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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’ve lost sight of what’s fair

81 replies

Penguinshame · 06/12/2019 20:11

I am a SAHM, DH works long hours, and this Saturday is the Christmas trip out from the mums from school. I rarely go out, maybe once every 6 weeks or so, he goes out several nights a week once the kids are heading for bed.

He had forgotten about tomorrow, and I reminded him I’d be out, and that one of the kids has a party/event in the next town, so he would need to take him and entertain the other two while it goes on. The party is a ew of the kids from his class meeting up at a Winterval fayre and it’s the sort of thing our other two kids would love as well, so he could easily take them for a wander at the same time.

Apparently this is ridiculous, I am selfish for expecting him to do any of this and he works and I don’t, etc.

His first reaction was “well he can’t go to the party then” because it’s just too hard to manage all 3 whilst I “bugger off” and do my own thing.

He’s not being fair, is he?

I said “so I’m not allowed to go out on a weekend?” and he said I could go out but he only gets 2 days to relax and I’m spoiling it and I should have made different arrangements which don’t impact him.

Talk sense to me.

OP posts:
beelzeboob · 06/12/2019 20:15

So he doesn’t want to parent his own kids??

mbosnz · 06/12/2019 20:20

Goodness, how does he manage his big important job, if he's so inept he can't manage his own children for a weekend? What a great learning experience for him. . .

Original poster
Penguinshame · 06/12/2019 20:20

He doesn’t want to be inconvenienced or expected to do anything. He doesn’t mind hanging out with them at home.

OP posts:
Original poster
Penguinshame · 06/12/2019 20:21

It’s not even a weekend. It’s an afternoon.

This is a recurring theme in our relationship

OP posts:
OoohTheStatsDontLie · 06/12/2019 20:23

No he is not being fair. He works long hours...well so do you, looking after three young children (assuming they are not teenagers or anything) is not exactly easy.

Men like this cant have it both ways

  • I work harder than you because I have a paying job - being at home with the kids is easy and therefore you never need a break from it
  • looking after the kids is so hard I couldn't possibly do it on my own or do my fair share at weekends, I need a break from them (oh but you dont)

It sounds like he doesn't value your contribution to the family or think you deserve any time off.

If he only views working outside the home as being of value, I'd offer to get a job, but he does either drop offs or pick ups at nursery and takes time off for kids appointments and sick days and organising school stuff etc, also you have equal leisure time

BumbleBeee69 · 06/12/2019 20:25

He's a selfish Prick. Go enjoy your well deserved night out OP.

Original poster
Penguinshame · 06/12/2019 20:26

Yes, that’s it in a nutshell. My job isn’t a real job, it’s just some chores, and he is too exhausted from the Big Important Job to be bothered with chores at the weekend.

He’s just suggested “phone your mother and ask her to help me.”

No.

OP posts:
OoohTheStatsDontLie · 06/12/2019 20:28

If it's a recurring theme I'd consider leaving so that my kids didnt grow up thinking that if men have a job they can opt out of everything else that a functioning adult and parent is supposed to be able to do. At least youd have every other weekend to yourself

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 06/12/2019 20:29

Ignore the mantrum. Have a lovely afternoon.

Ginger1982 · 06/12/2019 20:34

Stand your ground. Go on your night out and leave him to it.

pallisers · 06/12/2019 20:37

you haven't lost sight of what is fair. he has.

He is the person who is supposed to love you the most of anyone. He is the one who should have your back. He is the one who should be kinder to you than most people are. he should want you to have a good time occasionally. Ask yourself why he wants to spoil the one day out you have? Is he kind, nice, good loving?

It is absolutely pathetic that he cannot cope with his own children for a few hours and needs your mother to bail him out. My dad was born in 1927. He worked full time, my mum stayed home and every saturday morning he would bring us and any friends we wanted to the park so she got a break and a lie-in.

Qwerty09876 · 06/12/2019 20:40

Mantrum 🤣🤣🤣 love it!

cansu · 06/12/2019 20:41

Don't get drawn into the fayre and what he will do with the kids. Tell him to make his own decision about how he entertains the kids or not and go out and enjoy yourself. He is being selfish and will now be counting on you not going out so you take the kids to the event. Do not do this. I would also start going out more often and be less available for his evenings out. He is taking the piss.

Singlewhiteguineapig · 06/12/2019 20:41

Grade A loser (him)

willowmelangell · 06/12/2019 20:45

Ask him what is his timetable for being a parent.
30 minutes on a Tuesday? 8 minutes on a Wednesday?

Ask him what is he afraid is going to happen if he parents his own children outside of the house?
He is being an utter arse. He might actually have fun and enjoy himself with his dc.

DianaT1969 · 06/12/2019 20:46

I hope that you are planning to go back to work once your DC are all in school OP. This isn't looking good. You need to get your financial independence back. He only has to parent 2 children, as one will be at the party.

Queenoftheashes · 06/12/2019 20:49

What a piece of shit. You need to go fuckin mental at him.

TheLittleBrownFox · 06/12/2019 20:53

"It is perfectly possible for one adult to manage two children for two hours. I do it repeatedly all day every day, my job didnt have a clocking off time like yours, I'm always on duty. You've been out X number of nights this month and I am going out for ONE. They are your children too and we are supposed to be a PARTNERSHIP." Good day to you Sir!

Sunshinegirl82 · 06/12/2019 20:54

I don't say this lightly but I would be thinking very carefully about whether this was a marriage I wanted to stay in.

Not particularly because of the actual issue but because of his attitude to you. It's like you're staff, under performing staff.

If he said "oh buggar I forgot about your night out. Not to worry, I can sort something. It's going to be quite full on with all 3, I wonder if your mum might be available to help out" it would be different (not great, they're his kids, he should be able to deal with them) but it would be better.

What did you do for work before the DC were born? How old are they? Would it be possible to start taking steps to get back into work?

Clymene · 06/12/2019 20:55

What a knob. Either it's really hard work looking after children, in which case he should be bowing down at you, or it's piss easy and he shouldn't make a fuss.

He can't have it both ways

Original poster
Penguinshame · 06/12/2019 21:01

We are treading water. Yes, I’m like a member of staff failing on my KPIs.

He’s now arguing that the children are not difficult, it’s that he doesn’t want to “have to do stuff” on a weekend.

What would ordinarily happen is I would do the party run AND take one of the other kids with me and he would stay home with the third, and potter about/snooze. But the notion that I am not available is some sort of failure in my basic statutory duty.

And he can’t see what a huge turn off that is.

OP posts:
pallisers · 06/12/2019 21:05

it’s that he doesn’t want to “have to do stuff” on a weekend.

Tell him when you are divorced he will be doing all the stuff every second weekend.

Again - he doesn't see what you do during the week as "stuff" but it suddenly becomes "stuff" when he has to do it at a weekend.

Apart from the turn-off at not wanting to help you, how shit is it that he regards spending time with his children at a winter carnival for a couple of hours as a chore so awful he needs to offload it onto someone - anyone - else.

KMoKMo · 06/12/2019 21:09

He’s a twat. Show him this thread. Then LTB and he can have 50/50 contact. See how he likes that.

Also this from @mbosnz

Goodness, how does he manage his big important job, if he's so inept he can't manage his own children for a weekend? What a great learning experience for him. . .

Brilliant.

Sunshinegirl82 · 06/12/2019 21:09

It sounds pretty joyless OP.

What is the position practically if you wanted to leave? How old are the DC?

Cacklingmags · 06/12/2019 21:10

Stand your ground OP, leave him with the kids, again and again and again. How else the fuck is he going to learn. Best Wishes.