anyone need a break uo support thread???

[neverdoingthatagain100]

Hi I'm not long out of a VERY complicated 5 year relationship. (30 days)
Ex was EA and very very difficult and toxic. I know I am better out of it, but the pain is immense.
For various reasons I can not talk about this in RL, and I just wondered if anyone else needed somewhere to vent especially with christmas around the corner.
Forgive me if there is already a thread like this on the go, I did search but didn't find anything.

@JazzyJelly so sorry to hear about your twatt of an ex. Sending you hugs

Thank you. I'm struggling to remember that my future has gone, that I'll have to sell our beautiful new house, that I'll never see him again after this. He's been a huge part of my life and I keep having wobbles and thinking i should just put up with it because I love him so much, and to keep my future intact. But he doesn't love me, doesn't respect me, will never be faithful to me. I'm sorry, I'm blathering.

Oh please dont be sorry, let ot out, of course you are upset, you are allowed to be. Big hugs @JazzyJelly

How do you stop thinking about them ? Worrying about them ? I want to talk to him and tell him things all the time!
25 years is nearly all my bloody life!
I can't see a way out.

Yes I think that when you feel respect has gone or in my case probably was never really there, that's impossible to come back from. It's painful to think that I can have my ex if I turn a blind eye to him chatting up other women etc, (including a friend and a neighbour) but I need to be strong, Im better than that, (I keep telling myself) so I hope this pain of separation is worth it. In my case there was lots of ups and downs and pain in any case, but perhaps some of you were in a better place than me.
So sorry to hear @JazzyJelly about your house, but yet I admire your strength to know you need to do it. It's been said before, but you will be better out of it.
25 years @Winona45 that is so so hard. Have you any RL support?

Hi everyone. Can I join you? I’m 2 days post break up after 3 years. I’ve had the blinders on for a long time but finally had to ask my exp to leave. He’s been binge drinking, verbally and emotionally abusing me for a long time now and I’ve enabled it. I can’t stop crying even though I know I’m made the right decision I’m finding it so hard

Hi @Grumblina yes you have made the right decision and you are being very brave. You get a handhold from me!

Thank you xx

Checking in. H proposed a 'therapeutic separation' yesterday. I'm considering it. Does anyone have any experience with this? Or struggling with the decision to end things due to his behaviour?

Hi @JazzyJelly , I have no idea what a therapeutic separation is.
Yes it's really hard to go through with the separation when you have got so much to lose, does your oh want to separate?

No, he wants to stay together, but apparently not enough to not watch porn, or more importantly not lie to me about it when I ask, averaging 3 times a week for the last 2 years (the lying, the porn was every day except Sunday as far as I know). I know some people might consider no porn too strict a boundary, but it was a boundary, he knew that and broke it. He's joined Sex Addicts Anonymous and got a therapist, and he's paying for mine too since it's his bloody fault i have to see one. I think he's just upset he was caught though.

Have you managed to distract yourself? I know you're watching box sets but how do you manage when you're at work for example? I'm not working as well as I should at the moment and feel guilty.

I'm sorry he was flirting with other women too. It shows such disrespect. You're such a strong person to have blocked him.

I'm sorry, there were paragraphs when I wrote that!

Hi everyone! I'm less than a month in and haven't even cried yet as there is too much to process. I'm 40s too and should have seen the red flags but didn't because I was holding on to that image of him from the early days. Porn. Yep. Hook up websites. Yep. Constant lying about money. Yep. I put up with it all and more and now I've finally gone NC and let's just say he's not too happy about that and doesn't take any responsibility for his awful behaviour.

I'm sorry yesterday. It sounds like we're in very similar situations. I'm very impressed you've managed to go no contact.

Thanks, honestly I'm not strong, I have been very very weak with him and that's why it's taken so long to get to this point. I was so naive. The lies I have heard, unbelievable! I have let myself be treated like someone absolutely worthless. I've really been at rock bottom .
The only reason I'm stronger now is I have read lots of threads on here , it's helped me understand his shitty behaviour, and it's helped me pull a shred of dignity together.
It's helping me get through it by not thinking it's the end of everything, that's too sad, but by thinking it's the beginning of new things.
So I'm thinking of going from brown to blonde after Christmas for example. When I feel sad I look up how to do it on you tube and it distracts me. I'm trying to replace negatives with positives.
I'm imagining meeting ex and being confident and happy and having a normal conversation as if I don't care.
I've been chatting to a few men on OLD and although I have not got the strength to meet anyone right now, I'm imagining that one might be Prince Charming!!

@JazzyJelly , is he respectful to you in other ways do you think?
It seems positive to me he wants counselling. At least he's making some effort to change. Do you think he really wants too or is it just lip service?

Hi @yesterdaystotalsteps123
Sorry to hear you are in the same boat. Yes if only they could be the person they were in the beginning!
Recently I have seen ex when he let his mask slip and it wasn't pretty. I saw the real him.
That's giving me the strength to start moving on.
I hope you are not feeling too shitty.

You don't sound weak at all! And I'm sure you'll look lovely as a blonde. I was thinking of getting a hair cut too, new beginning. I think it might help to look in the mirror and see a physical change.

If he was abusive this isn't the end of all things, although I'm sure it feels like it. I feel the same. But it's not the end as you say, only the start of new, better things. It's so positive you're thinking about other men already, even if it's too soon to actually meet up with any. It might help you realise there's lots of men out there, some good, some bad, but who will be attracted to you and will recognise that you're interesting and (as I've seen) empathetic, and you can build your self esteem back up from that.

I think he wants to change, Never, but i don't think he CAN. He's clearly addicted, and a life with an addict wouldn't be an easy one. He was respectful in other ways, very much so, but he lied to my face every few days about something he knew would hurt me. What else could he lie about? I don't want to be in the same place in 10 years with 2 kids in tow and an STD.

Yes @JazzyJelly when you put it like that he doesn't seem much of a role model for children. It's such a shame. I'm sorry you are having to agonise over this, it's really exhausting and stops you getting on with your life.

Can I join even though it’s been 6 months, I’m 19 and it was my first relationship?

Of course honeytoast, heartbreak is awful no matter how old you are.

Hi @honeyytoast sorry to hear you are suffering. How long were you with your ex?

Everyone's situation is different but what helped me was using the women's aid chat service. I typed out some of the things he'd done and she replied that it was abusive behaviour. Hearing a kind stranger confirm what I knew helped me go NC after years of being hoovered back in and being taught to minimise my feelings. I ordered the book why does he do that now every time one of his love bombing or abusive emails arrives in my spam I just pick the book up and have a read and it reassures me I'm doing the right thing. Not replying and blocking really does help. If nothing else it gives you some control back.

That is interesting @yesterdaystotalsteps123 I never thought to use women's aid as the abuse I experienced was emotional. The book sounds like a good but too.
I'm enjoying the silence of non contact as it is so calm and I feel that nc is the only way I have to have some control of the situation.