AIBU, abusive behaviour?

[31weeksgone]

Every single day, my partner finds a reason to call me abusive or a bully. I think he does it because he’s projecting.

Anyway today he hadn’t done the washing up which is the ONE job I leave him daily as it’s about the only one he will do of his own accord. I went into the kitchen and as happens nearly everyday, he had half washed up and left the worktops covered in water which runs and ruins the paint.

I pointed this out to him and he said it wasn’t that wet, so I put my hand in it so it was dripping wet and touched his bare arm and said look, it’s dripping wet. (Had sleeves rolled up didn’t get his clothes wet, just water so wouldn’t hurt or stain etc.)

He raises his voice and says “WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING” etc and calls me abusive, tells me I’m abusing him and I’m a bully. For touching him on the arm with a wet hand. That was literally it. It wasn’t hard, wasn’t a scratch or slap, wasn’t chemicals, wasn’t going to stain.

Am I really abusive, for doing that? Starting to doubt myself

@31weeksgone She means that working full time doesn't cancel out the fact that she is a mum, full time. She never isn't a mum, therefore full time.

@andpancakesforbreakfast in the post she says:

He raises his voice and says “WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING”

Not sure how that translates to the OP doing all the shouting

Pancakes you’d leave my whole house 99% of the chores undone for half a year because he criticises me daily, where does that get your children when they’re living in mess?

Obviously I’m not going to leave her secure home, in a nice area and then have no money to provide for her whilst trying to secure a very high paid job to provide for her future. She doesn’t see the arguing, it’s only ever when she’s in bed at night.

Again, I never even said he was abusive (although privately I probably do think he is) but I don’t think I am a bully daily. I rarely even see him for him working or me being at university or being out and about with DC. But it’s constantly where are you going/when are you back/who are you texting/ I’ve been away all weekend with work but no you can’t go out for an hour to study in the library etc etc.

So for me to complain (very quietly and politely I may add, not argumentatively, I literally just said yes it is wet and touched him to show him) about 1 thing, a wet surface, I was shocked to hear that I was apparently a bully and abusive from him. So I was just questioning if anyone else or their partners got told they were bullies etc.

Every single day it’s something I do, when he’s actually in the wrong. But I’m not afraid to admit it winds me up and I shout back at him
Is it something you say to him that he has done wrong. Can you give examples.
It does sound abusive, do you treat him like a child, scold him daily for mistakes, it sounds like you don't respect him at all, is he the father of your child?
But I’m not afraid to admit it winds me up and I shout back at him
Again is he shouting to begin with or defending himself.

Okay I see your updated he is similar. Leave.
Btw DC can hear arguments if there is shouting from bed, they also feel tension. He probably knows you're using him until you land a good job.

Ok... what’s the backstory?

You don’t like each other, once at that stage everything is highlighted, I hated the sound of my ex husband breathing by the end of the relationship. If I washed up and it was the inspected for quality control, I would be fuming.

No for example if he’s said for half an hour “oh you’re not doing this correctly today, oh you’re not parenting correctly today, oh you’ve done X wrong today” after about half an hour of constant criticism I’ve shouted at him to say “leave me alone” and then I get told I’m a bully and abusive because I’ve raised my voice. And fair enough I shouldn’t raise my voice but sometimes I just want him to stop critiquing me. For how I’ve dressed our child, or for how clean the house is (yes that’s correct, apparenly I tidy and clean too much which I don’t it’s a normal level he prefers to live messily, my past posts have been about him hoarding) or for where I’ve been that day, or for how much the food shopping came too.

When I said full time mum I literally meant, 90% of the childcare so he can work. Not that any other mother isn’t equal, I used to work when she was smaller before I started my degree.

So for me to complain (very quietly and politely I may add, not argumentatively, I literally just said yes it is wet and touched him to show him)

still don't think you are abusive as such, but you clearly have 0 respect for that man and I am guessing it shows. You can't treat another adult like a child and expect them to smile and nod. It must be unbearable in your house, I wonder if he realises you are only there for his money. You genuinely sound awful with him.

Oh, and or me being at university I thought you were a full time mum whilst someone like me with a job wasn't?

Well this is a snippy thread! Basically OP you are unhappy, you sound like you are very stressed because you are criticised daily. He winds you up and watches you explode like a bottle of pop and then calls you abusive. Is that about right?

Most women on here are advised to get their ducks in a row, save an escape fund and leave when they are able to provide a safe home for their dc. Some can do that in weeks, some in months and for others it’s years. You are being wise not to sacrifice a career by leaving now. My advice to you would be to pick your battles, read up about ‘grey rock’ and try not to let him under your skin.

For the sake of your child, let's hope you either work on your relationship and manage to at least be civil and respectful towards each other, or just leave.

It really isn't healthy for a child

From those examples it sounds horrible constant criticism would wear anyone down.

Pancakes, genuinely how do I sound awful with him 100% of the time for saying a side was wet?

And I only said I was a full time mum too because you implied I was sat around all day doing nothing off of his earnings. Whilst actually I’m doing near all of the childcare and a full time degree too.

Is it worth staying the stress might mess up your studies. How much longer will it take?

Am I really abusive, for doing that?
No. As he refused to believe the clear evidence of his own eyes, then rejected the clear words from your mouth, you offered him another method of ascertaining that yes - water is wet.

Starting to doubt myself
Of course you are you poor sod.
That's what gaslighting is designed to do.
Your gaslighter wants you to believe, for example, that water is not wet. Or that showing him that is it constitues "abuse".

Your instincts are absolutely on the button though.
I think he does it because he’s projecting.

Ignore PP above who seems to have sidestepped his shouting, or his daily name-calling. Read this instead - www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

@31weeksgone Pancakes likes to play Devil's advocate.

Exactly messolini9 he made me feel like I was going mad by saying it wasn’t wet when it was clearly dripping, so I just tried to show him.

It’s another 2 years, a v long degree unfortunately because of a built in masters, but it’ll be worth it for my little girl in the end. Trying not to let it stress me but it’s unavoidable. We’ve talked many many times about seperating and he’s always said no stay, come back, you don’t have enough money to provide for DC, you need counselling etc and I’ve agreed to counselling if he lets them come to the house to see how he (we) lives but he says no. So he almost has the upper hand because he knows I’m staying put for the next two years whichever way because my parents are too poorly to have me back and it’s not their responsibility but the degree I’m doing doesn’t really cater for work around it and childcare and study. So I’ve just got to stick it out for now. I just wanted to get my feelings out and see if I was indeed going mad and abusive for touching someone’s arm with water or not.

Thank you for the book, I will read what I can

@messolini9 You're good.
Does he know he is very critical. Is he willing to change, I'd even do relate not to fix the relationship long term but to make it bearable for the forseeable.

And ... we have ANOTHER gaslighter!
Kitchen cabinets do not have paint work.

OK maybe not an Actual, Factual gaslighter.
Just someone who likes to proclaim a 'fact', i.e their opinion or extremely limited knowledge of the world, using what they fondly believe to be their superior knowledge to beat up their targeted 'Fact'-ee.

I have lived in several houses which have had painted kitchen cabinets. Even if I hadn't, & naively believed @PlanDeRaccordement's ridiculous claim, it's interesting how s/he seems to believe that by proclaiming the OP a determined liar about her kitchen furnishings, s/he can also somehow minimise OP's right to wonder if she is in an abusive relationship.

Oh the you need counselling line from him is infuriating unless he is a psychologist. Tell him you both do.
Do you have family near by, would you be entitled to benefit as a single mother.
It would only be short term and peace of mind is priceless.

He did the washing up obediently

Obediently? OBEDIENTLY?!!!
Ha ha ha ha HA HA HA HA

@PlanDeRaccordement, do you think all men who perform domestic tasks are doing them because someone else told them to?

Or are you just looking to sneakily imply that the OP is some kind of termagant, evilly supervising her poor bullied DP as he labours at the kitchen coalface?

I keep looking into benefits, for the short term whilst I complete my degree but because of my student loan somehow they don’t seem compatible, but it’s not enough to live on in the very very affluent city I live in, I don’t want to move because of various reasons - like uni, because he says he will fight for custody, and my parents are already an hour away (and very poorly) as it is. But I will keep looking into it. Thank you for talking, it’s been helpful.

I promise, my kitchen really is painted!

where the one doing the dishes is the breadwinner that works all day supporting a “stay at home student” and funding them to get a degree.

Gordon Bennett, @PlanDeRaccordement got another 'Fact' under her/his bonnet.

How about the one who does every single other domestic duty, who has put her career, earning power & pension contributions on hold to give the dishwasher children, & who for all you know has paid her share or more prior to pregnancy, & now raises his children for him?
Effectively funding his ability to achieve fatherhood alongside a full-time career, with no other domestic brake to his life other than washing up once a day?