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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

anyone need a break uo support thread???

65 replies

neverdoingthatagain100 · 09/12/2019 18:27

Hi I'm not long out of a VERY complicated 5 year relationship. (30 days)
Ex was EA and very very difficult and toxic. I know I am better out of it, but the pain is immense.
For various reasons I can not talk about this in RL, and I just wondered if anyone else needed somewhere to vent especially with christmas around the corner.
Forgive me if there is already a thread like this on the go, I did search but didn't find anything.

OP posts:
Tenetenba · 09/12/2019 18:42

Yes me. Im 5 months out of a 25 year relationship and its just dragging on and on. He's very angry, bitter and resentful and the guilt i feel is huge despite knowing i shouldn't.

Im finding xmas particularly hard as its so focused on family.
Do you have dc ?

Liveandforget · 09/12/2019 18:42

Hi op. I'm divorcing my abusive and toxic ex atm. We were together for over 10 years and married for 13. I've been out of the relationship a lot longer than you, but really struggling.
Well done on getting out of your relationship. Hope we can support each other. Sending you a handhold.

Fairycake2 · 09/12/2019 18:53

My DH left me last month telling me he could no longer be a step parent to my DD.! I'm having a pretty good day today but last week was utter shite and I spent lots of time crying. I find no contact easier to deal with and luckily once the house is sorted this can happen as we have no DC together. I've made myself a couple of lists - one with all his bad points and the other with all the good things in my life. It helps to read them daily and remind myself that I will be ok and I will be better off without him. Xmas is hard, not helped by seeing all the happy families on social media and on tv. We were supposed to spend it just us 2 (DD is with her dad) but I've made some plans and will try and have a good day. Have you got some things to look forward to?

Honeysucklerose1 · 09/12/2019 18:57

Thanks, sending you both handholds!!
Yes I've 3 dc from a previous relationship.
I knew my ex was tricky from quite early on and never integrated him with my family life with the children, thank goodness, but I was very quickly hooked on him and have spent 5 years of extreme ups and downs.
I have managed to be non contact for 30 days. I never imagined I would be crying and hurting over such a useless disrespectful person!

Honeysucklerose1 · 09/12/2019 19:03

Yes that's what is so annoying, apart from him my life is going well, I've saved up for Christmas, I'm going for a lovely holiday at my sisters with the dc, I'm being good to myself, Netflix binging, duvet days etc, have been chatted up by some nice looking men (not doing anything about it obviously but it helps) and then Im crying because that I won't see the person who has ea me for so long. What can I say??

Honeysucklerose1 · 09/12/2019 19:06

I wish that I never see him again but he lives near me and is busy chatting my neighbour up to rub it in my face

Honeysucklerose1 · 09/12/2019 19:08

Tenetenba do you feel that things are getting better for you?

Original poster
neverdoingthatagain100 · 09/12/2019 19:11

Just seen I've had a name change, not sure how that happened

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Original poster
neverdoingthatagain100 · 09/12/2019 19:16

Liveandforget Have you had any help with getting over your ex? That is a very long time to be in an abusive relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
neverdoingthatagain100 · 09/12/2019 19:19

Fairycake2 one month is not long at all. Your list ideas seem really positive. I'm glad that you can sort your housing.

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Original poster
neverdoingthatagain100 · 09/12/2019 19:22

MikeuniformMike
Thanks for the link!
I'll go and read the thread.

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MikeUniformMike · 09/12/2019 19:32

It's somewhere where you can rant an weep and post things that you want to tell someone but can't. You won't be judged and everyone is heartbroken. I believe it's very supportive.

May have posted there with a NC

Original poster
neverdoingthatagain100 · 09/12/2019 19:41

Thanks! Wink

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Original poster
neverdoingthatagain100 · 09/12/2019 19:42

And thanks everyone on this thread for the handhold.

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tiredgirl123 · 09/12/2019 19:47

Hi OP, I'm 11 weeks out and counting from the most manipulative nasty younger man, (2 wasted years)
Yes xmas is round the corner, yes..it seems everyone is loved up blah blah.. but I'm starting to feel.. less despondent, less sad.. letting the feelings come and letting it happen, it's a horrible thing and maybe it a good time but when is a good time to break up, big hugs and yes, do eat drink and be merry, this shitty feeling cant last..

Original poster
neverdoingthatagain100 · 09/12/2019 20:27

Hi tiredgirl123
Isn't it amazing how many shitty oh's there are out there? I'm sorry you met a manipulative one. I'm in my 40s and I have never ever met anyone so manipulative in my life. I didn't even know they existed like that. Glad to hear that you are making a recovery.
Some things are instantly much better now I'm nc, he used to call me at weird times of day and night and I'd be on eggshells going to sleep wondering if he'd be calling. Now the peace is amazing,
However despite that today I have felt heartbroken about the fact he won't be calling or coming round, so it's completely irrational.

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tiredgirl123 · 09/12/2019 21:34

Irrational but I've heard relationships like that are "addictive " and need to be cured like an addiction, being irrational is part of the baggage, its loosening the grip on me somewhat.. cliche cliche..time heals etc.. and this recovery...its not like a linear thing..(thanks S Calman for that phrase!) Lots of box sets, TV, books yes wine are all helping.. its not a state that can last forever.. xxx

Original poster
neverdoingthatagain100 · 09/12/2019 21:50

Yes I'm reading all I can about why I 'loved' my abuser, and it seems 50 days of nc is a significant milestone in the moving on journey, so it looks as if you've got past that, so well done!
What box sets have you enjoyed? I've been watching mushy love stories, the type i'd never normally watch and it's really helped to cry and realise it really was such a shitty relationship.

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tiredgirl123 · 10/12/2019 09:34

Oh fuck me no cant watch anyone kissing or anything
Try The Sopranos if you havent already, Mindhunter, The Irishman on Netfilx, (seeing a pattern here??)anything with Anthony Bourdain .. basically anything that prick refused to watch (he thought my taste in TV was trash. Said the boy with no GCSE'S..anyway..) New Girl giving me some laughs at the moment...

JazzyJelly · 10/12/2019 09:36

Yes please. Leaving my H of 12 years due to his lying and porn addiction.

Original poster
neverdoingthatagain100 · 10/12/2019 10:08

Oh god @JazzyJelly that's terrible

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Original poster
neverdoingthatagain100 · 10/12/2019 10:09

Thanks @tiredgirl123, I'll try the Irishman!

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JazzyJelly · 10/12/2019 10:31

Yeah it's been less than a month since I discovered he'd been lying several times a week and watching porn every day, so I'm still in the 'is this a nightmare I'm going to wake up from?' and crying all the time stage. Really glad to have others who understand.

Original poster
neverdoingthatagain100 · 10/12/2019 10:50

That is so shit. I'm so sorry for you. At least here you can find some support and a handhold!

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