Is he really broke or is this financial abuse? Where’s his money going?!

[RebornFlame]

My dh earns £25,000 per year and this will be going up by £3000 next year as he’s been promoted.

He works hard and works long hours.
I work part time 2-3 days per week and look after our 18m (we also have an older dc too).

He is permanently skint and unwilling to give/lend me money to reimburse for Christmas presents I’ve bought for our family. I think I’ll be able to get about £100 from him total but not without a bit argument about spending..... I have probably spent a total of £400 ‘on Christmas’.

Despite me only working part time I’m expected to contribute equally to all household expenses and I’m now deep into my overdraft.

I don’t understand where the money is going as he rarely goes out and doesn’t lavish money on himself with new clothes or expensive hobbies. I found out a while ago that he’d spent something like £180 on online national lottery (after reading his statement) but I haven’t seen anything like that since.

I’m now at the point that I’m having to ask him for money for petrol or for an MOT (which he grudgingly lent me) and it upsets me that as a hard working family we seem to be living on the breadline and I’m resorting to having to ask for money for the above essentials.

*isn't

Farking hell return any presents you've bought for his side of the family. If he's going to be like that it's his problem.

Point out to him how much CMS you'd get and that be had better cough up. Cease anything he uses and you don't, like Netflix or his mobile phone bill (please say you don't pay that sort of thing for him anyway..?) Skint bevause you've paid for stuff he isn't giving you money for? Then feed him porridge every meal until he gets the hint.

Your boundaries are being trampled all over. Get angry about it.

You need to have a proper conversation about finances, and you should have a plan so you jointly know what your incomings and outgoings are. You aren't really making a lot of money working part-time yourself and him on 25K. I can see how that would be gone quite quickly, particularly if he is stopping to buy snacks or a sandwich on the way home or a few pints at the pub once a week or small things like that. Also 400 on dc's christmas presents is quite a lot for a family who is otherwise struggling. Dh and I have a combined income over 100K, and with the exception of this year (eldest is getting a bike), I can't think of a year we spent that much on the dc alone. Nonetheless, you need to talk about these things and plan your spending jointly and each be contributing a fair amount to those spends. You would be amazed how easy it is to blow what disposable income you might have if you're both mindlessly spending on small every day things (a coffee, crisps at the petrol station, etc.)

If you're seeing copies of his bank statements then why are you confused where the money goes? Surely you can see exactly what the money is being spent on, unless he's making large cash withdrawals and not disclosing what the cash is being spent on?

He's disillusioned about child benefit. It's a benefit to help pay for the kids' needs. I don't suppose the government ever thought it would cover 100% of their costs

Well he is a tight-fisted git, isn't he? Yes this is financial abuse. You have had to give up most of your income to care for your dc. They are his children too. Both your earnings should go into a joint family pot. There shouldn't be a 'his' money and 'your' money situation here, he is being totally unfair.

Joint acc: I was initially not keen on this as despite working part time in my old career I earned more than him and didn’t want him dictating where my money went. Now however I work in a much lower paid job.

Sorry have I missed something here or was this before you had children?

Sorry had to nip out. I earn between 600 -800 per month but I’m upping my hours as of January so that should help things.

I’m not such a mug that I’ve paid for his families Christmas shopping! I’ve bought things for our dc, for him and for Christmas. All which he’s deem inessential and thinks the dc could do with about £15 each spent on them! O

Our mortgage and bills amount to roughly £1000 per month (inclusive of gas, electric, coucil tax, Netflix, TVs licence etc) not inclusive of any car stuff.

We don't have joint finances, never will, but DP pays the greater share of bills as he earns more.
You should not be paying 50%

His take home must be around £1,300 so £500 is household stuff, where else is his £800 going?

Well there are also childcare fees. Plus sounds like you run 2 cars. There really is just very little left over.

How much do you spend on food op, and who pays for this? Also how much are the car costs, whi buys clothes, things required for the house etc?

If you're looking st his statements and nothing Is amiss, it seems that possibly it really is he is just skint.

This is financial abuse OP. Time to read him the riot act.

If you work more he will demand that you put more money in as well.
I would not put it past him wither to try and sabotage your attempts to work more hours as well.

This is financial abuse OP and you minimise this at your emotional peril. He will not change. Your H does not want to share, this money is family money and not his to dole out to you as and when he sees fit. As a result of this too, you and the kids are living in poverty.

Re your comment:-
"It’s me constantly worrying about how I’ll tax the car or worrying about asking for dh’s Share of the nursery bill".

This is an example of financial abuse; it leaves you feeling trapped and without a voice. Are you fearful of both him and his reaction?.

"Despite me only working part time I’m expected to contribute equally to all household expenses and I’m now deep into my overdraft".

And this was deliberate on his part too. Its utterly unfair for you to be expected to contribute equally when you are working part time. You are facilitating his life and career as well whilst your own pension entitlement slides.

When you earned more than him did you still split the bills 50/50?

Why are you asking for his share of nursery fees? Isn't it normal to set up a standing order? Could you get the nursery to email him asking for a monthly standing order for his share or something? It is just a thought.
Point out what the CB is spent on every week and that saving 25p a week towards a new (needed legally) car seat would take 7.5 years.
It is interesting that you are both getting pay rises/more earnings soon. Will his go on him and yours go on your overdraft and dc?
Is he holding out until Jan so that you will buy car seat from the extra hours you will work?
Your monthly outgoings seem a bit low to me and it doesn't include car expenses. Have you roughly guessed or sat down with a calculator?

He is an arse to see you worrying and pretending he doesn't see it.

Surely the fairest approach is that you should not pay a higher percentage of your pay than he does of his.
If you pay 50% of your income that's £300.
If he pays 50% of his income that will be roughly £700 perhaps a bit more but he will still have £700 left and you will have £300 left.
Currently you dp has a £1000 left per month to piss up the wall and you have a £100.
No way would I agree to that.

Suggest that you sit down and do a budget together.

We don’t have a joint account but work out the bills between us. I’m the higher earner so pay more which I feel is fair. He has more spare cash but I have 3 dc and he has none (he is financially involved with them but that’s his choice).

I think he is gambling but you just haven't found anymore evidence.
I think you should look around more thoroughly.

He could be gambling online with a card you don't know about. They can be very devious.

I honestly think after childcare, food, cars there won't be much left but yes he is spending freely with what there is whilst you are getting increasingly in debt...

He could be gambling online with a card you don't know about. They can be very devious.

Are you kidding? They have around 30k coming in between the pair of them, with two kids. If he had a terrible secret gambling habit they would be on the streets.

It's hard to believe the OP is genuinely contributing 50% of all household expenses when she brings in £600-£800 pcm.

I really don’t think gambling is at the heart of it. dancing I have used my final leaving cheque from leaving my old career (£2500) that I accrued during may leave to contribute and ‘keep up’. Obviously that’s been absorbed into the 50/50 vacuum and now that’s why I’m deep into my overdraft.

As people are saying we don’t earn much but enough that we should be keeping afloat. He will not let himself get into his overdraft but knows about mine.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

He is keeping afloat whilst you are sinking into a financial mire. Overdrafts are expensive and he likely knows that too.

But your overdraft is necessary spending.
What is his spare cash going on?