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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’ve lost sight of what’s fair

81 replies

Penguinshame · 06/12/2019 20:11

I am a SAHM, DH works long hours, and this Saturday is the Christmas trip out from the mums from school. I rarely go out, maybe once every 6 weeks or so, he goes out several nights a week once the kids are heading for bed.

He had forgotten about tomorrow, and I reminded him I’d be out, and that one of the kids has a party/event in the next town, so he would need to take him and entertain the other two while it goes on. The party is a ew of the kids from his class meeting up at a Winterval fayre and it’s the sort of thing our other two kids would love as well, so he could easily take them for a wander at the same time.

Apparently this is ridiculous, I am selfish for expecting him to do any of this and he works and I don’t, etc.

His first reaction was “well he can’t go to the party then” because it’s just too hard to manage all 3 whilst I “bugger off” and do my own thing.

He’s not being fair, is he?

I said “so I’m not allowed to go out on a weekend?” and he said I could go out but he only gets 2 days to relax and I’m spoiling it and I should have made different arrangements which don’t impact him.

Talk sense to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Penguinshame · 06/12/2019 21:12

Sadly, I had a whole huge thread under another user name all about what to do next. The situation hasn’t changed, there’s an external issue we are waiting for. I need to end this.

OP posts:
Weenurse · 06/12/2019 21:13

Start looking for a job and planning an exit strategy just in case.
Leave him to look after the children and have a good time.

Abouttoblow · 06/12/2019 21:15

Ask him how he would manage all 3 kids one evening a week and EOW.

Sunshinegirl82 · 06/12/2019 21:21

How long until the external issue is resolved?

Is there anything you can be doing in the interim? Re-training? Getting legal advice? Gathering documents together?

LizzieSiddal · 06/12/2019 21:22

He’s just suggested “phone your mother and ask her to help me.”

Pathetic! A grown man who can’t look after his own children for an afternoon.

How very unattractive.

73Sunglasslover · 06/12/2019 21:22

Can I ask what attracts you to this man? Has he always been this misogynistic and entitled or is he experiencing some sort of crisis at the moment. Are you happy to stay in a relationship with someone who is not willing to pull their weight and work as a team?

user1479305498 · 06/12/2019 21:24

My first marriage ended because of this kind of thing. My nursing course pissed him off because it involved shifts and paricularly at weekends interfered with meeting his mates for football matches etc. I have to be honest, there are many men who really like the idea ofchildren in their heads, but expect to carry on totally as before, with an odd bit of family fun holidays, the odd trip to A theme park etc what they don't much want is lots of one on one care whilst the wife/partner is God forbid having fun or working. I ended up divorced because it pissed me off but i couldn't cope with arguments, as a now 50 something I would speak up and say 'your attitude sucks' do something about it

Original poster
Penguinshame · 06/12/2019 21:24

I was suewiththeredford, Sunshine82

Can’t link to the thread somehow. It’ll be resolved by February.

OP posts:
IndecentFeminist · 06/12/2019 21:27

Either it's easy, in which case he is right about what you do all week, or it is hard graft and he is right to be peed off about the weekend. But if he admits that, then he is also admitting that you work hard too. He can't have it all ways.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 06/12/2019 21:31

Nope, he's not being fair.

I'm a single parent, guess what, I work all week and still manage to do stuff with my DC at the weekends. You don't get 2 days to "relax" when you have children.

Why do these men go on about how they have it so much harder because they go to work but then can't even cope with their own children for an afternoon?

I'd really be considering leaving if he's like this all the time OP.

Musti · 06/12/2019 21:37

What a prick. My ex was similar. Life is so easy now without him

Sunshinegirl82 · 06/12/2019 21:53

I've read your other thread, it's pretty clear your marriage is over and you know it.

I honestly wouldn't waste anymore of your time trying to understand why he does what he does or work out why he can't see how unfair he is being. It is what it is and it won't change, that seems pretty clear. It's only your own energy you're wasting.

From now on I would just stop expecting anything from him, in a few weeks you'll know the position with the court case and you can crack on with the divorce.

I'm sorry this is happening to you but I'm keeping everything crossed that by this time next year you and your children will be looking forward to a much happier Christmas without him.

plumbabe · 06/12/2019 22:17

The thing is it won’t change even when you divorce him. I’ve got a friend who did this. The ex H just does his EOW and his kids sit indoors from Friday to when he hands them back on a Sunday. So don’t be under any illusion that he’s suddenly going to start taking them to parties on his weekends. However, in the case of my friend what has happened is the kids know exactly how the land lies and she’s been able to use her EOW off to have a great social life and meet another guy who treats her like a Queen. Her confidence and self respect is through the roof and she’s now living her best life.

Original poster
Penguinshame · 06/12/2019 23:27

I really do know I have to do this. I’m trying to keep it civil but he seems to be under the impression that I’ve “calmed down” and we are back on a level playing field somehow.

He doesn’t need help. He just can’t be arsed to parent by himself and says it isn’t fair that he can’t call my mum for help because his parents aren’t around any more.

I am so fucking sick of Not Fair.

OP posts:
Original poster
Penguinshame · 06/12/2019 23:28

And one of the things that has halted my leaving so many times is the thought of what my kids’ lives would be like if they had to rely on him EOW.

OP posts:
KellyHall · 06/12/2019 23:46

I feel for you op Flowers Not wanting dd to rely solely on dh was an issue for me recently too.

My home life is set to get easier when my dd's nursery is free and I can go from two jobs to one but that isn't for a few months and while I thought we could all just slog it out, we got to a crisis point recently and I told dh he had to move out. He was horrified that he'd been so selfish/shouty/horrible that that was the point I'd reached and has agreed to sort his shit out. But I simply couldn't wait, life would have got worse (as in upsetting and unsettled) before it got better (no horrible, shouty, selfish arse ruining our days) but sometimes we just owe it to ourselves not to keep these things unsaid.

noworlater13 · 07/12/2019 00:34

Op I just left my dp for this reason. I put up with a lot but when I went back to work he expected me to still do all the things I did as a SAHM would. He couldn't manage with looking after ds 21 months for two days every week and not full days. The house was a tip when I got home from 12/14 hour shifts ds wasn't feed or looked after and dp keep moaning about MH and feeling lonely.

All because I went to work.
If the man I love can not support nor look after his dc then there is no relationship. Ever since the separation I can clearly see he was always like that but had excuses and me waiting at home.

plumpee · 07/12/2019 00:42

I don't know if anyone has said this but can you get a job?
My oh was exactly the same but never actually came out with sahm was not a job just passively did nothing at all. When j went back to work pt I was able to tell him to shove it because he couldn't fall back solely on 'work exhaustion'
And for the record when my dc was 6 months old I went back to work full time and it was amazing so much time to myself even just getting to work was lovely an hour to myself albeit on the train.
It's when school started I had to be a sahm as my hours were too long and my job too difficult. I now have the shittest paid school hours job after packing up my career but it's better than nothing just so I can turn around and say clean that fucking bathroom because I do the other two.
Anyway I digress. I think it's reasonable you're considering divorce on this basis but getting a part time job first would probably help you all round. FWIW I went to a solicitor as I dreamed of eow arrangement and the solicitor told me it would be better if I worked pt. not sure if that's true or not but it enlightened me to try very hard just to stay in employment pt in case I ever want to just say stuff it!

timeisnotaline · 07/12/2019 01:40

Good luck with the divorce op.

timeisnotaline · 07/12/2019 01:41

Oh I remember your other thread. Absolutely, he can stuff his Big Job where the sun doesn’t shine. I hope you get s great settlement.

RantyAnty · 07/12/2019 05:06

He's being a selfish twat.

Which 2 days a week do you get to relax?

Just go to your thing and let him get on with it.

CountYourRoosters · 07/12/2019 05:31

he only gets 2 days to relax. Ask him how many do you get?

wasthatamistake · 07/12/2019 05:34

He's a useless shit and I'd LTB yesterday.

Don't worry about eow. It's still a better situation than you have now, and you'll find ways to make your own life work without feeling resentment and anger at what a piece of shit he is.

plumbabe · 07/12/2019 05:43

I honestly think you’d be a lot happier if you made him move out. He would then have to clean up after himself wherever he ends up living and it might give him a wake up call