Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am pregnant partner wants me to have an abortion

83 replies

Kendra78 · 08/12/2019 20:43

Hi
I am 40, found out I was pregnant a few weeks back. Told my partner who is not happy about things. It was unexpected, not planned. I have previously had cancer which started an early menopause and I was told I probably couldn’t have anymore children. We have only been together a year and a half. He says he doesn’t love me but does have feelings. But if I decide to confine with the pregnancy he doesn’t feel he can continue with our relationship.
I am wanting to keep the baby but I am too worried to tell family and my partner as they are just expecting me to get on with a termination.
Xx

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 08/12/2019 20:45

If you want to have the baby, then nobody can force you into a termination. If your partner pushes for this, then I’d say the relationship is over, particularly as he ‘has feelings‘ for you, but isn’t in love with you.

TheJoxter · 08/12/2019 20:46

Definitely wouldn’t terminate in your circumstances. It’s 100% your decision, you might find that he steps up and becomes a decent dad anyway (it does happen sometimes in these situations!) but from what you’ve said it doesn’t sound like the relationship is going anywhere anyway if he openly admits he doesn’t love you!

Cream5 · 08/12/2019 20:48

The baby is 100% your decision.

Your partner doesnt love you, as he has said, so he will leave anyway. It sounds like this is the perfect excuse.

Keep the baby and make sure he pays for the child when it comes. Let him leave.

The only person that needs pleasing here is you. Do what makes you happy.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 08/12/2019 20:48

I would accept the relationship with your partner is over regardless of your decision OP. It’s your body, only you can decide what’s best for you! Good luck with your decision x

AnotherEmma · 08/12/2019 20:50

If he doesn't end the relationship you should, he's a dick.

What's the housing situation, do you live together and whose name is on the tenancy/deeds - his, yours or both?

How many children do you have already and how old are they?

Do you have your own income and savings (independent of him)?

You should consider the above factors when deciding whether or not to continue the pregnancy without his involvement (because it seems almost certain he won't be involved).

AnotherEmma · 08/12/2019 20:52

"Keep the baby" - why do people say this?
Telling her to continue the pregnancy is just as bad as telling her to terminate.
Your body your choice OP!

BuildBuildings · 08/12/2019 20:54

If you did terminate would you want to continue the relationship? He sounds unpleasant. So don't do what he wants just to keep him. He's not worth it. Do what you feel you want not what others expect.

TheJoxter · 08/12/2019 20:55

@AnotherEmma everyone is saying it’s her decision! And OP says she wants to keep the baby

Interestedwoman · 08/12/2019 20:55

'"Keep the baby" - why do people say this?
Telling her to continue the pregnancy is just as bad as telling her to terminate.
Your body your choice OP!'

@AnotherEmma Exactly, it's OP's choice, and PP's are telling her to keep the baby because she's made it clear in her post that she personally would want to keep the baby. :)

AnotherEmma · 08/12/2019 20:56

Apart from Cream5 who said "Keep the baby"
Can't you read

AnotherEmma · 08/12/2019 20:56

Cross post I was replying to Joxter

plumbabe · 08/12/2019 20:57

Have you got any other children? I personally wouldn’t terminate if I was 40 and had no other kids. I’d definitely dump the bloke though!

Original poster
Kendra78 · 08/12/2019 21:09

I have a nine year old daughter from a previous relationship. We don’t live together and have nothing joint. He wants to continue the relationship however things do feel differently now, we are not in touch as much, since I said I didn’t know whether I could go through with a termination. And that’s when he said he needed to be selfish. He has one child to his ex wife and apparently he made it very clear to her he didn’t want children, she agreed and said she felt the same. However some years later she changed her mind, and although he loves his daughter he didn’t want any. Within a couple of years he had cheated on his wife and left her. So i know what is in store for me.
I don’t feel I can ask him for anything and I think it will be just me and my daughter bringing the baby up. We have no family or friends for support. And it may seem stupid that I want to continue with it, suppose I am just looking through rose tinted specs. My close family have said they can see no happiness in me keeping this pregnancy and do not feel that they could help or support in anyway
X

OP posts:
Winter2019 · 08/12/2019 21:09

Either way I think you should dump him. Not necessarily because he wants you to end the pregnancy (it's understandable, it wasn't planned) but you clearly want different things and why is he with you for such a long time if he doesn't love you... Will he ever?!

Winter2019 · 08/12/2019 21:11

Also, surely you don't expect your 9yo to be bringing the baby up?!?

pusspuss9 · 08/12/2019 21:12

If you have had cancer I would think very carefully about having a baby as a single parent. Do you have family that would bring the child up should your cancer return?
I'm sorry to be so blunt but it's a very important point to consider. The child's wellbing is more important that your desire to have a baby.

beenwhereyouare · 08/12/2019 21:13

Keep the baby. Dump your partner.

If after 18 months he's telling you he doesn't love you, he's an ass, and unlikely to have a change of heart. Hoping you can finally say the right thing, do the right thing, BE the right thing to make him love you is a soul-destroying way to live.

Very sorry you're going through this. Please don't let anyone force this kind of choice on you. You deserve so much more. Every one deserves to be loved, deserves to be first in someone else's heart, including you. 💐

PurpleDaisies · 08/12/2019 21:13

I don’t feel I can ask him for anything and I think it will be just me and my daughter bringing the baby up.

You can absolutely ask him for child support.

ColaFreezePop · 08/12/2019 21:16

If you decide to keep the baby you need to go through the CMS to get him to pay child maintenance. The money is for the child not for you.

Then leave it up to him to decide whether he wants a relationship with your child. He may do.

Also regardless of what you decide with this pregnancy, your relationship with him is over. He has shown when crap hits the fan he cannot be relied on.

Original poster
Kendra78 · 08/12/2019 21:18

The three of us! And no I don’t expect my daughter to bring up a baby!!! Of course she will help, she is desperate for a brother or sister. But since my cancer I honestly didn’t think I could have anymore

OP posts:
0812x · 08/12/2019 21:19

Honestly if he doesn't love you and he's emotionally blackmailing you into an abortion I don't think you should continue the relationship whether you terminate or not. It's your choice ❤️

RhymingRabbit3 · 08/12/2019 21:21

I don’t feel I can ask him for anything
You can and should pursue him for maintenance, if you decide to keep the baby

MsNobodyHere · 08/12/2019 21:21

You were told you probably couldn't have anymore. Did you tell your partner you couldn't and used no contraception?

ChristmasSpirtsOnTheRocksPleas · 08/12/2019 21:22

The relationship is over either way. The question is whether you think you’ll be able to do it alone. Do what’s right for you and ignore what anyone else says on the matter Flowers

BumbleBeee69 · 08/12/2019 21:24

Have your Baby OP.. tell everyone else to PISS OFF Flowers

Swipe left for the next trending thread