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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please Help Me - Advice from those who have survived cheating

104 replies

Sexless30 · 04/12/2019 14:49

OK here we go, please bear with me....

I found my DP had been texting very inappropriate things to another woman in September. We entered crisis talks, spent some time apart and went in to counselling. He initially told me that it was a one time thing, the physical side went only so far and he walked out and left her when it got to heated. I always doubted this but he stood firm with his explanation. Fast forward and we've been doing great, talking more openly and regularly attending counselling, talking about the future etc.

Recently I found more messages (they were from the end of last year, beginning of this year, so he was true to his word and has not contacted her since I initially found out) that clearly described 'memories' of some 'special' evenings together. He has now admitted they did in fact have sex more than once. I am a mess and I don't know what to do. No cried of LTB please, I need to hear from women (and men) who have worked through this type of thing successfully. I am not making any rash decisions, I just don't know how to process this. Can you ever forgive them, even if you never forget?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sexless30 · 05/12/2019 16:13

@highlyunreasonable thank you for the link. I brought this the first time and it did help re build trust and I was so nearly there. I just had a niggling feeling that there was more to it. Now I know I guess. Perhaps I shouldn't have snooped but I needed to because it was driving me crazy not knowing the truth. I wish I hadn't now Sad. Thank you all for your messages - I have told him I don't think I can ever trust him and he seems to be showing genuine remorse but I do wonder if it's just because he's about to loose me. I have no one to speak to IRL about this so I appreciate it.

OP posts:
sijjy · 05/12/2019 16:18

So sorry you are going though this. My husband had a emotional affair (as far as I know) we went to counselling I forgave him. He had 2 more. All this was apparently down to him suffering from depression. Some people may say I'm stupid and should of walked away. And sometimes I think that too. But we are still married and still together. However it never goes away. I still have times when I feel very insecure. Works outings etc. Time does heal but it's always there. I also feel very sad that after 14 years of marriage we should be in a different place to we are now. I wish you lots of luck. Keep up with the counselling x

highlyunreasonable · 05/12/2019 16:20

You totally should have snooped. And you should keep snooping IMO until you're convinced that there's nothing left to find out.
Only then will you have a chance of moving on.
Did your DP read the book with you?

Original poster
Sexless30 · 05/12/2019 16:26

@highlyunreasonable I asked him to but he didn't Sad

OP posts:
Sunshineandflipflops · 05/12/2019 16:31

Oh op, don't have children with him. You'll see from here that many men who have affairs do so when their OH's are pregnant/have young kids so if he can do it at this stage I would be very pessimistic going forward.

You deserve so much more than what he is offering you x

highlyunreasonable · 05/12/2019 16:35

The whole point in that book is that you do it together and work through the steps.
If he's not prepared to put in the effort the I'm afraid it's not very promising. Reading a book is hardly a big ask after what he's done.
You shouldn't be the one doing all the work.
Have you had any time apart at all? (Sorry if you've already mentioned this)

TeaForTara · 05/12/2019 17:13

He is showing "genuine remorse" now? His only remorse is over being caught.

Whether you can forgive him or not is irrelevant. You will never get over it because you will never be able to trust him again. If, when you'd found out about it, he'd come clean completely, said he got caught up in madness, and begged your forgiveness then maybe, just maybe, there would be a chance. But instead, he swore blind that there was nothing physical and said he had walked away when things started going down the physical route. Firstly he lied by omission by not telling you, but then he just blatantly lied to your face.

If you stay with him, it will always be with the knowledge that he will only ever admit to anything if you already have proof of it. Otherwise he will deny and lie, lie, lie.

He may be freely allowing you to check his phone and social media but constantly "policing" him is no way to live. Also, how would you know that he didn't have a second, secret phone or social media accounts? You'll be always on the alert, always suspicious, just waiting for the next time. The likelihood is that there will be a next time.

Original poster
Sexless30 · 05/12/2019 17:16

@highlyunreasonable no we haven't had any time apart because it means one of us moving home and neither of us is comfortable telling our parents. I have said I might need him to leave this weekend, I guess I don't want him to though. I want to believe him but I don't.

OP posts:
Whyjustwhy23 · 05/12/2019 17:21

You can’t. Sorry but you just can’t. Even if you can forgive this without trust there is no point and he can lie to your face.

I have been through this and you just live with not knowing truth from reality any more and it fucks up your head. No kids? I’d honestly walk away before you destroy yourself. He isn’t worth it because you weren’t worth it to him.

Span1elsRock · 05/12/2019 17:32

He had a chance OP to tell you the truth, own what he'd done, and save your relationship. But instead he just lied some more.

He doesn't love or respect you - why on earth would you even contemplate staying? I saw my Dad cheat on my Mum for years, and bit by bit he destroyed every ounce of her until she had a nervous breakdown and was in a secure MH unit for nearly a year. Even when she came out, she was still begging him to come home Sad.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 05/12/2019 17:38

OP there are other men out there you could be with who will genuinely never cheat on you?

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 05/12/2019 17:38

Oops random question mark

sadladytoday · 05/12/2019 17:39

You deserve better. From experience, they never change and PP are right, imagine if you have children and the going gets really tough, how's he going to handle that. If he's still lying... he's not remorseful is he.. he's just sorry he got caught and is trying to minimise. You're still young, personally I wouldn't waste anymore time and go and find somebody who loves you enough not to betray your trust. Going through something v similar, it's tough, you've invested 8 years... but imagine wasting any more for it to happen again.

Clymene · 05/12/2019 17:39

I'm sorry but I don't think there's any future in a relationship given his lack of genuine remorse. If he really did want to rebuild your relationship, he'd be completely honest, read through the book, do whatever you need him to do. He just wants to move on and pretend it didn't happen.

I would just reread the posts from those women who have chosen to stay. Is that how you want your future to be?

You are young enough to find another partner to have children with, one who thinks you're an absolute goddess. It's what you deserve.

BlancoNita · 05/12/2019 18:19

Sent you DM

highlyunreasonable · 05/12/2019 19:00

@sexless perhaps you need some time apart to make him see the seriousness of what he's done. Is he making any effort to put things right or leaving it all to you?

ScreamingLadySutch · 05/12/2019 19:08

He can't even be bothered to read a book...

[nor could my ex] ...

look at his actions, OP.

Cuddling57 · 05/12/2019 19:46

One of the best sayings on mumsnet is: when someone tells you who they are - listen to them!
He is a cheater and a liar.
When I was younger I cheated on boyfriends. It was all my fault. There was something wrong with me. I would have lost respect for anyone who stayed with me if they had found out. I would have lied through my teeth. It was just the person I was at the time.

You're 30! Grab your life and move forward on your own in time to meet someone decent to have a happy life with.

Zapitalism · 05/12/2019 19:54

he seems to be showing genuine remorse

They all do. It's part of it. And they've already shown they are deceitful liars. This act is easy for them. Then next time they are just more careful.

MakeMineALargeProsecco · 05/12/2019 20:53

And is it DP rather than husband, OP?

If so, there are no ties and you can be free.

Please don't squander your precious fertility on a man who cheats; don't spend years trying to "fix" this & then be in your mid-30's trying desperately to find a new man.

Closetbeanmuncher · 05/12/2019 23:33

If he was serious about repairing the damage he would have been honest the first time you caught him out.

He's bluffed his way through therapy on the basis of a lie.

Personally there's not a chance I would be trusting this person.

category12 · 06/12/2019 06:09

Consider this:

  • in pregnancy, when you're feeling like crap and possibly feeling unattractive and insecure - are you going to trust him not to cheat?
  • when you're knackered and sore and don't feel like sex maybe for a few weeks/months - are you going to trust him not to find sex elsewhere?
  • in the baby years, when there's little time and attention to spare for the relationship - are you going to be confident he won't look for attention from someone else?

You're 30. You want children. Don't waste your time trying to make this work. Babies are a hand grenade and you need someone who doesn't selfishly follow his cock when the chips are down.

Stillsexystillsingle · 06/12/2019 07:28

Just want to give you a huge virtual hug and urge you as others have done to read Chump Lady there is so much rubbish online about how cheating can somehow be good for the primary relationship but Chump Lady tells it like it really is and she's one of the few that does I've never been cheated on but I've been the single woman on the receiving end of being pursued by one of these jerks and it's a hugely upsetting and confusing situation for both women but not of course the narcissistic jerk who's enjoying playing out his fantasy of having two women doing the pick me dance. You only have to watch Jacqueline jossa on I'm a celebrity to see what a headf*k it all is. Don't fall for the bs believe you deserve so much better and walk away now and then find a man who agrees with you and who would never treat you like this.I know it probably doesn't feel like it now but you're fortunate you didn't have kids with him it gives you the opportunity of a clean break.

Sleepyhead19 · 06/12/2019 07:41

My ex did the same. When confronted, he told me I was mad! When I saw photographic proof, he couldn’t deny it, although he still says they didn’t sleep together! I’m not stupid enough to believe it.
I tried to carry on and make a go of it as we have kids but he put no effort in. I don’t want to be taken for granted. He never spoke about it to help resolve anything and said I should’ve just ‘got over it’. No explanation as to why he cheated and no apology.
If your partner was truly sorry and wanted to make it work, he’d have respected you enough to be honest. You will never trust him again and you know it. Find someone who really cares for you.

hawaiianturtle · 06/12/2019 07:59

I wasted 9 years of my life trying to forgive a cheater. It never happened. Don't make the same mistake. Life is too short