AIBU, abusive behaviour?

[31weeksgone]

Every single day, my partner finds a reason to call me abusive or a bully. I think he does it because he’s projecting.

Anyway today he hadn’t done the washing up which is the ONE job I leave him daily as it’s about the only one he will do of his own accord. I went into the kitchen and as happens nearly everyday, he had half washed up and left the worktops covered in water which runs and ruins the paint.

I pointed this out to him and he said it wasn’t that wet, so I put my hand in it so it was dripping wet and touched his bare arm and said look, it’s dripping wet. (Had sleeves rolled up didn’t get his clothes wet, just water so wouldn’t hurt or stain etc.)

He raises his voice and says “WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING” etc and calls me abusive, tells me I’m abusing him and I’m a bully. For touching him on the arm with a wet hand. That was literally it. It wasn’t hard, wasn’t a scratch or slap, wasn’t chemicals, wasn’t going to stain.

Am I really abusive, for doing that? Starting to doubt myself

I promise, my kitchen really is painted!
I believe you, so is mine, cream last year, this year high gloss grey. Why is a painted cupboard unbelievable.
You seem to have checked out all your options, can you separate into different bed rooms, is the house rented, you go in with DD. Tell him when you both learn to speak respectfully you'll reconsider the temporary separation, if your so abusive he'll be happy with the break.

It literally is that, he has to do nothing, not lift a finger anywhere around the house other than the washing up.

I’ve been paying half the mortgage the past six years even though I’m not on it, so I imagine it’ll be a law pathway for my share of equity and custody unfortunately.

We already sleep in seperate rooms after a while ago I said I love you (been together 7 years) and he said “he didn’t have those feelings yet, but they could still develop” so that told me after 7 years!

So it’s a case of sit and wait it out now as you’ve said. If that makes me a terrible person for “using” his money to provide for my (his!) daughter, then so be it. If I had any other option I wouldn’t be.

We’ve talked many many times about seperating and he’s always said no stay, come back, you don’t have enough money to provide for DC, you need counselling etc and I’ve agreed to counselling if he lets them come to the house to see how he (we) lives but he says no

@Emeraldshamrock thank you! - I blame it on a mixture of previous experience, old trout-able decades, & picking up wisdom from MN.

@31weeksgone - a pleasure, that book was a lifeline to my sanity & sense of self. I am going to do another link to a blog by someone based on the author's work 'typing' several kind of abusers.
Your post which I have highlighted above is concerning.
"You need counselling" is a classic tactic abusers use when they are cramming their partner with doubt & working expertly to undermine their confidence. They equate counselling with "you are wrong in the head for disagreeing with me so you must go & get your brains fixed, so that I can have an agreeable, compliant partner."

It is horribly clear from your post that while he wants to pack you off to the Brain Doctor - so he can tell you & anyone who will listen how wrong & bad you are & what a saint he is for putting up with you - he doesn't want one anywhere near himself. They might see through him. They will see how he lives. Abuse thrives in secrecy, he cannot have any counsellors in his home!

Whatever happens, DO NOT EVER AGREE TO COUPLES COUNSELLING WITH HIM. Lundy Bancroft (book author as per previous link) explains why in his book.
My post is already long enough so I'll let you brace yourself & read that for yourself - but to get to the point, your DP sounds like he might be a mixture of the The Water Torturer & The Drill Sergeant -
intheknowwithro.blogspot.com/2014/02/nine-types-of-abusers-who-are-you.html

Dont take my word for it though. I'm not an expert, & I can only see a snapshot of your life. Read the Lundy Bancroft book &, if I may make a suggestion - accept the counselling your manipulative DP is offering! Just don't go with him, & never, never, never, discuss it with him. If he IS the tiny bully or abuser I suspect him to be, he will be avid to know what happened at your sessions - because he will want to take that information about your pain, weaknesses, fears, whatever, to use against you.

One step at a time my dear, & remember - people who have not lived with an abuser or coercive controller won't always recognise the signs, hence some PP on your thread coming over as accusatory or contrary.

Oh - one more thing & apologies if you already know it - do NOT show him this thread, do NOT mention or let him catch sight of the Lundy Bancroft book, & do NOT discuss with him any plans you have for leaving.

@messolini9 thank you v. v. much. Really does mean a lot.

I’ve been paying half the mortgage the past six years even though I’m not on it
fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK.

so I imagine it’ll be a law pathway for my share of equity and custody unfortunately.
You sound smart - you've kept bank statements proving this, yeah? & keep them away from the house, safe with all the other necessaries like DC & your passports & documents?

When he says he'll "fight you for custody" it's just another dick move.
I'm not saying he won't do it - many abusers do, just for the kicks of upsetting their ex - I am saying he won't stand much of a chance if the only childcare he can demonstrate having provided is doing the washing up.
Also - how does he think he is going to manage it alongside his job? I doubt he'd actually want to take up that domestic burden. If he did, he's had plenty of chance to, all these years his child is actually sharing a house with him, but hasn't bothered to.

OP @ Wed 11-Dec-19 00:42:44

A pleasure, I am only repaying the support I received when ... but that is over a decade ago, & I am safe, & free, & happy xxx

Emeraldshamrock
some of us are replying based on what the OP wrote.. Interesting drip feed though, and that posters are running over themselves to about it

Effectively funding his ability to achieve fatherhood alongside a full-time career, with no other domestic brake to his life other than washing up once a day?

it's miraculous that some of us manage to achieve parenthood alongside full time careers... Do we deserve a much bigger medal then because both parents are working?

Pancakes you must be a really miserable person, to have to continuously pick fault with a thread like this. Well done you for miraculously working 40 hours a week and doing 40 hours childcare AND all (?) amount of housework with no help from your husband. You must be very very satisfied with yourself.

It’s not a drip feed, I’ve answered the questions ffs. If you think I’m unreasonable, that’s fine.

Mussolini
I did not say the OP was a liar. I stated i do not understand what paint work could be ruined by a wet kitchen counter top because kitchen cabinets are water proof so they can be washed. The op responded that they had painted the kitchen cabinets themselves, and that it flakes if it gets wet. I at no point called her a liar. I will say that they must have used the wrong paint on their kitchen cabinets because even painted kitchen cabinets are still waterproof if you use the correct paint and not have done a bad DIY job of it. I could not have predicted a bad DIY job causing the problem.

I did not imagine that men only do domestic chores if asked, the OP stated that it was the one job that she does ask him to do: “Anyway today he hadn’t done the washing up which is the ONE job I leave him daily“.

I stated that I do not see any abuse on either her side. I said I think it is unreasonable to criticise someone doing the washing up for getting a countertop wet and showing them that by rubbing water from the countertop on to their arm. It reminded me of people who rub dog pee on dogs who have accidents. It reminded me of my abusive childhood where if I spilled anything, it was rubbed on me to demonstrate just how shit I was at whatever chore I was doing. But, still one unreasonable act by itself is not abuse.

Op was unreasonable but not abusive.

I'm a bit torn to be honest. If my partner had done what you did then to be honest I would be really annoyed and probably would have felt like he was unnecessarily "getting at me" and probably got defensive too.

@andpancakesforbreakfast it’s miraculous that you have so much time to post unhelpful comments on mumsnet all day considering your ‘full time’ career and childcare routine. How long did it take you to climb up on your high horse?

31weeksgone
where did I say I had no help from my husband?

You are the one who pretend you are a "full time mother" whilst the rest of us aren't.. but you still go to Uni, so how does that work? You take your child with you?

I was also replying to a poster who implied that you don't work as a "favour" for your husband... It's perfectly commendable to be a SAHM, but you don't chose to do it as a favour for the other adult. You don't even like your husband anyway (according to you, how would I know.)

Don't criticise my posts when I reply to your OP and your whole story changes mid-thread..

Bloody hell pancakes, where did I say you weren’t a full time mother? But you’re not a full time childcare giver is what I’ve clarified numerous times, not that you’re magically not a mother when you’re working. But true that you’re not in the house all day long is what I meant given that it was implied I sit at home all day and do nothing, I’m sure given the fact you’ve got children you know that’s simply not true if you’re at home with a child all day. Not sure how my story has changed, it’s stayed exactly the same the whole time... because it’s true.

I do actually take my child with me sometimes yes, when I have to physically pick up a book or drop an assignment in.

@PlanDeRaccordement
I did not say the OP was a liar.
I know. My supposition was that you were conflating your odd contradiction Kitchen cabinets do not have paint work with the OP's description of her paintwork in an attempt to make her statement about them look unreliable, & thus she an unreliable witness about her own relationship.

I'm not interested in the engineering process of kitchen cabinets, more so in the weird left-of-field emergence of such a strange claim from you ... & the intense focus on kitchen furniture while seeming to sail past far more apposite & worrying updates ... Although to labour this point a bit more, not all kitchen cabinets are waterproof either. Your statements are so ... categorical, but not correct!

I said I think it is unreasonable to criticise someone doing the washing up for getting a countertop wet and showing them that by rubbing water from the countertop on to their arm.
You did, but without taking into account that she had mentioned the water to him as she was concerned about her (non-waterproof!) cabinets, & he denied that it was wet. She asked him to look again & he still would not accept a fact plainly before his eyes ... how would YOU feel if someone denied something so obvious? - so she chose to illustrate the wet by using their senses of touch instead of sight.

Bear in mind that he also criticises her housework or herself daily, & gaslights like this frequently. Sure, it's annoying to be told you have not completed a task properly, (as he does to her, daily) but it's the only one he does at home, & any rational, reasonable person would have responded with an 'ooops I'll wipe it up no worries', not a denial that water is wet.

Can you imagine how frustrating, enraging, & eventually frightening it is to always have the evidence of your own eyes contradicted in this way?

It reminded me of people who rub dog pee on dogs who have accidents
I'm with you here. I loathe that behaviour too.
It's not comparable to dabbing a spot of water onto a human arm though. When said human's eyes are refusing to see, & said human's mouth is lying to you.

It reminded me of my abusive childhood where if I spilled anything, it was rubbed on me to demonstrate just how shit I was at whatever chore I was doing
That is awful, & I am sorry you had to live through it. No wonder you felt such a visceral reaction to the episode described.

Op was unreasonable but not abusive
I wouldn't go as far as unreasonable - because if someone won't hear a fact, won't see a fact, it seems logical to let them touch a fact.

But, still one unreasonable act by itself is not abuse.
Agreed.
As opposed to being told daily that your domestic tasks are not being done satisfactorily, daily personal criticisms, & mind games such as the debacle we've been discussing, which is what OP's b/f is doing.

Ok Mussolini. Justify it however you want, but the fact remains you said I called the OP a liar when I unequivocally did not do that and you have now admitted you were the one lying. Thank you for at least admitting that.

We will just have to agree to disagree. I think both op and boyfriend are unreasonable to criticise how the other does household chores. It’s the kind of disdain that eats away at a relationship. I don’t think the op gets to criticise her boyfriend nor he her. I don’t understand why you think it is reasonable for her to criticise him doing chores but him criticising her doing chores is not only unreasonable, but abusive. That’s a double standard. Men and women equally know how to do chores. Neither is not a child in need of guidance and teaching through constructive criticism.

I think you need to read the OP again and stop saying its both of them.

Leaving the kitchen sopping wet is not ''doing chores'', its either strategic incompetence, or trying to pick a row.

Hi @31weeksgone, we're just bobbing onto the thread to let you know that we've moved it over to the Relationships topic - we hope you get lots of useful advice here.

Thanks Lou, I hope the thread has actually been done with as no one need argue over it, but thank you.

Hi OP. I hope you’re not still paying the mortgage if you’re not on it? Stop that immediately! I’m going to be technical/legal here. I’ve studied law and “technically” by definition of law what you did is assault. Touching somebody (regardless of how hard etc) without their agreement is assault. It is in the definition of assault. So in theory you should always seek consent before touching somebody. So in your situation you should have said “is it ok if I touch your arm to show you how wet this side is” anything that involves touching without consent that makes the other person feel threatened is assault. Would a court convict you for touching him with a wet hand? Probably not but you need to stop touching him without getting his explicit consent first. He could use it in any future custody battle eg she consistently assaults me. Stop touching him.

@plumbabe after reading the whole thread, you decided that the op’s partner felt threatened when she touched his arm? That was your take on what happened? He felt threatened by her?

OP please ignore the frankly bonkers and nasty people on this thread. Your partner sounds incredibly difficult and yep, like he is completely unreasonably repeating the same thing. I have a daughter who thankfully now is fine but suffered high anxiety and was INCREDIBLY challenging through the teen years. Every day she would be verbally abusive. When any response was made, she would accuse us of yelling and bullying her. She was 15, she grew out of it, your partner won't.

I think your husband was out of line for shouting at you with f-ing etc. There's a woman I know who's always yelling 'YOU'RE BULLYING ME' at her OH for the whole street to hear. It's just histrionics and bollox. I don't like the sound of your husband and I don't think you're compatible.