Am I a paranoid and pathetic Fool

[Suki84]

My husband has become very close to a woman at work and very distant from me as a result. i have tried to confront him and he just says I am the jealous type.
I managed to get hold of his normally very guarded phone and read the message on WhatsApp between the 2 of them. I know they have been messaging a lot for months but he only had messages from the last 3 weeks. All others were deleted. Some of the chat had deleted bits. Every message ends with a cheeky emoji mainly the blowy kiss and the love heart eyes . He is constantly asking if she is ok. Or things like why were you quiet yesterday. She sent a pic of herself and he responded with gorgeous and a 2 love heart eyes emoji. There are bits where he mentions me and she does the lol emoji (laughing with tears). I can’t see what’s funny. e.g. he says il have to ask the mrs if we have plans. to which she replied with 5 of the laughing emojis. Am I missing something or is there a private joke. I know her marriage is failing from comments my hubby made in the past. But is it ok for her to turn to someone else’s man for comfort. I get no care or affection from him.

I confronted him once again and he called me a pathetic paranoid fool with no concrete evidence. He said everything on there is banter

I have a pounding headache and can’t think.
Please can I have your views Is it ok for them to be so close.
Thanks in advance

No it isn’t ok and you are not a pathetic fool for being upset.

I would not be happy about that at all. You don't need "concrete evidence" to leave somebody, if you find trust him then leave

I'm sorry OP.

Have you ever read Not Just Friends, googled what constitutes an affair or read any of the website or book by "chump lady"?

I think you know deep down they are way into at best an emotional affair and he is gas lighting you now.

@Suki84. I am so sorry that you are in this position. Your husband’s reaction to your questions is insensitive and uncaring. I think you have to trust your instincts that they have become too close. You are not a fool, he is. Take care of yourself, hard though this is.

Most cheaters the their partners they're paranoid, crazy, delusional etc etc

It's part of the cheaters script.

I wonder is there a thread with the script somewhere, I'll look.

The messages you saw show (at least) an emotional affair. Who knows what else gas gone in or is going on.

He's talking shite.

He is having an emotional affair, ripping the piss out off you with another woman and gaslighting you.

The last one alone is enough reason to leave.

You don't have to 'prove' anything. He is treating you like shit. Screw him and the horse he rode in on.

Sounds a lot like narcissistic triangulation too. Playing two women off against each other so they see eachother as the bad guy, not him.

I often think the best way to get perspective bin things like this is to ask yourself what you'd think and what advice you'd give a friend of relative telling you this, showing you those messages etc.

What would you think? What would you advise your sister/friend having read them and heard her partners delightful responses?

No, you're not being paranoid or a pathetic fool. There are some serious boundaries being crossed here. I would not be happy at all with anything like this.
This is at least an emotional affair if nothing more, yet.

He's blatantly taking the piss out of you. Even if there was nothing in it, he doesn't give a toss if you think there is.

What would you say if someone else was posting this?

You don't need concrete evidence - you're not planning to sue him.

Banter is the excuse of people who know they're in the wrong but don't want to know it. And would rather attack an innocent party than confront their own behaviour.

Further thought: would you tell someone you loved (or heck, even an acquaintance that you mildly liked) that they were crazy and laugh at them when they told you they were hurting?

No, you would listen to them and want to stop their pain. And if your behaviour was causing that pain, you would consider moderating it.

He doesn't even afford you the same kindness you would... a dog in the street. That isn't love. It's closer to hate. Not someone you should spend the rest of your life with.

People show you who they are through the little things. He is showing you he has no empathy, no kindness and no love.

His behaviour is suspicious. That's bad enough, but he's gaslighting you and belittling your concerns. I'm sorry but it sounds like he's checked out. 💐

More than checked out... he is so into her that you are now the other woman. He's enjoying the illicit experience, the hiding and cheating and ultimately I suspect you will be the last to know when he leaves you. If he genuinely cared, he wouldn't make you feel small when you point out how he makes you feel - he's been caught out and is now redirecting his guilt into you to save himself.

My good god.

I would divorce him over this. 1) for blatantly cheating and 2) for being so fucking rude and disrespectful to you and lying to your face

I usually never comment but this is highly disrespectful and suspicious behaviour.
I wouldn't tolerate it and absolutely call him out over it.

No you’re not paranoid OP. You’d be a fool to stay with him though. He’s not only cheating, he is highhandedly making you feel as if you’re going mad. Dreadful man.

I get no care or affection from him

So regardless of this woman, the relationship isn't healthy.

& I've been in a similar situation finding messages like these on a partner's phone. And yes he had cheated "it was just a kiss.. a couple of times" apparently. And he called me paranoid, sneaky, unreasonable, insecure and all the rest of it before the truth came out.

If you don't trust him, you don't trust him. No evidence needed. You've got your instincts.

What are your circumstances? I'd get your ducks in a row, maybe see a solicitor in the sly, look into all the implications of a split.

This for needs divorcing.

If he ever admitted anything was inappropriate, which it doesn't sound like he will, I doubt he'll stick to not contacting her ... He'll just hide it more. She's separating so he may jump ship in the bear ish future too (unless he thinks it's too much inconvenience, hassle and financial loss to separate from.and divorce you, in which case he might string you both along for who knows how long).

I think he's likely to be gas lighting, minimising and lying like this because he doesn't want you to make the decision to split, he wants to be the one to do it; if a d when it suits him and us to his advantage.

*this fkr

*near-ish

Also I'd play your cards close to your chest on this op; because he (and his charming "lady" friend) will. He's deleted months (?) of messages and must've gotten complacent & sloppy not to delete the ones you saw.

Now he's rumbled he'll be more careful.

I have decided I want to separate for now. He was making excuses asking for a few days till he finds somewhere. I think he thinks I will calm down. Anyway everything he owns is in black bin liners all ready to go. I don’t deserve this and yes he is gas lighting and destroying my soul. Thank you for helping me make this decision.

Seeing a solicitor is a main priority. I’m going to get this sorted first thing

Well done op!
He probably thinks he can wear you down or scare you into chickening out by staying.

But your blinkers are off :) and i bet you'll feel miles better once you've no longer got that arseholes' lies and manipulations ringing in your ears.

I confronted him once again and he called me a pathetic paranoid fool with no concrete evidence. He said everything on there is banter

Oh that's lovely behaviour on his part. Tell him to GTF, I can guarantee this "other" woman will want to be shot of him pretty soon too.

Enjoy living your life without some twat who calls you names. Win win for you!