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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

why is my wife unable to say she's sorry

87 replies

beechwood85 · 10/12/2019 18:48

My wife never says sorry for anything, just wondered why?, is it common? or normal?

I.E. Se was an hour late picking me up from the airport recently, not one sorry I'm late, I was caught in traffic, got held up etc. Another one was accusing me of losing some keys several times in 1/2 hour, when I proved I hadn't because they were actually in her bag, not a oh sorry, just nothing.

But when I really think about it I cannot think of one situation where she has said sorry for something.

OP posts:
WellErrr · 10/12/2019 18:49

Ask her?

Honeyroar · 10/12/2019 18:50

Have you ever asked her? It sounds very arrogant on her part.

Original poster
beechwood85 · 10/12/2019 18:54

If I mention it I'm shot down in flames, so tend to just keep quiet about it rather than argue.

OP posts:
Original poster
beechwood85 · 10/12/2019 18:55

more wondering if it is some sort of personality disorder.

OP posts:
fromthefloorboardsup · 10/12/2019 18:58

She just sounds rude to me. Or like she doesn't actually care. DP once told me I never needed to apologise to him but I disagreed - I think apologies are necessary when you're in the wrong and I have a lot of respect when people do apologise

ConfidenceCrisis44 · 10/12/2019 18:58

My ex DH is the same. I found it infuriatingly hurtful. It was pure defensiveness on his part, he just could not be seen to be in the wrong. He has hyper critical parents who are always on at him about some misdemeanour or other so have wondered if it's connected to that.

Honeyroar · 10/12/2019 19:08

I don’t think it’s a disorder. She’s just bloody rude and taking you for granted.

Jiggles101 · 10/12/2019 19:18

I think there's a bit more to having a personality disorder than just not saying sorry!

misspiggy19 · 10/12/2019 19:20

She doesn’t care about you or your feelings.

plumbabe · 10/12/2019 19:20

She’s just arrogant and rude. I can’t bear people like that

luckygreeneyes · 10/12/2019 19:20

No idea but my DH is the same, it really infuriates me.

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 10/12/2019 19:21

I find it very very hard to say sorry. I am autistic and I think it’s linked to that. I don't cope very well with being wrong and by saying sorry I’d be admitting I was wrong. Or something weird like that.

Thefaceofboe · 10/12/2019 19:23

My boyfriends the same... and if he does apologise it’s stroppy and clearly doesn’t mean it.

HamAndPineapple · 10/12/2019 19:23

My mum is like this
It is so frustrating.

BetterWithCheddar · 10/12/2019 19:24

My friend ex is like this, cannot admit he is wrong or say sorry for anything.

BetterWithCheddar · 10/12/2019 19:25

Not sure where friend came from. He's my ex husband and his disregard for my feelings and the lack of respect or remorse is why I'm divorcing him.

ISmellBabies · 10/12/2019 19:27

This reply has been deleted

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AFistfulofDolores1 · 10/12/2019 19:27

I think being unable or unwilling to apologise is a fatal flaw in any relationship. It's arrogant - and either means the person believes they're right, or they are so armoured that they can't deal with the vulnerability of being wrong.

HamAndPineapple · 10/12/2019 19:30

It isnt as simple as being arrogant and rude.

My mum's default narrative if you like is that she is the victim. I see this in her life. She over identifies with her orphan and has not stepped out of her comfort zone to get in touch with any sort of warrior.

Whenever i ask her not to erode one of my boundaries, ie, answering on behalf of me as though i were a child, letting herself in to my house... when i ask her not to do these things she pulls out the martyr beast card.

It shuts down all communication really.

If the start and end point is always that she is the victim of me whenever i try to assert a boundary, then there is never a resolution!
I couldnt be married to somebody like this.

ShamefulBlanket · 10/12/2019 19:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/12/2019 19:31

If you’re unhappy and constantly on eggshells this isn’t a healthy relationship and you can end it OP.

HamAndPineapple · 10/12/2019 19:31

" they cant deal with the vulnerability of being wrong"

Yes yes

1WayOrAnother · 10/12/2019 19:35

Personality disorder is a complex issue that needs to be diagnosed by a psychiatrist. This is just rude, stop trying to find excuses for her and tell her her behaviour impacts on you. She needs to take responsibility for her own actions.

CountYourRoosters · 10/12/2019 19:38

how the fuck would we know?
Jesus! Are you her long lost sister or something? He asked for opinions on whether it's common or normal, which is pretty much the purpose of a public forum.

OP, as others have said it could be arrogance, rudeness, or something deeper like others have said. I actually used to be like this as a teenager (I've obviously grown out of it as an adult though!) where I felt apologising was a sign of weakness, a defensive thing, an unwillingness to ever show that you're wrong about something as it opens up the opportunity for people to take advantage of it.

I don't know what the answer is except to broach it in a non-confrontational way and explain to her that you're not critising her, but it makes you feel really shitty as if you're not worth much

5LeafClover · 10/12/2019 19:38

My ex was like this. If pushed, he could just about manage sorry but...( insert reason why it was my fault). Horrible.