I am pregnant partner wants me to have an abortion

[Kendra78]

Hi
I am 40, found out I was pregnant a few weeks back. Told my partner who is not happy about things. It was unexpected, not planned. I have previously had cancer which started an early menopause and I was told I probably couldn’t have anymore children. We have only been together a year and a half. He says he doesn’t love me but does have feelings. But if I decide to confine with the pregnancy he doesn’t feel he can continue with our relationship.
I am wanting to keep the baby but I am too worried to tell family and my partner as they are just expecting me to get on with a termination.
Xx

Frankly I'm astounded by most posts supporting continuing with the pregnancy with no thought as to what would happen should the cancer return.
There could be two little children with no mother or father and possibly nobody else to take care of them.

It would be a huge risk the OP is taking to continue with the pregnancy.

All the 'do what you want' posters don't even have this massive issue on their radars. I'm truly shocked. Maybe if it were happening in their own families it would have more importance.

Maybe if it were happening in their own families it would have more importance.

I would take in my sister’s children in a heartbeat if something happened to her.

so would I purpledaisies, but sadly there are families that would be unable to do this, especially if they had advised thinking carefully before continuing with a pregnancy that could have this as a possible outcome.
Continuing with this pregnancy could rely on the families taking over if necessary and I think you should make sure this would be OK with them before continuing.

I'm normally the first person out with 'don't go through with it'. But in this case even I think you should keep the baby and lose the dickhead.

Imagine telling someone you have been with a year and a half 'I'm not in love with you'. What an arsehole. Tell him to gtf.

This should not be a case of what 'I' want but a case of thinking about the very possible life changing ramifications it would have on
on many other people as well. The 'I' comes in second place here.

OP I just wanted to add, that if you do decide to keep the baby and raise it alone then you absolutely have a responsibility to your child to pursue him for maintenance. This isn't about him supporting YOU financially or what you do or don't feed comfortable accepting; that money is owed to your child which he helped to create and you're doing them a disservice if you don't pursue that support for them.

He doesn't love you, after a year and a half? What's the point of him then? It's over, surely, regardless of the pregnancy.

There are loads of issues for you you consider but don’t let him pressure you. It’s your choice. But please remember that child support is for the baby so he should 100% pay that if you do decide to continue.
Such a shame your family is unsupportive.
Is there any friend you can talk to? Or support groups from when you had cancer?

Btw parental responsibility, so child support, follows from biology - which is just shit that happens. It's nothing to do with 'fairness' or 'planning'. He did some biological stuff, which had biological consequences, which come with thus financial consequences.

It is never 'fair' for women to be faced with the choice of raising an unplanned child, or going through an abortion. It's just biology. It happens.

Such a shame your family is unsupportive.

could be that they see the negative ramifications this could well have for their existing families and they have not been consulted as to whether they are willing to go along with this.

Honestly wondering why some posters on here seem completely unable to see the bigger picture and just concentrate on the here and now when making life changing decisions.

Honestly wondering why some posters on here seem completely unable to see the bigger picture and just concentrate on the here and now when making life changing decisions.

How about they actually offer support, a shoulder to cry on, listen to the op, give her a chance to talk, rather than just tell her to have an abortion? That is what I mean by jt is a shame her family are unsupportive. Not that they should automatically agree that she should have this baby.

Anyway, thanks for implying that I and other posters lack the analytical ability to see beyond the here and now, must be good being so fucking perfect @pusspuss!

It's no good offering support without highlighting the possible disadvantages. It just kicks a possible disaster unseen down the road. It's the OP or the family that would have to pick up the pieces and deal with it, not the posters on here who have been friendly but not realistic.

Or do you think it's Ok to not mention the disadvantages?

Your relationship sounds over regardless.

For me, I’d be thinking about the impact on your current child, whether I can support three people on one wage and what happens should health decline again. It doesn’t sound like family or the father will step up and I don’t think I could live with that worry. I’d also be concerned over age and the associated risks.

He probably feels a bit duped as the information he was given was "I have previously had cancer which started an early menopause and I was told I probably couldn’t have anymore children."

Not your fault though OP.

It is astonishing what users men are of women. I am reminded of that quote "Women can fake an orgasm but men can fake an entire relationship".

Thats why I like marriage to protect children and sort out the true ones from the 'sort of committed's. Marriage literally puts their money where their hearts and mouths are.

Let's also not lose sight that this could mean a little child without a mum or dad or family willing to step in and adopt. It's not about whether the OP's boyfriend loves her or not, and not about the OP's desire to have another baby, but mainly about this child who could find itself in the situation described above.

In OP's shoes, I'd be finding out firstly what pregnancy would mean for cancer recurrence risk.

Some cancers are hormonally-driven eg breast & it could have massive implications for OP.

That is more important than if the partner or OP wish a baby or not.

For someone who knew he didn’t want children, it’s strange that he hasn’t do e better at preventing conception.

Your bf is no longer part of the equation, the immature dick has made that very clear.

I'm no religious but this is a miracle baby to me. I would keep and lose him instead. Congratulations!

Not*

For goodness sake. You have been provided with a glowing real-life example of exactly how little this man actually cares about you. He's even said it himself. He doesn't love you, but he'd quite like to keep shagging you as long as you get rid of the inconvenient baby so that he doesn't have any obligations.

He's foul. Scars or no scars :(

Look, you do not want a termination. Which means that you would be a fool to have one. Never, never have a termination for someone else's sake. It doesn't work. You'll hate him for it, or if you're sufficiently cowed to not let yourself call it that, it'll express itself in depression and unhappiness which he'll find tedious and finish things any way because you're 'no fun' anymore.

You want this baby.
It's your last chance.
Your DD wants a sibling.
The bloke you're potentially getting rid of the baby in order to keep has told you he doesn't love you anyway.

Keep it.

My prediction is that Shitty Man will hang around anyway!

He'd prefer not to have the baby so he's trying to bully you, but if you refuse he'll probably skulk back before long anyway.

If you're not going to ask him for any support, that's fine. Tell him that, tell him you're keeping it, and you're perfectly ok with him still sticking around, but just like your DD, this baby is now your child, and that's that.

You want the baby so you keep it. It's not your partners or your family's choice, they aren't the ones having to go through it and live with it after. Your relationship will be over with your partner anyway, you presumably could never stay with someone that pressured you to have an unwanted abortion

"Keep the baby" - why do people say this?
Telling her to continue the pregnancy is just as bad as telling her to termina

Because in this case OP has clearly stated she wishes to keep the baby

Goodness me he sounds selfish. He got you pregnant. This is an opportunity for you my lovely! You have had cancer. You have got to be so careful in this situation to not let other people destroy you. I had one at 18 because of my family making it about them. I'm 30 now with two children who I love so much. I had a wobble last year thinking what a cruel monster I was to of God rid of my first child. I had to push it back out my mind. I don't think I'll ever forgive my parents for what they put me through.

My advice is have this baby. Enjoy your pregnancy and do it without that man. He doesn't even love you? You do know that means he wants fun and sex but not commitment? You deserve alot better. Good luck to you but keep your baby. It's a wonderful journey. They are the happiest memories of my life. I can remember my first scans and growing a bump and meeting my little baby for the first time. It's a love like no other. Stronger than some man who can't even love you after 18 months xxx

You need to lose this arsehole of a 'man' no matter what. He's a total dickhead. Didn't want kids but never got the snip or used condoms, thinks contraception is a woman's job and she can just get an abortion.

You need to make a decision not considering that knob head and see if your pregnancy could put you at greater risk of your cancer returning.

Before you make a decision about the baby you need an urgent GP appointment to discuss the pregnancy and the implications on your health, that should be your priority Op. Once you have those facts you will be in a better position to make your decision.

But in respect of your partner - time to call it a day. He doesn't love you, so it's pointless to continue the relationship no matter what you decide about the baby.