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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he really broke or is this financial abuse? Where’s his money going?!

88 replies

RebornFlame · 09/12/2019 11:36

My dh earns £25,000 per year and this will be going up by £3000 next year as he’s been promoted.

He works hard and works long hours.
I work part time 2-3 days per week and look after our 18m (we also have an older dc too).

He is permanently skint and unwilling to give/lend me money to reimburse for Christmas presents I’ve bought for our family. I think I’ll be able to get about £100 from him total but not without a bit argument about spending..... I have probably spent a total of £400 ‘on Christmas’.

Despite me only working part time I’m expected to contribute equally to all household expenses and I’m now deep into my overdraft.

I don’t understand where the money is going as he rarely goes out and doesn’t lavish money on himself with new clothes or expensive hobbies. I found out a while ago that he’d spent something like £180 on online national lottery (after reading his statement) but I haven’t seen anything like that since.

I’m now at the point that I’m having to ask him for money for petrol or for an MOT (which he grudgingly lent me) and it upsets me that as a hard working family we seem to be living on the breadline and I’m resorting to having to ask for money for the above essentials.

OP posts:
MiniMum97 · 09/12/2019 11:39

You have children why don't you have joint finances?

You are working part time to lol after his child and he expects you to contribute half??? He is effectively getting free childcare for his child out if you. Why on earth did you agree to that in the first place?

MiniMum97 · 09/12/2019 11:40

And yes it is financial abuse imo. He is withholding money from you and causing you and is children to live in poverty/debt while he spends £180 on lottery. Does he have a gambling problem do you think?

53rdWay · 09/12/2019 11:45

That's a lot to spend on lottery tickets.

What happens when you try to discuss it with him? Some people are just entirely useless with money but if that's the case, there are approaches and budgeting apps and spreadsheets that can help. And he should be able to understand that rationally at least it's not fair to expect you to contribute 50% of all household expenses.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/12/2019 11:46

Why do you not have a joint account?

And why are you expected to contribute 50% of household costs when you're only working 2/3 days a week? None of this makes any sense.

anotherdisaster · 09/12/2019 11:47

OP my ex was EXACTLY like this. After our 1st was born, I went back to work part-time and he ALWAYS resented it. He actually got a job earning about £35k but I was still expected to pay half of all the bills. It got to the point where I ended up paying for things and not even asking him for half because I couldn't face the moaning he would do.
He would also say he was skint and that we couldn't afford this, and couldn't afford that!!
What made it all worse is that when he was out of work, I increased my hours to support us all.
This is one of the main reasons he is now an ex. Sorry but this is NOT on and is definitely financial abuse.

GloriousGoosebumps · 09/12/2019 11:54

He's probably got a secret savings account and is stashing money away. I can't think of a good reason for his behaviour and would assume this is money he doesn't feel you "deserve." You need to do some digging. In the meantime stop buying his side of the family presents etc. He's too tight to repay you and you're spending money you don't have. I'd also stop buying him things, if he wants things he can put his hand in his pocket. Work on reducing your overdraft. Then think about whether you want to stay in this marriage.

pootroll · 09/12/2019 11:55

Why are you paying half the bills if you earn less? You should have access to all the accounts. You need to sit down and go through them all with him.

Original poster
RebornFlame · 09/12/2019 11:57

I really don’t think he actually has a gambling issue as I’ve seen more of his statements (he doesn’t hide them) and there’s nothing more than a couple of weekly lottos. I added that as it’s a sign that he has got money to spend recklessly on himself if he wants too.

Joint acc: I was initially not keen on this as despite working part time in my old career I earned more than him and didn’t want him dictating where my money went. Now however I work in a much lower paid job.

OP posts:
Cacklingmags · 09/12/2019 11:58

You need to start saving yourself OP in case you need to get out of this marriage - this is financial abuse - this arse is causing you and DC to live in poverty.

HarrietTheFly · 09/12/2019 12:00

My first thought was gambling problem, but could be that he's just not careful with money. I.e. spends a lot on lunches during work days, little bits here and there etc? Or how about travel to work, does he spend a lot on that?

Original poster
RebornFlame · 09/12/2019 12:01

I don’t feel like we’re living in poverty. We always have plenty of food and they’re getting presents and a stocking. I do understand your point though. It’s me constantly worrying about how I’ll tax the car or worrying about asking for dh’s Share of the nursery bill.

OP posts:
HarrietTheFly · 09/12/2019 12:01

Who pays for things for your DC? Clothes, food and so on. Is that 50-50 too?

Original poster
RebornFlame · 09/12/2019 12:03

Lunch is provided at work and he needs minimal petrol to get there. He is completely unmaterialistic (which is actually something I love about him) so he never buys himself little things.

OP posts:
Original poster
RebornFlame · 09/12/2019 12:05

I pay for all the children’s stuff as I get the child benefit. We do not receive any other benefits.

Our last argument was around me suggesting we need another toddler car seat and he said I should pay as I get the child benefit .

OP posts:
HarrietTheFly · 09/12/2019 12:06

Hmm that's strange then. And if you've seen his bank statements and nothing stands out he either has a secret account like a pp said, or there must be something that isn't obvious. Is he open to the idea of a shared account? Or a sit down and work through of finances to see where the money is going? You do need to talk about how things are paid for, if you're working less but doing childcare it makes no sense that you're paying half of everything.

thedancingbear · 09/12/2019 12:08

People are very quick to jump on the 'financial abuse' bandwagon.

If he earns £25k and the OP is 2-3 days a week - let's say £10k - there's just not very much money coming in.

It's hard to say for definite without a full breakdown of incomings and outgoings (mortgage, car loans, fuel etc). But on the face of it, it's more likely that they are simply skint than he is squirreling away.

thedancingbear · 09/12/2019 12:08

A single one-off payment of £180 to the Lottery sounds more like he has paid for a works syndicate than a gambling problem.

Bluntness100 · 09/12/2019 12:10

How much do you earn op? 25 k isn't much between a family of four
Have you added up all expenses, mortgage/rent, food, household items, utilities, insurance, car petrol etc and are you sure there is much left over?

WorldsOnFire · 09/12/2019 12:21

Honestly OP threads like this make me cringe! You’re being completely taken advantage of and don’t seem to see it at all!

You work PT (let’s say £800pm) and you provide free childcare PT (value of which let’s say is £600).
Your DH earns £1600 working FT and you split your household bills 50/50.

Why is your DH more entitled to work FT than you are? Are they not his children?... Where the hell is the £300pm he owes you for providing that free childcare and losing out on a FT wage?
I hear women say ‘but I wanted to go pt to be with the kids’ and I’m like YES BUT you’re saving you and your partner X amount by doing that! If you were paying a nursery you’d expect him to pay half so why are you swallowing the loss of income so happily???

Work out what your FT wage would be in your current role, deduct the amount you actually earn PT and realise that 50% of that amount is what your DH is profiting by each month.

user1486915549 · 09/12/2019 12:22

Do you have a big mortgage?

WorldsOnFire · 09/12/2019 12:23

*50% of the amount left over.

So if your FT wage would be £1400 and you’re actually making £800 - DH is profiting £300 per month over and above you!

anotherdisaster · 09/12/2019 12:33

OP you need to nip this in the bud. This IS financial abuse. And unless you earn way more than him even on your part-time wage, then its disgusting.
You should both put a % of your wages together, rather than it be 50/50 as this is not fair. The reason you are pt is to look after children, not because you're lazy or just don't want to.
I'll bet he has nagged you to go back full time too!

anotherdisaster · 09/12/2019 12:35

@thedancingbear what has that got to do with the fact the OP is having to pay half when she is part-time? and why is she paying for Christmas?
This isn't about how well off they are generally, this is about him expecting her to pay for more than he seems to be on less money!

OvalCanvas · 09/12/2019 12:39

Can you sit down and make a budget based on your joint income? It would be a great way to clear up what's 'missing' going forward.

Also child benefit and enough for all kids clothing and needs , if he needs this pointing out to him then do so.

Finally can you come to an agreement on what % of the bills you pay , half isn't fair unless you earn the same.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/12/2019 12:40

Whose accounts do all the bills come out of op?

Sounds Iike you need to sit down and explain in simple words that you cannot afford to pay for X and Y, and that as a family he needs to be covering more bills.

Get a spreadsheet, make it clear what money goes where and also Inc how much you're saving by you covering child care.

Any scope to go full time?