why is my wife unable to say she's sorry

[beechwood85]

My wife never says sorry for anything, just wondered why?, is it common? or normal?

I.E. Se was an hour late picking me up from the airport recently, not one sorry I'm late, I was caught in traffic, got held up etc. Another one was accusing me of losing some keys several times in 1/2 hour, when I proved I hadn't because they were actually in her bag, not a oh sorry, just nothing.

But when I really think about it I cannot think of one situation where she has said sorry for something.

Just to add, he could also be late in units of hours too.

I get pulled up for this ... I find it quite hard to apologise. I do do it but I’m told it comes across as fake. I find it really hard to back down for some reason, go into defensive mode if OH seems annoyed. If he is nice to me or just looks hurt rather than angry I find it easier to apologise. Are you visibly annoyed with her when you want an apology ?

It’s awful being with someone like this. My ex-h couldn’t say sorry and would gaslight me into thinking everything was my fault even when it was quite clearly his. I believe that like our DS, he is autistic and I have often wondered if that is anything to do with it. Consequently I am teaching our DS that saying sorry is important when you’re wrong. I don’t know what the answer is. It’s utterly infuriating, disrespectful and arrogant. It’s really down to you if you can live with it. You have my sympathy.

DH thinks you say sorry when you've done something you shouldn't, something intentional.

He's gradually getting to accept that sorry isn't an admission of appalling guilt and wrongdoing.

Dh cant say sorry. He always says "I apologise for xyz..." so can admit he's wrong, he just cannot use the 's' word. I find it infuriating as I find "I apologise" so insincere. On the flip, people used to get annoyed with means I say sorry over everything. Apparently there is a fine balance between not enough and too much

I knew someone who couldn't say sorry. They were lovely in so many other ways but found it very difficult to admit being at fault. I think it was a form of insecurity rather than arrogance in that case.

Does she expect you to apologise? And what happens if you dont

She wont change so give her a bit of her own medicine!

I have begun to find it annoying the last few years as it seems so petty, and there is no harm in saying it, its just politeness. I'm easy going, and would not use it in any way against her. As some posters have mentioned, she is defensive on the odd occasion I have said something. I tend to laugh it off and just say I accept your apology, when she hasn't said it, but this also sets her off. She does have mood swings, and can be brusque, which is probably part of it.

beechwood85

If I mention it I'm shot down in flames, so tend to just keep quiet about it rather than argue.

^ there is your answer! She doesn’t respect you because you are weak in her mind (you think ‘easy going’. She resents you for that and so doesn’t feel able to look on you as an equal and apologise!

Narcissists don't apologise.

My DP is like this. He can't admit he's done something wrong. He won't say sorry, he'll reinvent reality instead. It's strange as it's at odds with the rest of his personality, which is genuinely kind and caring.

My cod psychology is this: DP has a self image that he's a good guy. (And he very much is, mostly). He has to maintain that image or he's a failure (in his own eyes). On the occasions I push it and said - no, actually you are in the wrong, and he's accepted that, it's then been accompanied by massive self-flagellation, which isn't at all helpful.

So, he's never been able to say, genuinely, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do that. Don't worry, I won't do it again", It's either some version of "I didn't do that" or "that didn't happen" or "it's not important" or just avoiding the conversation completely. OR it's "I'm sorry I'm such a useless c*, I'm totally worthless". It's infuriating as self flagellation is no use to me, and nowhere in this is any genuine self reflection or desire to make things better for me. I can understand why he avoids being in the wrong as it's so painful for him. But I don't understand why he can't see this and just learn to say "sorry I fucked up" and it be no big deal.

I'm starting to suspect it's something really deep seated as I can see my 6yo DD is the same, and has been from a very young age. I don't think it's learnt behaviour. She's terrified of being in the wrong. She can say sorry now, but it took a lot of work on my part - if she needed to apologise to someone she'd totally freak out and I'd have to talk her down until we could go apologise to them together, me holding her hand. That's helped as she can say sorry with only a bit of encouragement now. She still freaks if she does something wrong unexpectedly though. For example if she knocked over a chair and it hurt another child and she knew it was her fault, the child screaming the most would likely be my DD, not the hurt child. I've seen her sob uncontrollably when something like this has happened.

I'm working on helping DD with it. DP is as he is. He can't even talk about it as he sees that as criticism, which he does whatever he can to avoid, so we go in circles. I find it very frustrating and hard to deal with.

We have ASD in the family. I thought it was just from my side, but I'm starting to wonder if perhaps DP and DD have traits also.

Narcissists don't apologise

Good point. But also, it's not only narcs who have an issue with apologising.

My ex-husband never said sorry in 27 years, not even when he freely admitted that he had tried to kill me. Still a sorry never passed his lips and he was truly awful, a nasty, violent drunk. Some people are just made that way. I can honestly sympathise with your situation. I divorced him.

My mum is like this, I have never in my life heard her utter the word sorry.

My mother is like this. She will say a half-muttered, awkward sorry now, about something trivial such as a mis-understanding/mis placing something, but that's as far as it goes. As for behaving like a cow, mostly to me or my sister, she never EVER acknowledges there is even a problem. I'm used to it at 32 but it infuriates me how she treats my 17 nearly 18 year old sister.
We've come to learn it's her personality and she will never/is unable to change. It's like certain parts of a normal personality/brain are 'missing'.

DH cannot say sorry. It seems odd to me as it so easy to do and makes people feel better. I've explained to DH that sometimes I need to hear that he is sorry to get past something. But honestly it's such a piss poor apology it rarely helps.

He says he's already so cross with himself for getting it wrong that he doesn't need to apologize. He's wrong.

My husband and I are both like this. We do have a lack of respect for each other and I think it's linked. We are also both extremely stubborn, are usually utterly convinced we're in the right and find it very difficult to see things from each other's point of view. We are working on these things!

Maybe your wife has one, or all, of these issues going on?

So it is actually quite common, that helps a bit.

It is linked to toxic shame.

You actually have to believe in yourself to be able to say sorry.

"There is shame that is normal and healthy and shame that is toxic. In Healing the Shame That Binds You, John Bradshaw presents some points that I think are key to helping us understand shame.

Bradshaw suggests that healthy shame is a normal human emotion that lets us know we are limited, which is part of our humanity. It signals us about our limits and motivates us to meet our basic needs. By knowing our limits and finding ways to use our energy more effectively, healthy shame can give us a form of personal power.

Healthy shame does not allow us to believe we “know it all” but spurs us to make significant life changes. In knowing that we have made mistakes and are not perfect or always right, we can continue to strive to grow and discover.

Toxic shame’s flawed self

Bradshaw describes toxic shame as more than an emotion that signals human limits; rather, it creates beliefs that one’s true self is defective and flawed, creating a false sense that one is defective as a human being. If this false premise of defectiveness is believed, then he or she tends to create a false self that is not defective or flawed. Once someone creates a false-self, then he or she ceases to be an authentic human being. Another psychologist author, the late Alice Miller calls this “soul-murder.”

youngmanwithwhitemask
Chronic shame can cause someone to create a persona or false self.
Chronic toxic shame and the false self

People who have toxic shame believe that they are a failure. Self-contempt, isolation and a strong sense that they are untrustworthy are also feelings which accompany those who believe themselves failures. Sadly, when shame becomes a core belief (or a core identity), the individual will most probably shut down from human relationships."

DP is exactly the same. Won't say sorry. I think he thinks he doesn't need to apologise because it wasn't deliberate. He once broke a precious glass I had treasured for years, but felt that it didn't require an apology as he hadn't meant to do it.

My mum won't apologise either, she just becomes more of a victim. She's late for absolutely everything, but arrives angry at all the hold ups she's had to tolerate. As if the world actually should apologise to her. She won't accept responsibility for any of it.

Failing to apologise or acknowledge someone else's feelings can lead to invalidation. It certainly can be a sign of personality disorder, if accompanied by other traits such as lack of remorse, low or zero empathy, over reaction to perceive slights, anger at alternative points of view and projecting negative feelings onto others.

Personality disorder are perceived as rare as those with the disorder do not seek a diagnosis (they don't see an issue!) however estimates have the rate of 10-15% of the population.

I think if this is the only trait in an otherwise supportive relationship you can live with it (such as making a joke of the lack of apology) however if combined with other traits it moves into personality disorder and ends up being destructive.

So it is actually quite common, that helps a bit

How does that help exactly?

FFS grow a pair and call her out!

My husband will always say 'sorry but...'and then essentially tries to justify why he did whatever, which to me shows he is not bloody sorry and its meaningless, it drives me mad!

Some people perceive apologising as a sign of weakness. Its acknowledging you were wrong and the other person was right and they feel like the other person has 'won'

How many of you on this thread are my siblings? . @HamAndPineapple you have described my own mother.

DH and I apologise to each other. It does show respect for the others person’s feelings.

My mother will do something (aka bully my son) and when I call her out on it she will say that she was joking no apology for making my little boy upset.

Good luck OP. Your wife is successfully alienating you.

Common trait of Narcissism...