why is my wife unable to say she's sorry

[beechwood85]

My wife never says sorry for anything, just wondered why?, is it common? or normal?

I.E. Se was an hour late picking me up from the airport recently, not one sorry I'm late, I was caught in traffic, got held up etc. Another one was accusing me of losing some keys several times in 1/2 hour, when I proved I hadn't because they were actually in her bag, not a oh sorry, just nothing.

But when I really think about it I cannot think of one situation where she has said sorry for something.

That's a really interesting point and not something I've thought about particularly... how other people perceive it. I'm not generally bothered by if people think I'm correct or not however I do become concerned with if people think I'm a kind / unkind, rude / polite person and that usually influences how far I make my point about being right. I definitely know when to keep my mouth shut even if I think I'm right as others may not agree and I wouldnt want to appear rude. Having said that I also have been known to correct people because they are wrong when others may keep quiet... mainly because I often miss the subtle social cues that should tell me to remain quiet!

I think perhaps this a huge reason I rarely socialise outside of people who know me and understand I'm not a terrible person I just think differently.

The casting around for excuses point... I agree the reality could be that..I just dont see it that way in the moment. I'm not that bothered If others agree that I'm right / not right but there could be some truth in needing to convince myself I'm right. I had a traumatic childhood and lots of my ASD behaviours I was disciplined for so felt like I got everything wrong. It's not inconceivable that this has contributed to a more severe need to feel like I'm right.

That's interesting. So for you, it's more about creating a coherent internal reality / narrative for yourself. It doens't really matter to you, how closely that matches external / objective reality.

If I've understood you correctly?

I think I'm confusing myself for me it does match the external reality but I understand how I perceive it may be different to others perceive it.

I'm very careful with any decision making etc and so the opportunity for me to be " wrong" in practical terms can be limited. I can appreciate at times I could of made better decisions but always default to I made the best decision with the information I had available at the time.

Again apologies for not being articulate. I hadn't realised how hard I would find it to explain!

I'm def not an outwardly " I'm always right" person... many people wouldnt know that's how I feel internally

No, don't apologise It's really interesting to be able to gain an insight into your thinking.

The nature of real life 'always right / never apologising' people, is that they're not keen on explaining themselves, especially as the issue only arises when there's some conflict.

I think apologising is really interesting. I think in terms of a relationship, asking yourself why you need an apology is important. What will the other person apologising do to you and your sense of self.

I have someone in my life is a chronic apologiser but doesn't change their behaviour. I am teaching my children that an apology without a change of behaviour is simply a manipulation. Don't apologise unless you really mean it and intend to change your behaviour in the future. But that if you do something that hurts another human being intentionally or unintentionally you should take steps to ensure it doesn't happen again.

I agree that for many people an apology is too difficult for their broken sense of self to cope with. If I knew someone like this and I loved the I would be supporting them to deal with that brokenness as much as my own mental health would allow.

more wondering if it is some sort of personality disorder

Yes, it's called being a very rude and arrogant person. She has no manners.

This would be unbearable for me. It clearly is a complex issue. Part of the brain just not wired correctly?

Ime people who do this have either learnt that bad things happen to them if they admit to being wrong, or have rigidly disordered thinking often arising from eg ASD which means that admitting to being wrong causes them anxiety.

This thread has led me to ask my DH how he feels about my personality and knowing how hard I find it to apologise in the way neurotypical people do. He said many years ago when we first met he found it very difficult and verging on arrogant however he now understands why I find it difficult. He said hes very pleased I've learnt that saying sorry doesnt mean I'm admitting I'm wrong but that I've caused upset and recognise how what I've said has upset him. Before he says I would focus wholly on if my action was wrong / right rather than the effect of my actions.

So it seems I've made progress

He also noted that in could easily recognise when an apology was needed for a physical action but clearly it's the opinion / someone else's perspective action that I find hard.

If I hit someone ( I wouldnt!) I know that I would and should apologise as the action of hitting someone is wrong.

If we have a disagreement over parenting ...I find it harder to apologise as my opinion doesnt tend to change. I will however apologise for being rude / grumpy / judgemental in how I deliver that opinion!

My ex never apologises for anything. He has higher than average levels of narcissism.

I apologise for everything, even when it's not my fault. He used to exploit this all the time.

DP's ex never apologises either. She's just rude and horrible. The biggest problem is that she's passing her horrible, rude traits on to the DSC. they're both dreadful at apologising (and asking nicely for anything). DSD in particular will sulk for hours and go out of her way to avoid apologising. We're trying to work on it because it's not a trait to encourage.