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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’ve lost sight of what’s fair

81 replies

Penguinshame · 06/12/2019 20:11

I am a SAHM, DH works long hours, and this Saturday is the Christmas trip out from the mums from school. I rarely go out, maybe once every 6 weeks or so, he goes out several nights a week once the kids are heading for bed.

He had forgotten about tomorrow, and I reminded him I’d be out, and that one of the kids has a party/event in the next town, so he would need to take him and entertain the other two while it goes on. The party is a ew of the kids from his class meeting up at a Winterval fayre and it’s the sort of thing our other two kids would love as well, so he could easily take them for a wander at the same time.

Apparently this is ridiculous, I am selfish for expecting him to do any of this and he works and I don’t, etc.

His first reaction was “well he can’t go to the party then” because it’s just too hard to manage all 3 whilst I “bugger off” and do my own thing.

He’s not being fair, is he?

I said “so I’m not allowed to go out on a weekend?” and he said I could go out but he only gets 2 days to relax and I’m spoiling it and I should have made different arrangements which don’t impact him.

Talk sense to me.

OP posts:
JoyceJames · 07/12/2019 06:07

It sounds like he doesn't value your contribution to the family or think you deserve any time off.

This.

blackcat86 · 07/12/2019 06:14

Absolutely find a PT job for yourself and your independence. I actually dont think this man will ever change but for my marriage returning to work was a game changer - I went back early when DD was 10 months because DH was utterly selfish, unsupportive, lazy, entitled and generally vile. He had capitalised on my vulnerability and was only interested in putting pictures on FB so everyone could tell him what a wonderful dad he is. DD adores him but he's never done a night wake and hasnt changed a nappy in months. At least his attitude has dialed down. I found counselling for myself also really helped to process everything. DHs life is a lot less pleasant for him now because i just dont give a shit and actually expect him to cook and clean to. Also, don't ever cover for this man. Tell people how shit he is and talk to the other mums. They will understand and support you.

user1480880826 · 07/12/2019 06:14

Your husband sounds vile. I would be suggesting he moves out if he doesn’t like being a parent and doesn’t value your contribution to the household.

itsmecathycomehome · 07/12/2019 06:18

So if you were taking them, you would take two and leave one at home with him?

But he doesn't have that option because he isn't allowed to ask your mum for help.

Tbh that does sound a little unfair to me.

He has said that he's happy to look after all three at home, or take 1/2 to the party and leave the other child with your mum, which is similar to what you would do.

Surely a compromise could be found.

Phillipa12 · 07/12/2019 06:23

I was a sahm with 3 kids and could have written your post. My husband thought that i had an easy life compared to all the long hours he did as he didnt consider what i did important. We split up and then divorced. Hes got a lot more respect for me now he has the dc everyother weekend, he also realises that his job with the long hours was by far the easier option esp when the dc were really little.

Lozzerbmc · 07/12/2019 07:11

He is being utterly unreasonable you should go to your event. If you’re ‘not working’ staying at home then its easy for him to deal with his own children surely?

Does he think your SAHM job is meant to be 24-7 then ? When do you get your time off? Sadly I think the job is so often not given the credit it deserves.

I’d be booking a weekend away! I think if me I’d return to work and really think about my future...

Original poster
Penguinshame · 07/12/2019 09:12

He says I get every day free in between the school runs. It’s a 16 mile trip so really, between say, 10 and 2:30.

But, I’m doing effectively 7-10am then 2-9pm
And obviously the bit inbetween is wife-work/chores etc. He’s out 3-4 nights a week 7:30pm - 10:30 so on those nights he sees the kids from when he gets in at 6:45pm to 7:30pm so less then an hour. Angry

Anyway it’s all pointless, my ruminating on all this. He isn’t going to change his attitude, he might cover it a bit, and behave less like a dickhead some days but it’s always there.

OP posts:
Original poster
Penguinshame · 07/12/2019 09:14

The reason this was a big deal today is because our child with the party, struggles socially and hardly gets invited to anything so he really needs to be at this event. I’m going to take him and go to my thing later, and note it in my stuff for the solicitor.Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Penguinshame · 07/12/2019 21:22

Update. He said he wouldn’t take him to the party, which would have meant he would have missed it and he was so keen to go. So I took him and ended up missing the Christmas do.

I came home and settled the kids and DH was being all chatty and said “I know you’re upset, I get that.” And then after a semblance of a normal chat with me, has gone out.

I said “I hardly ever ever get to see my friends” and he said “I know the feeling.” I couldn’t be bothered arguing. He sees his mates 4 nights a week! There really isn’t any point in engaging with someone like this. As he left, I said “it was meant to be me going out today, not you.” And he said “yes but you didn’t go, so I am.”

What an arse. And he thinks we’re fine because we had a civil conversation. He’s taken that as tacit approval of his fucking collossal bell-end behaviour.

OP posts:
Weenurse · 07/12/2019 21:37

Start packing the essentials

XXXXXX42 · 07/12/2019 21:44

I bet you feel low and sad and scared. I know I did at the end of my marriage. How will I manage tomorrow?

I’m a year since we split (now divorced). I’m happier. He is a far better Dad on the EOW he has DD than he ever was when we lived together.

Hang on in there x

notapizzaeater · 07/12/2019 21:56

He's a prize dick !

Flyingf1edgelings · 07/12/2019 21:59

What a pig. You need put you and children first. He only cares about himself the selfish prick!!

Opaljewel · 07/12/2019 22:59

You know what you need to do. Stop putting it off.

RhinoskinhaveI · 07/12/2019 23:07

I think I would just start working on an exit strategy make sure it's really good, organise the best life possible for yourself and leave him to arrange his own life 😊👍

MarianaMoatedGrange · 07/12/2019 23:10

Fucking hell. He's got a huge shock coming, hasn't he? His domestic appliance/robot nanny is rising up!

MuisingCruising · 07/12/2019 23:19

Aw how hurtful OP. When you say itll be resolved by february do you mean you will be leaving in february?

Id be so hurt if my now DP did this

My ex was like this when we were together. Once, hed been out shopping with me and seen id spent a good £60 on my Halloween outfit ( i very rarely went out either ) i was so excited. He was supposed to have DD. The time came for me to go and he didnt come to mine for DD. Had just turned his phone off. I was so mad and upset

Its a control issue isnt it,

DH was being all chatty bet he was, hed of been chuffed to fuck he didnt have to do anything, again AND gets to go out aswell?

I hope you manage to leave him, youll be a lot happier without him in your life x

Jaxhog · 07/12/2019 23:29

Yes, I’m like a member of staff failing on my KPIs.
But don't staff get paid? Time off? Holidays?

He’s now arguing that the children are not difficult, it’s that he doesn’t want to “have to do stuff” on a weekend.
But you do? Every weekend?

Sounds a bit like slavery to me.

HolyGuac · 07/12/2019 23:38

Gosh, I'm full of rage for you OP!
He's a complete shit, I hope you know life without him letting you down and being such a rick would be way better than this.
You and your children deserve much better.

ReadyPayerTwo · 08/12/2019 00:04

Oh gosh OP, your situation sounds dire and you need to change it. The imbalance in your relationship is astounding - ducks in a row etc ThanksThanks

SuperDuperBoysMama · 08/12/2019 00:34

If my husband ever said this to me, he would be out of the house for good.
No respect, no appreciation for raising his kids. He puts himself first. Nothing else to say. Good luck dealing with this shit marriage.
Hope you leave this man and find a better guy!

Topazance · 08/12/2019 00:40

He works. You work as a SAHM. Weekends is surely shared care. He's being unreasonable. He's lucky you don't have a hobby/go running/gym every weekend. It's one time. He's being selfish. They're his dcs too.

CalleighDoodle · 08/12/2019 00:46

I vaguely remember the other thread but not the specifics.
What is the benefit of staying?
And i probably already said this in the other thread, but I doubt very much he would have them every other weekend. He will be irregular and last minute cancelations in having them, to make sure you can never plan anything. Grade A cock.

everythingbackbutyou · 08/12/2019 00:56

I'm SO furious on your behalf. My dh moved out last weekend, a month after I told him I wanted to separate after 20 yr marriage and 3 dc. Mine would have responded exactly the same way as yours (after he'd gotten his own way and you'd missed your meal). Jovial, chatty, "I get it" (usually this can be taken to mean that they absolutely don't get it at all because they have an extremely limited sense of empathy). There really is no way to adequately explain the utter hair-wrenching frustration of trying to have an adult discussion with someone like this who is determined to get the wrong end of the stick and paint you in the worst possible way at every opportunity. I'm right there with you, cheering you on.

everythingbackbutyou · 08/12/2019 01:01

The utter BALLS of the guy to stand there and say that you didn't go out, just as if you had made that choice independently rather than being left in that position by HIM. You acted as a loving parent, putting the interests of your dc first because you were left no other course of action BECAUSE OF HIM. Gah!!!! Of course, this is what these prize gentlemen are banking on.

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