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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I a paranoid and pathetic Fool

76 replies

Suki84 · 05/12/2019 21:04

My husband has become very close to a woman at work and very distant from me as a result. i have tried to confront him and he just says I am the jealous type.
I managed to get hold of his normally very guarded phone and read the message on WhatsApp between the 2 of them. I know they have been messaging a lot for months but he only had messages from the last 3 weeks. All others were deleted. Some of the chat had deleted bits. Every message ends with a cheeky emoji mainly the blowy kiss and the love heart eyes . He is constantly asking if she is ok. Or things like why were you quiet yesterday. She sent a pic of herself and he responded with gorgeous and a 2 love heart eyes emoji. There are bits where he mentions me and she does the lol emoji (laughing with tears). I can’t see what’s funny. e.g. he says il have to ask the mrs if we have plans. to which she replied with 5 of the laughing emojis. Am I missing something or is there a private joke. I know her marriage is failing from comments my hubby made in the past. But is it ok for her to turn to someone else’s man for comfort. I get no care or affection from him.

I confronted him once again and he called me a pathetic paranoid fool with no concrete evidence. He said everything on there is banter

I have a pounding headache and can’t think.
Please can I have your views Is it ok for them to be so close.
Thanks in advance

OP posts:
CakeAndGin · 06/12/2019 12:19

So why is it OK for him to ruin your marriage but not you to ruin hers?

Personally, I think you tell the husband. The affair will continue behind his back otherwise. They are always in a bad marriage until it all comes out.

Well done OP.

Original poster
Suki84 · 06/12/2019 13:03

I’ve never had this courage before. Anyway I’ve managed to change my number and all my passwords for everything. He has said he will only leave if I promise not to contact her husband. So I promised him I won’t contact her husband but I will as he has the right to know too. I know I am
entitled to benefits does anyone know how child maintenance works. Does he have to contribute?
I won’t be able to get to a solicitors until next week but that’s defo happening. I would rather sleep in a card board box and be happy then live with him.

OP posts:
Sandals19 · 06/12/2019 13:26

he suddenly changed and looked so worried.

How very surprising.

The two of them are such a pair of shits. Cheating shots.

Sandals19 · 06/12/2019 13:27

Shits!

Sandals19 · 06/12/2019 13:28

There is a child maintenance calculator online.

Sandals19 · 06/12/2019 13:30

I think it's 10/12 % of his gross salary.

I think if he has any other children will be considered, which it sounds like he doesn't (yet).

And you will be entitled to benefits.

In my case (estimate I haven't actually applied) in spite of his high salary, benefits seemed to be more (quite a bit more) than his cm.

Sandals19 · 06/12/2019 13:31

If he tries to go 50-50 residence, I think he may not have to pay (?) Any other posters feel free to correct that.

It's a common tactic of these guys to try (if at all possible).

Sandals19 · 06/12/2019 13:32

When he realises you're serious (and if she's not in a position to leave her dh) be prepared for lots and lots of begging, pressure, manipulation etc etc.

DeathByPicolax · 06/12/2019 13:35

Get him out, get it all formalised and then tell the OW's DH.

Sandals19 · 06/12/2019 13:36

So I promised him I won’t contact her husband but I will as he has the right to know too. I know I am

Good on you. They're lying, piss taking, disrespectful, no integrity bastards. It sounds like they've been actively (verbally) taking the piss out if you too - while you've been try to function and look after your kids of course.

Sandals19 · 06/12/2019 13:39

So you have screen shots of the texts? It would be good to have evidence as such to send her dh. Because they'll try to say you're lying, hysterical, crazy etc.

Funny how he's so scared if her dh seeing something that is so harmless and that no-one else would have a problem with except you (because you're so delusional, crazy, pathetic etc.).

Maybe her dh is delusional, crazy and pathetic too.

Sandals19 · 06/12/2019 13:40

*Do

GeorgiaGirl52 · 06/12/2019 13:41

He is cheating and trying to gaslight you.
See a solicitor pronto!

Hidingtonothing · 06/12/2019 13:42

You're doing great OP but just one piece of advice. Don't let yourself get sucked into any kind of game playing, everything you do now has to be about you, what's best for you and what benefits you. Be angry by all means, it's probably what will get you through this tbh, but make it cold, calculated fury, not emotionally driven lashing out. Get financial paperwork together now too, ready for the solicitor next week. It's utterly shit this is happening to you, I'm so sorry Flowers

Honeyroar · 06/12/2019 13:52

You’re coming across as so strong. Well done you!

As for you ruining the woman’s marriage if you talk to her husband- no, she’s ruined her own marriage, just like he’s ruined yours. You have absolutely no blame whatsoever.

Original poster
Suki84 · 06/12/2019 14:12

Yes I have screenshots of the texts and back ups. That’s why I changed passcode so he can’t delete them.
He thinks he is leaving for 2 weeks or something but to be honest I don’t want him back.

OP posts:
MotherofTerriers · 06/12/2019 14:16

I'm sorry OP. See a solicitor and if I were you I'd hold off telling her husband for a bit. He may be more willing to reach agreement about child maintenance, housing etc if he's trying to keep it quiet -and she may be bending his ear about how important it is her husband doesn't find out too.

Original poster
Suki84 · 06/12/2019 14:33

Right now I just want him out and am agreeing to all sorts. Once I’ve established the security I need for my kids he is going to pay for everything he has done to me throughout our shitty marriage. I don’t even blame or want revenge on her. I no longer blame the other women it’s all him. I would never cheat or be unfaithful yet he has repeatedly abused me

OP posts:
Original poster
Suki84 · 06/12/2019 14:39

He will always be in my kids lives they love him. But he has to leave mine

OP posts:
lisag1969 · 06/12/2019 15:13

Hi no sorry it's not okay. If it was my husband I'd give him an ultimatum
Stop the whats apps and concentrate on our marriage or leave.
She is working on him and getting her feelers into him and he is falling for it big time. He is not thinking with his brains.
Put your foot down.
If he is silly enough to leave. He didn't deserve you in the first place.

lisag1969 · 06/12/2019 15:16

Well done you. I'm so proud of you for being so strong. Stick to your guns. It's his loss you deserve better

lisag1969 · 06/12/2019 15:19

Tell her husband too. He deserves to know the truth as well.

Sandals19 · 06/12/2019 17:08

She is working on him and getting her feelers into him and he is falling for it big time.

What is that based on?
Why are you making her the protagonist/initiator when you have no idea what ops "d"h has done or led?

Pinkbonbon · 06/12/2019 17:11

Good on ya. Get yourself free and sorted first, then maybe drop the husband an FYI. Anonymously if possible.

But you're right, she isn't even the issue. If it wasn't her it would be some other daft tart somewhere down the line. Anyone to boost his ego and play off against you to drive you round the bend would do. All fun and games for him, having two women 'fighting' over him.

Dude has a seriously shitty personality.

What is the housing situation? Would be wise to change the locks when he is gone.

Itsallgonewoowoo · 06/12/2019 17:46

Yes, another here who recognises all. Not Just Friends is a very good book, I know you want him gone but reading that book will help you realise you are so right and it helped me feel stronger.

Odd that the texts were nothing when you were upset but suddenly become wrong when her DH reads them.