Is he really broke or is this financial abuse? Where’s his money going?!

[RebornFlame]

My dh earns £25,000 per year and this will be going up by £3000 next year as he’s been promoted.

He works hard and works long hours.
I work part time 2-3 days per week and look after our 18m (we also have an older dc too).

He is permanently skint and unwilling to give/lend me money to reimburse for Christmas presents I’ve bought for our family. I think I’ll be able to get about £100 from him total but not without a bit argument about spending..... I have probably spent a total of £400 ‘on Christmas’.

Despite me only working part time I’m expected to contribute equally to all household expenses and I’m now deep into my overdraft.

I don’t understand where the money is going as he rarely goes out and doesn’t lavish money on himself with new clothes or expensive hobbies. I found out a while ago that he’d spent something like £180 on online national lottery (after reading his statement) but I haven’t seen anything like that since.

I’m now at the point that I’m having to ask him for money for petrol or for an MOT (which he grudgingly lent me) and it upsets me that as a hard working family we seem to be living on the breadline and I’m resorting to having to ask for money for the above essentials.

If you're married all this is not only weird and seems a power trip - but it's completely deluded and pointless.

You both have a claim on any marital assets and if he is stashing money away, you have a claim on that whether it's in his name alone or not. And debt that you accrue that you can show he benefits from (that goes on household bills, your children etc) he is just as liable for.

So unless he's abusive, sit down together and sort it out fairly. And if he won't, consider the joys of divorce.

So he earns roughly £1,500 a month and you earn £400 (I'm wildly guessing) what exactly is he paying for? I don't understand how you even can split household bills when you're only working 2-3 days a week,.

Also if you can see his bank statements then you should be able to see where his money is going, just check his old statements and go through it item by item, add the money up on a calculator as you go.

You need to tell him you are a family unit & as such need to sit down & review finances.

How much does he think CB is!? I receive it in our house but it's a small amount of money so does not cover the cost of a child much less unexpected costs like car seats

he never buys himself little things

Where is all his money going? Ask him. Say you don't understand why you end up paying all the big stuff when he never seems to spend, and that you want to go through what each of you spends and look at statements.

Hang on
Is everyone ignoring the bit where she refused a joint account when she earns more as she didn’t want him spending “her” money, but it’s now the other way round it’s a different story?

This. It's weird.* Agree! Was it abusive before when OP didnt want to share an account and earned more? Was that still a 50/50 split?

I don't think it's abusive I think you both need to budget to your means and work together as as a family. I don't think he is probably gambling or hoarding money but both have a right to a fair split if they don't want to combine finances.
I'm on a little less than 25k my basic is 1500 after all taxes etc. I've no kids but I can imagine it's eaten into quickly after bills etc.

Is everyone ignoring the bit where she refused a joint account when she earns more as she didn’t want him spending “her” money, but it’s now the other way round it’s a different story?

Look don't let the facts get in the way-(even though she has access to his statements and cant see where he is over spending and all the other comments she has made that about him not being abusive )- he is obviously being abusive and controlling she should immediately kick him out. He is probably also cheating on her too!!

I'd agree that she is rather hoist on her own petard if it was originally her idea to have very separate finances and allowed him to struggle financially when she was better off.

But they really need to sort something out.

She might be better going back to work full-time or taking up more hours to bring her wage in line with his, and he consequently pick up childcare or half the bills for childcare if they're both determined to do the 50/50 money bit ongoing.

I can't see that he should have to pitch in to splashing out at Christmas if he doesn't agree with it, given the attitude about money. In which case op needs to save over the year for it. And presumably keep his presents low key.

I never allowed him to struggle when I was financially better off. Before children we rented, split it and I would pay vast extra amounts on food day/nights out. And then when we had kids I funded both my own maternity leaves.

You haven't answered my original question. When you earned more than him, did you split the bills 50/50?

OP you asked 2 questions. But the context you provided and how information was presented is in my view a tad misleading.

Are you being financially abused. It may be the case. But when you strip back what you have said it seems unlikely. The decision to have separate finances was yours. Taken because you wanted to control the gain you had when your earned more. Meaning you could decide how it was spent and he had no say. It was your decision to fund your own maternity in the past.

You have confirmed you can read his bank statements. He is open about his income and spending. He provides the share you asked him for. You know where the money goes. It’s the consequence of the financial management you agreed that you are in overdraft. It’s poor planning and poor decision making on your part and his part.

The reason you have gone into an overdraft is simple. You have taken a massive paycut and not planned for it.

Your living cost are now not affordable or workable under the arrangement you established with him. It is pretty obvious. Instead of trying to make something more of it or arguing over if you can and can’t afford luxuries, you both need a reality check and a family budget.

It would be entirely disingenuous to accuse him of abuse when you asked for the arrangement. You need a family budget and that means you will need to cede autonomy over any current and future surpluses from your income to joint decision making.

Do you see his salary hit the bank account ? Do you see ALL his outgoings ? Do you know what company pays his salary so you can see the credit coming from that company or their payroll name ?

Are there any debits taken from his salary apart from income tax and N.I. ? Is he paying back any salary that he agreed to be forwarded to him or any sort of company scheme for shares or health care etc ?

Do you see his wage slips ?

I don't think you are getting the full picture wrt his taxed income as it's deposited into the bank each month.

£25k isn't actually a lot of money, by the time he's paid tax, NI, mortgage/rent, utility bills (gas, electric, water, council tax, broadband, house insurance etc), upkeep of car, petrol, there probably isn't that much left at the end of the month.

Ask him for a list of everything that goes out of his account each month and how much he has left. It won't be as much as you think.