Please Help Me - Advice from those who have survived cheating

[Sexless30]

OK here we go, please bear with me....

I found my DP had been texting very inappropriate things to another woman in September. We entered crisis talks, spent some time apart and went in to counselling. He initially told me that it was a one time thing, the physical side went only so far and he walked out and left her when it got to heated. I always doubted this but he stood firm with his explanation. Fast forward and we've been doing great, talking more openly and regularly attending counselling, talking about the future etc.

Recently I found more messages (they were from the end of last year, beginning of this year, so he was true to his word and has not contacted her since I initially found out) that clearly described 'memories' of some 'special' evenings together. He has now admitted they did in fact have sex more than once. I am a mess and I don't know what to do. No cried of LTB please, I need to hear from women (and men) who have worked through this type of thing successfully. I am not making any rash decisions, I just don't know how to process this. Can you ever forgive them, even if you never forget?

when you get to the 'very angry' stage the decision may be clearer and easier.

I am so sorry you are going through this. My DP was caught sexting another woman around 18 months ago. We also had crisis talks, I told him before we even got together "if you ever cheat on me, you're out" Guess what. I stayed. I went back on the promise I made to myself. And it was the best decision I ever made. Its been HARD work. but we now have a better more open and trusting relationship we have ever had. One thing that got us through is he was BRUTALLY honest with me on the day I found out. He showed me the messages from start to finish and man did it hurt like hell. He took FULL responsibility and through the coming months and even now. we have full transparency. Do I trust him? never 100% but id say a good 99% and I'm fine with that. However... If he continued to lie to me and keep things from me after I asked him what had happened, and then to find out they had been intimate. I don't know if I would of been invested enough to continue. That choice my dear is unto you and you alone. But in conclusion, YES cheaters can change but only if they really want too, and that starts with honesty.

Think of it as sunk costs. So it's 8 years. Stay and it happens again it will be 10 or 12.

Being single is a lot better than being in a painful relationship.

When my father found out about my "mother's" affair he tried to forget it and try save the marriage,so we the children can have a father and a mother,in other words to be a family. Big mistake. The bloody whore ended up cheating again and lie all the time. She even had/has the nerve and the audacity to consider herself a victim and she is telling that to everyone(not joking).
If I were you I wouldn't waste anymore time with this guy,he doesn't respect you nor deserve you.

I have put off and put off writing about my own situation on here but I managed to reach out in real life. My DH had an affair and lied about it, it all came out 2 years ago. We are now very recently separated. This type of sense of entitlement is a trait of an abusive man. "Why does he do that?" is recommended over and over on here and it may give you some insight when you are ready. But it has taken me 2 years to be ready. Trust your gut instinct.

@yesterdaystotalsteps123, good luck to you. It often takes time for the shock and fog to clear and then you realise it is a pattern of behaviour that is linked to their sense of entitlement. It is the justification that they make to themselves that reveal their true character.

I’m in the same situation 3 months in but found out about the affair only 3 weeks ago. I too am struggling but I recognise that for various reasons my husband developed a strong sense of entitlement at a time when I needed his support. He has his new life and I will have mine. I’m not quite there yet emotionally.

Monogamous partnership is not a natural human state.

I have worked through this "successfully" and then he fucked off and left me for an OW who had a bigger bank balance.

I'm two years on from discovering my H affair (s) it broke me, classic sahm who didn't ever think it would happen to her! It did on a monumental scale.. in panic state I tried to save our marriage and really wished I hadn't. I have zero respect for him now the fog has lifted. I wished I'd told him to leave there and then, now I'm stuck financially but looking for ways out ASAP. I'd rather be alone and happy with myself than stuck with a lying cheat. What I will say is it never goes away, those images ping up in your thoughts all the time! I still have vivid dreams and don't sleep well at all. No one deserves to be treated like this, you have no kids so my advice is to run for the hills and go and live your life!

You have no children together. He has cheated.
You don't need me to say it.

I tried to put a relationship back together after partner’s affair but I couldn’t get past the betrayal, the lies, all of it, and we split up. For me once the trust has gone there’s no foundation and I couldn’t get past it

No children and not married? Honestly, OP, the effort you will put in to persuade yourself that you have got over it really isn't worth it. If you need counselling about your relationship before you are tied with children and marriage, then it's a bloody good sign that this isn't the man for you.

Read up on hysterical bonding, though. It's a real eye-opener.

I know you don't want to hear it, but leave him. You have no dc. Don't waste any more of your time on him. The pain is not worth it.

This is such a difficult situation. He lied whilst you were in counselling- the very place the truth is supposed to be revealed. He made you believe they had not slept together and then hurt you with a new revelation that they had.

I do not think I could deal with being told a half truth then discovering the whole truth weeks/months later.

So sorry to hear you are going through this. I have been there. I forgave him then it happened again few years later. I loved unconditionally he knew that. Divorced 6 ywars now broke my heart and took me all of those 6 years to get over it. But...now im happy strong independant and so made the right decision. Hes regretted it ever since. Once a cheater always a cheater rings true. Take charge of your life you deserve better !

We "survived" cheating. It was almost 20 years ago. Are we happy? From what I gather he is.
I have never forgiven or forgotten. I still worry if he's texting or working late. If he's on work trips etc.

I still get in a panic and mess over how he could do that to me to begin with.

It ruined my life I would admit. I have been anxious and depressed ever since and it's worsened as the years go by. I've become a massive introvert and let most of my friends drop away. To the outside world we are happy, we got through it. But that's only what I want them to think. On the inside I hate that I let someone do this too me and I was too weak to leave. My self esteem was so low I thought I deserved it.

So while you don't want to head "LTB" IMO it's the best thing to do. I would always suggest that is the best outcome knowing what I know now and living life the way I have since it happened.

You can choose to carry on but no one can ever guarantee you'll forgive or forget or that you'll get over it. Paranoia about what he's up to will be your new normal.

Personal experience: we stayed together for about 15 years after the first affair, but it was so hard and I never could trust him again. (Quite rightly as he proved several times). You think that the pain of splitting will be so much worse, but it really isn't. Best thing I ever did was call it a day.

No advice, just sympathy as I'm in a similar situation to you although in my case we are married and have two children. In October I caught him messaging women on a hook up site. I was another who always swore 'if he ever cheats it'll be the end' and somehow I'm still with him. Initially I told him to leave but he begged me to forgive him, said he doesn't want to throw away what we have, he'll do anything to earn my trust back etc etc.

He says there was nothing worse than what I saw and he would never have met anyone but obviously I worry that there's still stuff I don't know - because that's what they all say isn't it. So for now I'm accepting that as the truth, but I've promised myself if anything else comes out and he hasn't been fully honest then that really will be the end for me (and I really do think it will).

Sadly in your case, there WAS more that came out and for that I am so so sorry. I can't tell you what to do. Plenty of people on here will tell you that leaving him is the best thing and they may be right. However no one truly knows without being in the situation and I get how hard it is. Personally for me if he had swore that he'd told the truth and come to counselling etc then it turned out he'd been lying all along, I honestly think that would be the limit for me. Because it's a double betrayal, isn't it? Not only did he betray you, but actually he betrayed you again by lying while he as supposed to be earning your trust back.

The thing is though, it's your life, and only you know what feels right. And you don't HAVE to make a decision now. That's what I keep reminding myself too. As much as I'd like to work things out with my husband, and hope that a few years from now we'll be happy and trust will have been rebuilt, in reality I just don't know. I look at him and it just reminds me of what he's done and I'm not sure I'll ever trust him again and I can't live like that forever so I'm giving it time to see if it gets better, because despite everything I do love him.

Some people do come through this, and for others the hurt and lack of trust is too much and they separate. It's going to take time before you decide which of those you are. Wishing you luck either way

Stayed together after an affair. Been together for almost 9 years when he had an affair with his best mates girlfriend.
Worked through it but I took about a year for me not to be so furious / upset about it everyday. Not necessarily with or at him but just within myself.
We married 2 years after the affair and still very happily married with 2 kids nearly 10 years later.

He needs to be absolutely honest with you about everything so you can decide how YOU can move forward. It won't be easy but it can be done. It's going to take forgiveness from you and honesty from him.
My husband's affair made him realise what he could of lost and he decided what we have is what he wants. If he hadn't we wouldn't be here. We agreed he would be honest and open with me if I promised not to chuck the affair in his face anytime we had an argument. I can honestly say I haven't mentioned it to him since that first hard year.

I still think about it and her fairly often but not with much feeling nowadays. More regret that I didn't get to rage at her at the time! Husband lost his best friend and other close friends, they never did speak to him again

I was you OP. I found inappropriate messages between my dh and a work colleague. He convinced me it was only ever emotional, an emotional affair. I believed him. I then went through 3 years (yes 3), of complete hell trying to repair and make sense of our relationship. I then found out he'd lied to me for those 3 years. He'd not carried on with the affair, that was true, but I found he'd slept with her several times at the time of the supposed emotional affair. It was awful, basically he'd lied to me for a further 3 years and only ever told me what I could prove. He'd lied to save his own skin. His lies meant I could never make a decision on the whole truth.

I couldn't do it anymore and we split, been divorced now since 2014. I wish I'd left when I found out in 2010. Such a waste and lying bastard

@Sexless30

Iv been here, the worst thing I did was thinking if I was checking his accounts constantly it wouldn't happen again, it created massive anxiety if I didn't check them all the time and eventually anxiety when I had as I was convinced that things had been deleted before I got to them. We ended up splitting up further down the line as he thought I'd be over it after checking his accounts after a certain length of time (his idea to prove I could trust him)

My advice would be if you want to try again, leave his accounts alone, ask him to change passwords so you can't look and trust him if he says it won't happen again. If you can't do that you will end up driving yourself mad and split up anyway.

Hope you find a way forward, knowing what I know now I wouldn't forgive again.

You just have to accept that this is how he is. This is your new normal. Never feeling completely settled or confident. Come to terms with the person he really is rather than the one you wanted him to be. That’s as close to “successful” that people in your position get.

If you genuinely feel that you can enjoy life anyway despite all that, then stay with him. You can’t go back to how you were though.

Also, be practical and rational - be prepared for him to decide one day that it’s over because he met someone he prefers to be with. Make sure you have the finances etc in place. This will make you feel in control even if it turns out to be unnecessary.

@Sexless30
So sorry that you are going through this, it is hell as once the trust is gone it is so difficult to regain.

A few people have mentioned that so often the cheaters only tell you what you already know and rarely have the decency to try to resolve the situation honestly. But that's the whole point. They just aren't honest which is how you ended up here in the first place. Now that you know more will you be able to prevent yourself from wondering what else happened and if this was the first time?
I know a few couples that have stayed together and as you would predict the cheater happily continues while the cheated is often haunted by ghosts of the betrayal.
Do certainly take your time but only you will know if you can live with the betrayal.

@Zapitalism
That made me watery eyed. I hope you’re able to find freedom and happiness very soon.

My DH had an emotional affair, however I didn't believe him until I had proof it was only emotional. I said he had two weeks to tell me everything, as if anything else came out after I'd walk. I also refused to even talk about my decision to stay or leave for 6 months. In that time we had counselling and I read all their messages.

As a PP said, the thing that really worked for us was a worked on myself. Planned what I would do, took control of my finances, got a new job. This meant that I knew I was with him as I WANTED to be, rather than financial/childcare reasons. It also means he knew I was ready, and could, easily walk.

So my experience would be work on you, he can come along for the ride, but it isn't about him now. You decide what you want, make yourself stronger, then you will be able to decide what works for you. (As an aside, I would find more revelations very hard to forgive as it was further lies at a time of trying to rebuild trust, it shows he wasn't committed)