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Relationships

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Original poster

I am pregnant partner wants me to have an abortion

83 replies

Kendra78 · 08/12/2019 20:43

Hi
I am 40, found out I was pregnant a few weeks back. Told my partner who is not happy about things. It was unexpected, not planned. I have previously had cancer which started an early menopause and I was told I probably couldn’t have anymore children. We have only been together a year and a half. He says he doesn’t love me but does have feelings. But if I decide to confine with the pregnancy he doesn’t feel he can continue with our relationship.
I am wanting to keep the baby but I am too worried to tell family and my partner as they are just expecting me to get on with a termination.
Xx

OP posts:

puds11 · 08/12/2019 21:26

After a year and a half he doesn’t love you?? Why are you with him? I’d get rid of him and keep the baby!

Original poster

Kendra78 · 08/12/2019 21:26

When we spoke last I did say I wouldn’t ask him for anything as this wasn’t planned and as he doesn’t want me to continue with things, I don’t feel it would be right as he has made it perfectly clear what his thoughts are x

OP posts:

AnotherEmma · 08/12/2019 21:27

Good point about the cancer, sorry to ask this but do you know the statistics in terms of likelihood of the cancer coming back?

I'm sorry that your family is being so unsupportive, that must hurt

I can understand wanting to continue the pregnancy - personally I have always wanted 2 children and I was once an only child who really wanted a sibling! (I do have them luckily )

It's good that you don't live with him and if you do continue the pregnancy you should definitely get him to pay child maintenance.

If you would like some (real life) support in making the decision perhaps you could consider getting pregnancy choices counselling, just make sure it is an impartial organisation and not a sneaky pro life one.

BumbleBeee69 · 08/12/2019 21:30

If he wasn't wearing a Condom then his 'feelings' are NOT clear... he needs to accept responsibility too OP. Do not let this man away with not providing for his child.

PurpleDaisies · 08/12/2019 21:32

That doesn’t matter. He could have worn protection. Now you are pregnant, he is obligated to support the baby financially. Don’t feel guilty for that.

AnotherEmma · 08/12/2019 21:32

Tbh he should have got a vasectomy, he was adamant that he didn't want children at all (not even the one he already has) so why the hell didn't he get the snip. Irresponsible. But then he thinks nothing of getting a woman pregnant and then pissing off at one point or another.

Convenient excuse isn't it? I never wanted a child. Well get a vasectomy or use condoms then!

Original poster

Kendra78 · 08/12/2019 21:36

I had explained in the beginning regarding my cancer and what I was told. As well as going through the menopause which he has been fantastic about as I have really bad symptoms. He has been fantastic about the way I look after my surgeries as I look awful and have scars and puncture sites from drains etc. I hate how I look, but he accepts me for how I look and has said he will support me With regarding what I want to do next with regards to reconstruction etc. We have discussed about him having the snip as I pointed out that I can’t take hormones due to the type of cancer I had. He did say he should have done something years ago but never got round to it. I have asked him again and he said he look into it. X

OP posts:

AnotherEmma · 08/12/2019 21:39

You're not seriously considering continuing the relationship?!

BumbleBeee69 · 08/12/2019 21:40

yes still continues to have unprotected sex with you OP, sorry but that's lazy bullshit on is part..

you do what is right for you and only you OP, you are allowed to think of your own needs.

PurpleDaisies · 08/12/2019 21:40

How can you be pregnant if you’ve been through the menopause?

BumbleBeee69 · 08/12/2019 21:41

Yet still continues to have unprotected sex with you OP, sorry but that's lazy bullshit on is part..

Original poster

Kendra78 · 08/12/2019 21:42

I do feel guilty about things as it’s something that I never thought would happen. I have even had sessions with my psychologist as I have had to have one regarding my diagnosis, regarding the fact that that part of my life was going and inside I was becoming old. The me I knew was going, and I was being hit with symptoms that I thought wouldn’t happen to me for years. I suppose I was grieving for the way I was changing and saying goodbye to a part of myself. Although not having periods was fab!! That was difficult to come to terms with. So this is like being in no mans land xx

OP posts:

Original poster

Kendra78 · 08/12/2019 21:42

I was going through the menopause, it takes up to ten years to go through it completely

OP posts:

TammyKat · 08/12/2019 21:45

Please don’t continue this relationship with him. He’s already said he doesn’t love you

Span1elsRock · 08/12/2019 21:49

Before you make any decisions OP, if your cancer was hormone receptive, I'd see your GP and ask for an urgent referral to your specialist to see if there could be any issues with taking this pregnancy forward.

sue51 · 08/12/2019 21:54

You said you would not ask him for anything as this want planned but you also state you had discussed him having the snip as you could not take hormones due to the type of your cancer. He just hasn't "got round to it". He is absolutely responsible for this situation and if you contniue with the pregnancy has a legal and moral duty to pay for his child. Whatever you decide, I hope you ditch this man. You deserve so much better.

DecemberDays · 08/12/2019 21:54

I am a single parent with an eight year gap and no parental support, so it is perfectly do-able.
The posts about checking any potential health risks are spot on, though - I obviously did not have that.

Sandals19 · 08/12/2019 23:02

since I said I didn’t know whether I could go through with a termination. And that’s when he said he needed to be selfish. He has one child to his ex wife and apparently he made it very clear to her he didn’t want children, she agreed and said she felt the same. However some years later she changed her mind, and although he loves his daughter he didn’t want any. Within a couple of years he had cheated on his wife and left her. So i know what is in store for me.

Sounds like a man who should've learned to use a fkg condom.

And nobody "needs" to be selfish, they choose to be.

Chocmallows · 08/12/2019 23:08

OP he doesn't love you after 18 months. He doesn't want DC and soon you will potentially have two. Save your sanity and dump him.

Then try to think about what to do with a fresh perspective. Imagine he dropped off the planet, what would you do?

Sandals19 · 08/12/2019 23:09

He did say he should have done something years ago but never got round to it.

Irresponsible for someone who adamantly doesn't want children. (And he's already had one child to learn from!). How dare he not have a vasectomy, have sex repeatedly without condoms (which aren't even 100% reliable anyway) and then expect his partner to have an abortion. Has it ever occurred to.him that not everyone might feel the same way about abortion as him, esp the person carrying the foetus!

Men like this boil my piss. My dh has many faults but he would never ever expect someone he got pregnant to have an abortion, he would step up.

Sandals19 · 08/12/2019 23:12

He is absolutely responsible for this situation and if you contniue with the pregnancy has a legal and moral duty to pay for his child. Whatever you decide, I hope you ditch this man. You deserve so much better.

Seconded.

Perhaps you both got complacent/lax due to what you were told; but you're in this situation now, and his attitude is utterly shit.

Sandals19 · 08/12/2019 23:15

And him saying he doesn't even love you is the icing on the shit cake; sounds like you should let him go anyway (and he's apparently going to walk if you keep the baby which is what you want to do so things are aligning in that way anyway).

Cowardly, cruel, cold hearted and irresponsible of him btw.

StrangeLookingParasite · 08/12/2019 23:28

My close family have said they can see no happiness in me keeping this pregnancy and do not feel that they could help or support in anyway

This isn't their call to make.

Do you know clearly what you want? (it can be conflicted, I know)

CardinalCat · 09/12/2019 00:00

Stop thinking about what this controlling man who doesn't love you thinks or wants. Or indeed your family members who (unless you drip feeding or withholding) sound really odd.
What do you want? How do you feel about another child? How is your health and what is your gut telling you?

I suppose he's at least been honest about the fact that he doesn't love you- so I would discount his feelings and opinions from every decision that you make on the subject from now on.

SevenStones · 09/12/2019 00:10

He didn't want children but "never got round" to doing something about that, so he's ended up with one child and another on the way. That's his responsibility. Instead he chose to have sex anyway and when you get pregnant his solution is for you to go through an abortion. As for the snip he's just going to "look into it".

My suggestion would be for him to look into it quickly and have it done asap. If he isn't willing to do that then he's not worth continuing with whatever you decide to do.

I suspect he'll never quite get round to it this time either.

If you want this baby then have it. Please don't be browbeaten into an abortion because it's something someone else wants.

I'd be tempted to tell him you'll have the abortion after he has a vasectomy which of course means you have a baby because I don't think he's any intention of sorting himself out to prevent this happening again with you or any other woman.

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