Please Help Me - Advice from those who have survived cheating

[Sexless30]

OK here we go, please bear with me....

I found my DP had been texting very inappropriate things to another woman in September. We entered crisis talks, spent some time apart and went in to counselling. He initially told me that it was a one time thing, the physical side went only so far and he walked out and left her when it got to heated. I always doubted this but he stood firm with his explanation. Fast forward and we've been doing great, talking more openly and regularly attending counselling, talking about the future etc.

Recently I found more messages (they were from the end of last year, beginning of this year, so he was true to his word and has not contacted her since I initially found out) that clearly described 'memories' of some 'special' evenings together. He has now admitted they did in fact have sex more than once. I am a mess and I don't know what to do. No cried of LTB please, I need to hear from women (and men) who have worked through this type of thing successfully. I am not making any rash decisions, I just don't know how to process this. Can you ever forgive them, even if you never forget?

I’m sorry I can’t offer you advice based on experience but hope you are ok.

What I will say though is if you do decide to go ahead with the relationship you have to be able to put it behind you. You can’t bring it up or use it against him once you decide to carry on. If you cannot do this then I’d end it.

Good luck.

I could of written this as currently going through the same thing - what the fuck is wrong with them. Cant be bothered to go into details as its to shit for words.

I would recommend just working on yourself, whether thats with him or without him. Go and do things that you wouldnt normally do, build yourself up because you better believe the above situation is fuck all to do with you and all to do with him and his lack of morals. LOOK AFTER YOURSELF.

@puds11 thanks for that. I guess I had got to that place where I decided to move on and I never brought it up, unless it was affecting me (as advised by the counselor). I fell like I've been made a fool of, that he neglected to tel me something, even after repeatedly asking for the truth (and I let it go because I started to believe him) and now this. I am a very broken human being atm.

@shithappensletsdance I am sorry to here that this is happening to you as well. I am so broken, I don't know if I can do things for me atm. All I want to do is hide from the world and I can't. I guess I am just grateful we don't have any children.

I think the fact that stands out is he could have told you but choose not to ultimately he took you're choice away from you. It's how you go forward with that information now and process and if you can put that imagine in you're mind away whilst having an intimate relationship together I dont think I dont think I could personally but I would advise going to relate.

@Sexless30 I know it is difficult but do not let this man have the power to break you. You are fucking strong and without a doubt better than him and the other woman. You can handle this shit.

I have made the decision to stay with mine for the moment, it is going to take time and the ability to move forward. What is helping is joint and single counselling. Being able to talk about every detail - and I mean EVERY detail. He needs to be honest and transparent about his movements for a while because you are going to need to learn to trust him again. You dont need to make any decisions at the moment but you do need to be kind to yourself.

Like many people in such situations, the person conducting the affair has only given you the minimal amount of information; there is likely more that you still do not know about. Minimising as he has done here is seen over and over again.

He was also not as invested in counselling as you have been. You cannot work through this successfully if he has and continues to be so blithely dishonest.

You will destroy your own self in the process if you keep on doing the pick me dance as you are doing and prolong the agonies. You do not have children and you do not have to stay with this man, a man who is really not at all worthy of you. It is not your fault he decided to conduct an emotional now physical affair with this woman, this is all on him and no-one forced him to do this either. You are worth more than this man, this man is not at all worthy of you.

I would look at Chumplady's website. Value yourself more as well because he does not and will not.

It sounds as though you gave him every opportunity to be honest with you and you yourself seem to have done all the hard work to move forward. He has shown a great deal of disrespect by lying to you again. I would personally be calling it quits but I don’t know your situation and your capacity for forgiveness may be much higher than mine.

I’m sorry he’s been such a shit!

@ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 that is exectly how I feel, he took my choice away from me. I proceeded without the facts. We are with Relate and have been for ~8 sessions but they all feel like a lie now

That is because it was a lie. He lied to your face to you, his own self and this Relate person. You cannot even begin to get a semblance of honesty with someone like him because he is inherently dishonest. I think going forward you will merely get more dishonesty and minimisation from him.

The affair he has conducted is not your fault and that is all on him. He did this because he could and felt entitled to do so.

@shithappensletsdance thank you for that. I am in single counselling and have been for a while (before this started) and we are now in joint. I have asked him to go to single himself to work through his shit as I refuse to be blamed for this. In his defence (if he has one) he has been true to his word and told me where he is all the time, and I have full access to all his accounts. He just forgot to delete things from many months ago. The images that those messages have forced in to my head. I though I was over them, but now they are back with a vengeance because those images are now verified.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I am not doing the pick me dance, I have refused to do so and have told him so. What I am doing is trying to figure out if it can be saved. Thank you for your message.

@AttilaTheMeerkat perhaps he is inherently dishonest. I don't know this person at all. I just want everything to go back to normal, I wish I hadn't seen those message.

It's not what you want to hear, but a clean break would be the best idea.

@MikeUniformMike why do you say that? Experience? I am open to all comments on here, no matter how painful.

You cannot however, unsee what you have already seen and you cannot deny truth. And the "normal" you had was a mirage. He wanted his cake and eat it too.

You cannot save this on your own and besides this why do you want to figure out if this can be saved?. If the shoe was on the other foot I doubt he would be at all forgiving of you.

If there is any chance of this being saved then he will need to come completely clean about why he felt entitled to act like he did in the first place. Something is sadly lacking within this man and its not down to you to fix that within him for him.

Read about codependency in relationships and see how much of that fits in with your own behaviours. Codependents love to fix things.

Better to be on your own than to be so badly accompanied. He is not worthy of you and what is there really to stop him doing this to you again; nothing.

@Sexless30 You never know it may be saved but also you may work out that you are stronger than the need to be with him. He has changed in your eyes, I know mine has. I have been in my relationship for a long time and thought that he would never do some of the things he has done. I havent yet worked out if I am staying with him but I need to work on things with him to heal myself - does that make sense? You dont need to make any decisions if you dont want to, work out what is best for you.

People will say on here and in real life to leave him and maybe you should. Only you will know, eventually. It is hard, so very hard but you will get through this, as will I. xxxx

He has crossed boundaries, he has been unfaithful and he has lied. You have done nothing apart from trust him. The trust has gone.

Yes, I've been there. It hurt like hell but once it was over, it wasn't rumbling on, and I could start to heal.

I should have namechanged.
You are doing the pick me dance whether you know it or not.
As you are, you are one half of a couple. Cut your losses and be the whole of you.

I need to hear from women (and men) who have worked through this type of thing successfully

Ah - but what do you mean by successfully ? Do you mean stayed with them and everyone lived happy ever after ?

For some people leaving their partner has been successful

There has to be complete honesty and he has not been so with you . He has lied time after time to your face and even in a situation where he was allegedly trying to save his marriage . You will never trust him , you will question everything that was said and done in those months , you will always wonder . If that is something you want to live with then go ahead . There will be posters who will come on here and will tell you they have regained their trust in their cheating spouses too . Your decision . Having been there it was bloody awful and we are no longer together . Good luck to you in whatever you decide to do .

How long have you been together? I guess what you need to understand is how he justified it to himself and then justified lying to you, whilst also promising not to break your trust again.

It is early days but the advice in chumplady is good. Focus on you and what you need now. Only time will help reduce the vivid images. It is always the faithful partner who suffers whilst the cheater seems to sleep well and not have life disrupted.

Based on my experience, I always say LTB, cheating is the lowest of the low and lying about it is lower than that.
However, the one thing I do regret is that I was very hasty with my decision. Your head and heart is obviously all over the place atm, take time to get yourself a little more together, to think clearly and to try to get all the facts from him before you decide what to do.
Although leaving him was absolutely the best thing for me, I do wish I had done this.
Sending lots of hugs, this too will pass xx

@TheStuffedPenguin yes granted for some people 'successfully' is leaving, but as I said I wanted to hear from those who had chosen to stay, to give some insight of how they achieved it. Yes ultimately it is my decision and you wonderful people of MN do not have the answer, but I though I might get some opinions and guidance that's all.

@Techway we've been together 8 years. Thanks for the advice, I really do need to understand those things.

@LanternLighter thank you. I don't want to act hastily.