Please Help Me - Advice from those who have survived cheating

[Sexless30]

OK here we go, please bear with me....

I found my DP had been texting very inappropriate things to another woman in September. We entered crisis talks, spent some time apart and went in to counselling. He initially told me that it was a one time thing, the physical side went only so far and he walked out and left her when it got to heated. I always doubted this but he stood firm with his explanation. Fast forward and we've been doing great, talking more openly and regularly attending counselling, talking about the future etc.

Recently I found more messages (they were from the end of last year, beginning of this year, so he was true to his word and has not contacted her since I initially found out) that clearly described 'memories' of some 'special' evenings together. He has now admitted they did in fact have sex more than once. I am a mess and I don't know what to do. No cried of LTB please, I need to hear from women (and men) who have worked through this type of thing successfully. I am not making any rash decisions, I just don't know how to process this. Can you ever forgive them, even if you never forget?

Hi OP

I tried for 4 years and in the end I was doing all the work to rebuild. It was never going to be as lovely as before. It was tarnished, tainted, yucky.

You feel like you're back to square one because you are. That is because he clearly didn't invest in reading any books about what to do to save your marriage after infidelity, all of the advice is to avoid the trickle truth if asked for honesty.

You have been lied to so many times, I couldn't come back from that.

I've just realised your user name.

Is this what you called yourself before the affair?

You haven't had children yet right? My experience tells me get out whilst you have time to meet a lovely man to have a family with. Pregnancy increases the chance of being cheated on and you already know you have a wayward.

I've not read all the replies, but like you I discovered DH having an affair and it killed me. The story kept changing initially and as i dug deeper i found more and more. We decided to give things another go (mainly for the sake of our kids who are still young) and a year and half on, found he had contacted her again. His reason was valid, i understood it so we are again going through counselling. But this really impacted my ability to trust, as I was beginning to feel close only for the rug to be pulled from under my feet. I have no trust in him now and feel I am becoming detatched as a result.

The truth is I am on the edge, ready to call it a day. There are days we are good and i think its best for the kids but there are other days (like today) where I think I would be happier alone. The toss up is between my happiness and keeping the kids in a family unit.

Like you, I am very torn but I hope with time I am able to just stick to a decision. You don't need to rush anything, take your time and really have a think about whether your relationship is worth the fight. In all honesty, if this had happened pre-kids, I would have left him a long time ago

Let's be real this is a form of domestic abuse and as others have said this relationship for him is about convenience not love and you deserve to be loved, not used, and picked up and dropped again on some whim, depending on which other woman is catching his eye and temporarily falling for his lies. If he was going to fall in love with you he would have done so within months of first meeting you, if he's not treating you like he loves you then that shows he doesn't and that's not going to change, why would he suddenly fall in love with you after years of not loving you, and anyway, if he's a narcissist, as most of not all cheaters are, he's not even capable of feeling love anyway, either for you or for anyone else. Please don't waste any more of your time or your youth on something like this. You must already know that this isn't the behaviour of someone who loves you, if you're being honest with yourself.