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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

why is my wife unable to say she's sorry

87 replies

beechwood85 · 10/12/2019 18:48

My wife never says sorry for anything, just wondered why?, is it common? or normal?

I.E. Se was an hour late picking me up from the airport recently, not one sorry I'm late, I was caught in traffic, got held up etc. Another one was accusing me of losing some keys several times in 1/2 hour, when I proved I hadn't because they were actually in her bag, not a oh sorry, just nothing.

But when I really think about it I cannot think of one situation where she has said sorry for something.

OP posts:
sparkle67 · 11/12/2019 08:58

@HamAndPineapple also... narcissism

MissChanandalaBong · 11/12/2019 09:41

My SIL is just like this. Will not apologise ever. My sister threw me a surprise baby shower at an afternoon cream tea venue which only allows you to have the table for 2 hours. My SIL knew this. She was bringing my MIL, niece and other SIL (half the guests) with her in her car. She chose not to get ready in decent time to leave, she picked everyone up at the time they were supposed to be arriving at the venue, then got stuck in traffic that my dh had warned her about hours before, then stopped at a shop to get me a card, then got stuck in more traffic. They arrived an hour late. My MIL was furious with her. Everyone apologised for being late except the person who had caused it. She just waltzed in and sat down and didn't even acknowledge how late she was, just said that the traffic was bad. My mum pointed out that we'd all managed to arrive on time despite being caught in the same traffic but even that didn't prompt an apology.

She also accuses people of losing stuff that they haven't touched, of doing things they haven't done, she's rude and never apologises for what she's said. She also gets defensive if tackled about it and always had some odd excuse or reason to explain why she isn't wrong. She's also one on those people who always thinks they're right. Even in the face of evidence that proves what they're saying is wrong. Some people just can't be "wrong" or accept responsibility for their actions I'm afraid.

Skittlesandbeer · 11/12/2019 09:44

I’m the only person in my family of origin that apologises. From the casual ‘oops’ style, to the bigger ‘I did the wrong thing by you all those years ago’ type of sorry. None of them. Ever.

I must say that I pride myself on learning to say sorry (and mean it). Sometimes I can’t help making fun of my family members, when the obvious ‘sorry’ is just hanging there in the air, unclaimed! I’ve even been known to answer with a long heartfelt acceptance of their apology- when they never actually offered one.

I intend one day to get so annoying to them that they chose a simple ‘sorry’ as the easier option. Wink

That said, I do have a friend who although is physically incapable of uttering even a teeny apology, always makes up for the ‘offense’ in other ways. Usually more than was warranted. She puts in effort which tells me she’s sorry, as long as I don’t call her on it, and it all balances out in the end.

I guess I’m saying be sure that your wife isn’t conscious of her fault and showing it by going beyond in other areas of your life together? Plenty of people are quick with empty apologies, not so many try and make up for it.

And also- someone picking you up from the airport is generally doing you a favour. Wives included. I’m not convinced she owes you an apology on that one. If she’s not enthusiastic or punctual enough, take public transport or a taxi.

Windmillwhirl · 11/12/2019 09:50

She's rude and disrespectful. That doesn't necessarily make her a narcissist.

She clearly has very little respect for you op. As you've always accepted it, she sees no reason to treat you better.

LobsterQuadrille2 · 11/12/2019 09:57

@HamAndPineapple @JohnLewisIain my mother too. My father was exactly the same. It doesn't make it acceptable but I can see what the OP means that it's for some reason vaguely reassuring that this is a common problem. I had an ex like this too. I was quite convinced that everything about our relationship really was my fault, because I ended up apologising for anything and everything just to keep the peace, even though I'd forgotten why he'd stopped speaking to me for a week.

In fact I joined MN to try to figure this out. I was told to run for the hills and thought that everyone was being nice and didn't realise that I must be an awful person.

I make sure that I apologise to DD when I am wrong.

Michellelovesizzy · 12/12/2019 09:33

I think i am like this..... i will say sorry 4 little things like bein late. But any major row i have had with oh havent said sorry.

Dacquoise · 12/12/2019 10:07

That's not a great trait Beechwood. I think the ability to apologise demonstrates humility in acknowledging either you got it wrong or that you are sorry to have upset someone. We all mess up at times, that's what makes us human. Not apologising gives the message that they are either always 'right' or your feelings don't matter which is a narcissistic trait.

dontmentionbookclub · 12/12/2019 10:21

This is making me feel better about my DH as he never apologises for anything major. He would rather pretend he can't remember or I'm twisting things than actually just say sorry. If ask him if he is going to apologise, he will say 'why should I?' And then it's a full blown row when I tell him.

lottiegarbanzo · 12/12/2019 10:22

It's common amongst arrogant arseholes and people who don't respect you. How exactly does that help you OP?

CharlotteMD · 12/12/2019 10:34

I simply wouldn't tolerate being treated like this. It's a pronounced flaw in her character. It displays an arrogant lack of respect and you really shouldn't have to put up with it. I would take her to one side and reiterate exactly how rude and unpleasant her manners are. If she does nothing to address her behaviour then I would start getting my ducks in a row and make sure I was fully prepared to correct the situation myself.

CharlotteMD · 12/12/2019 10:36

lottiegarbanzo : by being not so much of a ref flag but more of a sign post FYGWIM.

BlastEndedSkrewt · 12/12/2019 10:50

such a hard thread to read - I find it really hard to apologise & when I know I am wrong or haven't been nice I just feel incredibly guilty which spirals into finding it harder & harder to say sorry so i'll just hide away somewhere until everything is ok again.

Reading this thread has made me realise I really really have to work on this

AgeLikeWine · 12/12/2019 10:55

She is arrogant, rude, ill-mannered and disrespectful.

It is likely to be an issue in her upbringing. Manners matter, and people do notice and they do judge.

ringme · 12/12/2019 10:57

Where is she from OP? Some cultures - they’re brought up not to say sorry (or please or thank you) as much as in the UK.

Had a colleague like this - she annoyed me no end but begrudgingly understood even if I didn’t like the answer when I pointed it out to her.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 12/12/2019 11:04

Do you apologise to her? What happens if you don't apologise for something you've done?

Dacquoise · 12/12/2019 11:14

@BlastEndedSkrewt, don't be hard on yourself. Recognising you need to work on it is great and will help your relationships. It's probably a defence mechanism you've developed that need adjusting to show a bit of vulnerability to those closest to you. Like I said we're all human, we all cock up at times.

lottiegarbanzo · 12/12/2019 12:03

BlastEndedSkrewt and others who feel extreme shame. This is how my dd was aged 3, she'd freeze, turn her face away, or run away. It does take learning and practice to 'do apologising'.

As an adult though, you mst be able to recognise that the issue when you hurt someone, is the other person's pain. That is more important than your feelings of shame.

That's why learning to apologise directly, sincerely and automatically (sounds contradictory but isn't), helps you. It becomes a reflex and it deals with the situation immediately, before you have time to start feeling uncomfortable about it.

I'm afraid that running away doesn't make the situation go away, it just entrenches other people's feelings that you care little for them.

Emeraldshamrock · 12/12/2019 12:09

Some people lack manners without realising.
My Dsis is well off so hard to buy for. She rarely says thanks to anyone.
I bought her DD beautiful unicorn prints for her new room, Dsis asked did you get them off wish. I said I bought them in the fancy art shop her reply was oh. Crown Confused I have pulled her up on it lots of times I don't care if she gets cranky, her DD aged 4 never says thank you either.
Manners are free.

Frustratedandworried · 12/12/2019 12:17

I am autistic and find apologising something I have to make a conscious effort to do simply because my thinking is very black and white and once I decide on something " I'm right" and therefore wouldnt need to apologise. As I've gotten older I've learnt the importance of apologising but have to again work hard to make sure I phrase it so it doesnt lose meaning. Often I'm sorry the person is feeling hurt / sad / upset but rarely sorry for the action that caused it.

lottiegarbanzo · 12/12/2019 12:20

Genuinely curious Frustrated but what about when you're wrong?

You must be aware that you are not omniscient, so be able to conceive of a situation in which you 'decide you're right' but make a mistake, so are, in fact, wrong.

90schic · 12/12/2019 12:21

My dad never apologises it drives me INSANE! I think some people are just incapable of seeing things from someone else’s perspective. She sounds hard work OP !

Frustratedandworried · 12/12/2019 12:27

Lottiegarbanzo .. its tricky because perhaps arrogantly usually any situation where I'm " wrong" involves a contributory factor whereby blame is excused from me if that makes any sense? Sorry I'm not very articulate Blush

I know I make mistakes but usually it's not in my nature to think it's something I've done.

Ie recently I arrived at an appointment on the wrong day. I arrived on the date I was verbally told to arrive...however they had sent a letter with an amended date. I became quite upset because it was a change in my routine and my DH pointed out it was my error as I didnt read the letter correctly. However I'm adamant I was verbally told a date and they had no way to know if I would receive the letter thus it wasnt my fault.

I know this sounds incredibly arrogant but thankfully I can manage to conceal it mainly as i know it's not an attractive quality but it's just me

Frustratedandworried · 12/12/2019 12:28

Ps.as 90s chic says I find seeing things from other peoples perspective incredibly difficult

I do apologise... I just have to make a conscious effort to do so.

lottiegarbanzo · 12/12/2019 12:46

Well in that instance, you lost out, as your time was wasted, so that's more a case of needing to apologise to yourself for not reading the letter properly and calling to check if unsure. You didn't cause pain to anyone else (perhaps you did by getting cross with them).

The way I see what you're describing, is that what you call 'external contributory factors', most people would call 'casting around for excuses'.

Does it matter to you that other people aren't fooled by your belief that you're right? They don't agree that you are.

I find that interesting because I know someone who is obsessed with 'being right' but actually, with her, it isn't about actually being right, or even about 'being seen to be right' as she plainly isn't by those around her. It is about 'being able to believe herself to be right, despite all evidence and other people's belief to the contrary'. More like confabulation. She isn't autistic.

75Renarde · 12/12/2019 13:01

@lottie

Great words. Especially like your point 'casting around for excuses'.

Generally, people do this a lot and most genuinely believe they are doing the right thing. Often, they are not. In fact in some cases it can make matters worse.

A few have said narc. Possibly. Possibly. But there isnt enough in any of the OPs posts to be definitive.

Can you tell us more OP. Are you happy, generally or is this just a niggle?