrong. But I’m not afraid to admit it winds me up and I shout back at him, but because he stays very quiet and calm and tells me I’m abusive and a bully for no reason he gets away with it. I’m halfway through a degree and have no way of financially supporting myself right now, unfortunately. But as soon as I’m done, I’m out. (not even, sick)

OP posts:

PlanDeRaccordement · 10/12/2019 22:53

He did the washing up obediently. It was not necessary to complain about a wet counter top when he’s just been using water to wash up? And then to demonstrate, by putting water on him was unreasonable and goady. I think YABU.

But BU is not abuse. So YANB abusive.

Original poster

31weeksgone · 10/12/2019 22:59

But he had done half of the washing up probably like an hour ago, and then left the worktops absolutely soaking wet, with washing up done and not led around them dripping all down over the paint work. But I’m prepared to hear that I’m bu if that’s what I’m being.

OP posts:

NegroniOnIce · 10/12/2019 23:02

YANBU There’s only one abusive fucker in this relationship and it’s not you.
Ignore the poster who is deliberately not understanding what you are saying

PlanDeRaccordement · 10/12/2019 23:04

What paint work? Kitchen cabinets do not have paint work. They are waterproof so you can wash them anyway. That part I do not understand.

PlanDeRaccordement · 10/12/2019 23:07

I don’t understand how leaving a counter top wet after washing dishes = abuse in a relationship where the one doing the dishes is the breadwinner that works all day supporting a “stay at home student” and funding them to get a degree. This same stay at home student is admitting they are just using them until they graduate and then will leave them after their partner has put them through university.

Original poster

31weeksgone · 10/12/2019 23:10

Our cabinets are paint work, because we re-painted them ourselves, and where they’re drawers under the sink, if they get wet in the cracks of the drawers the paint flakes off and shows the colours underneath. All of which can be avoided by just wiping down the bloody surfaces when you’re finished, not leaving them sopping. Hoping that isn’t totally outing and lots of people have painted their kitchen drawers under the sink

OP posts:

Original poster

31weeksgone · 10/12/2019 23:12

I’m also a full time mum so they can go and work, without childcare bills, but cheers. I never said they were being abusive for not washing up properly, I questioned if I was for touching him with a wet hand. And yes, I am going to leave when I can safely afford to do so with a small child. I’ve admitted that in what I thought was a safe space to do so. Thanks! .

OP posts:

EKGEMS · 10/12/2019 23:13

Here we go once again a contrarian who likes to post over and over and be argumentative and unreasonable.

andpancakesforbreakfast · 10/12/2019 23:16

if my DH was criticising the way I do any chore, I would leave that to him - and more - for at least half a year. Probably more.

You are not abusive, but But as soon as I’m done, I’m out I hope he wakes up and leaves now, instead of wasting time with someone who is only with him for his cash.

What a toxic environment for that poor child stuck in the middle, it's not fair on them.

andpancakesforbreakfast · 10/12/2019 23:17

I’m also a full time mum

most of us are. I also have a full time job on the side, still a mum. HTH.

Emeraldshamrock · 10/12/2019 23:17

Is there a lot of shouting between you? Would it be daily? Does he start shouting and then go quiet?

ItsNovemberNotChristmas · 10/12/2019 23:19

Fuck off pancakes, that is one of the most bullshit posts I've ever seen on here

Original poster

31weeksgone · 10/12/2019 23:20

I know most of us are mums - So if you’re a full time mum, and have a full time job on the side, who has the child if you have no childcare fees and no family to have the child? Because obviously there must be a way I haven’t worked out

OP posts:

Aardvarkitsabloodyaardvark · 10/12/2019 23:21

If it reversed....

sweeneytoddsrazor · 10/12/2019 23:22

I wouldn't say this was abuse, but it does sound like nagging. What other examples are there of him accusing you of bullying?

Sparklesocks · 10/12/2019 23:23

Ignore the posters being deliberately shitty OP. It’s not acceptable for him to shout at you and then claim you’re the bully.

andpancakesforbreakfast · 10/12/2019 23:25

31weeksgone

I am just as much a mum as you when you are doing your degree... even if you only do it whilst your child is asleep obviously.

Emeraldshamrock · 10/12/2019 23:25

How is he otherwise. I grew up in a shouty house, DP didn't he took it very hard in the beginning if we had an tiff he'd be sad for ages, I'd expect him to get over it. Looking back if he was doing it to me I wouldn't like it.
Now we meet in the middle I don't shout in an argument, he doesn't go quiet we talk.
We rarely argue anymore.

MrsBobDylan · 10/12/2019 23:25

Op you seem to be coming in for some unnecessary criticism.

DH and I remind each other about household stuff all the time - your dh's reaction is very OTT for what is quite a mundane, everyday type discussion between a couple. He only needed to say 'oh, is it wet - I don't really worry about that / I'll dry it next time / if you are so bothered you can wipe it yourself.

He sounds unhinged.

andpancakesforbreakfast · 10/12/2019 23:25

It’s not acceptable for him to shout at you and then claim you’re the bully.

according to the OP, it's her who does all the shouting though
But I’m not afraid to admit it winds me up and I shout back at him, but because he stays very quiet and calm....

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